I'm scared at the prospect of real intimacy, so I turn to porn...

This is just another example of how porn can thwart our view of what sex is really like.

My best advice my friend is just embrace your gender. In this case is masculinity. It’s totally normal to feel attracted to women just like they feel attracted to us as men. I know you feel guilt sometimes because of porn use, that’s why you have to stop watching it in the first place. Then, you’ll see things clearly.

The goal of a relationship is not sex, sex is just a benefit/part of the relationship but not the relationship itself. Of course when you’re with a girlfriend, both will feel the need of have sex which is totally normal. I highly advised not let porn shape your sexual life since we all know that what happens there is just pure fantasy and in real life, things don’t happen like in porn. When a woman gets pizza from a delivery man, she just doesn’t start having sex with him right? In real life, there’s communication wich is very important during an intimate encounter with a girl because if you do something she doesn’t like without asking her first, you will be in trouble.

 

OP let me tell you about the light at the end of the tunnel.

You have clearly thought and reflected a lot and that is very good.

But running this endless cycle of knowing your problems and then succumbing to the addiction won't sadly lead anywhere.

Now, you say: "I just turn to porn again because that's the only way I'm ever going to have that orgasmic feeling." I say: "That is just plain lies." Porn makes your brain's reward system go bad, but it is possible to heal, I think by abstaining from the use of porn for a time that is long enough, and finding meaningful things with which to replace the porn. Now when your brain heals, you will also see the foolishness behind that sentence i cited. It is indeed possible to feel "that orgasmic feeling" with a brain that functions normally. In fact in my best moments i feel that orgasmic feel when I have practiced long enough on the drums and then nail a song, or when I hike in the nature and find a beautiful scenery etc. I love it when other no pmoers say that after a while of doing no pmo it's like the colors returned, and life was no longer just black and white.

In fact I think that "that orgasmic feeling" is not actually the highest possible reward, but it might just be enough to numb the pain or loneliness inside you. As you say, going back to porn makes you more depressed in the end, so in other words it does not fulfill you. Maybe porn fills the void inside you, and that's why you need it so much. But no fulfillment.

Many people, including myself, feel terribly lonely nowadays, and there is a plethora of reasons for that. One of them is that the people who feel lonely don't feel loved. And looking at adult movies is a way to trick your brain to feel love. But we all know that most of the p watchers are not very happy with their secret hobby.

To end this post I'd like to leave you with some advice: Consult with whatever is behind your eyes looking through them, and ask if it is feeling loved, when you are watching porn and rubbing your dick, alone.