I'm saying 5 words to myself

Meet the challenge, that's it. And that is it, the whole thing. Unfortunately I've failed over and over, but I've come to see how insidious this addiction is and how vulnerable you can be, even when you least expect it. I spent days fighting after a relapse, lecturing myself about the consequences and on and on. I had myself convinced that I was on the road, and it felt that way. But trying to hold it together wore me out, and I was tired. The whole other self takes over. I'm just trying to say those 5 words and nothing else now.

Caffeine was the hardest addiction I ever beat except for this. I didn't even drink that much, just an iced tea a few times a week but like this, it always had bad aftereffects. Irritability, insomnia and even car accidents, multiple ones. Don't even ask how I was so sensitive to it, but I was. I quit 10 years ago, no car accidents or bad insomnia since then, and I know I won't and can't go back. It lifted me up and then let me down big time.

This is the same in that regard. I use it to escape anxiety, depression and when I'm tired my defenses are down. Lately made it more regular and the craving gets worse. Funny thing is, if you do it more often and are older like me - there is nothing there to draw on and it drains you so much.

I always come back here, and I've come to understand over time the nature of this thing by seeing so many struggle. For now, it's the five words because that's what we're all trying to achieve. Simple says it, now we need to do it.

 

I feel a wave of lethargy and depression, guilt and irritability I can't escape. It takes a day or so before I realize what I've done. The day after is low self esteem and wanting to hide, but I can't, may have to work so I'm not myself around others. It's debilitating. Thanks for your inspiration buddy. It's minutes of pleasure for at least a day of pain and knowing again it's no good. We may relapse, but get up again and keep trying. I come back to earth when I'm here again and don't feel like the odd man out when I see so many struggling and wanting the same thing. Lately I have even told myself this is going to kill you if you keep doing it. It's just the really bad feelings after, not worth it. Thanks again and stay on your journey buddy!