Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Overforme, Dec 19, 2019.

  1. Overforme

    Overforme Fapstronaut

    So I've been dating this girl and tonight I spilled the beans and told her that I trust her enough to tell her my deepest secret that only a few close friends, my therapist, and the anonymity of this forum know. I told her If we were going to keep dating the right thing to do was to tell her I'm in recovery. She questioned me.. alcoholics anonymous? Drug addiction? No I told her. I told her I'd hoped she wouldn't think less of me. She said verbatim "I wont think less of you." And I trusted her. I felt like we were clicking and I needed her to know about who I was. I didnt want to hide what I have been working so hard to overcome. I wanted her to know what I've been through. In other words I really felt something strong with her. So we are eating dinner out and I tell her "I'm working hard to stay sober from pornography and I'm doing fantastic." She looked at me and just looked shocked. I looked back at her and there was just silence. So I broke the silence "So now you know. Does this make you think less of me?" She flat out goes "This is pretty immature Ben." I turned red.. and just sort of felt my heart drop. I told her "I'm recovering and I wanted to tell you because I want you to know me and I don't want there to be secrets with us. I like you a lot Liz and just felt because we've been out several times and have spent so much time together talking, giggling and making out and figured youd understand.
    Well long story short.. the kiss after dinner was pretty short. She seems rattled. Maybe shes right.. this addiction is immature.
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  2. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    So is unqualified personal judgement. She probably has no sense of how many guys out there has this issue.

    I think our trust in people may also be immature. A big leap of faith is not the best idea. Some people are just not that understanding.

    She probably had her own image of you and that didn't match her imagination. Maturity involves dealing with reality. And the reality is many do not understand or are even interested in understanding, it's much easier to judge.
    angelpart, muhagg, marr708 and 2 others like this.
  3. Overforme

    Overforme Fapstronaut

    Yea you're right, shes judgemental and that is immature on her part. I'm done with her.
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  4. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Well immaturity is not a good or bad thing, it's just where someone is at. Also we know for us it may be a *part* of us is immature but lumping the whole person in because of an issue isn't a fair judgement of the person as a whole.
    angelpart and Optimum Fortitude like this.
  5. Kiz Whalifa

    Kiz Whalifa Fapstronaut

    Her response is immature, imo. No one's perfect. That's a major thing to admit to being addicted to in this day and age, despite a ton of people being addicted to it, and not even realizing that it's an addiction. Give her time to digest this "immature" addiction of yours. Meanwhile, be proud of yourself for having the gall to admit it. You are doing fantastic, don't let that derail you.
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  6. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

    To be honest, most people don't take pornography addiction seriously, so try to get in her position. I'm almost at 400 days in and I don't take it too seriously either. Imagine she comes to you and says she is addicted to smashing her toes with a hammer, but she is in recovery now and even joined NoHam, it would be hard to not take it as a joke.

    Besides, are you really break up with her because of this? "Sorry, I cannot be with someone who doesn't understand my masturbation addiction". It is a bit weird.

    NoFap for me is a personal thing. No one in real life has to know that you are doing. Maybe she only saw it as you joking about watching pornography and thought you were inmature because of this.
    marr708, Phantom81 and Kiz Whalifa like this.
  7. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

    To me ... she was right and wrong at the same time.

    Why she was right? Because masturbating compulsively has always been associated with something boys do in their teens and later grow out of it. So, I perfectly understand why she said that.

    Why she was wrong? Because she surely has the outdated vision of a kid masturbating in his room and has no idea of what PM really produces in men's brain. I think PM is the only drug available in this world that is extremely addictive, doesn't apparently cause you any harm in the long term (I've been PMing throughout all my life -more than +30 years- and I've been able to have a relatively normal life) and you can have it completely for free whenever you want from your own cozy home and with nobody noticing. When most of the daily internet traffic is used for watching porn ... one cannot call it immaturity ... one should call it a pandemic global disease, don't you think so?

    I'm sorry she wasn't as understanding as you thought she would be, but don't be too harsh with her. Sometimes it's quite difficult to put in someone elses shoes when you haven't experienced similar things in your life.
  8. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

  9. Gamebred305

    Gamebred305 Fapstronaut

    No need for break uo bruhhh
    ANewFocus likes this.
  10. Lol

    Her reaction and reaponse were immature. What did she even mean by "that's immature"?

    She has shown to be judgmental while you had warned her you were about to tell her your "deepest secret/shame". That's pretty rude and uncaring. She should have asked more about your problem before demeaning you.

    But again I'm not sure what she was trying to say by "immature".

    Long story short if she doesn't care and is not trying to understand your deepest problem than maybe it's for the best.

    Maybe you should talk to her again to clarify what happened.
    marr708 likes this.
  11. marr708

    marr708 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Nofap or not, if she's hot, give her another shot. ha.
    Seriously, I think most women just don't understand pornography and it's effect on men. It's just something that they don't even consider a problem. Hence, her "immature" comment. Upon confessing my PMO addiction to my wife, she looked at me gobsmacked and said "porn is actually an addiction?" They can understand all the other addictions; alcohol,gambling, drugs etc. But they have to be educated about PMO. I think once educated, most women would gladly jump in and help.
  12. If they can help cure PIED then perfect :D

    But I know for a fact that some of then will reject you big time because of their insecurities. They'll feel unloved, unattractive and/or cheated on or think you're a monster or a big time perv.
    marr708 likes this.
  13. Seriously though, I still don' t understand the "immature" comment. What did she mean by that?
  14. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut


    It's ok bro, many people do not comprehend how much of our lives are trapped by our addiction
  15. Randy Andy

    Randy Andy Fapstronaut

    We addicts are immature it is one of the defining characteristics. We have low impulse control, high sensitivity, magical thinking and mood swings, all of which are characteristic of children (I am father of two, they sometines act more mature than me after six years of happy sober recovery :) )
    I'm sorry she didn't react the way you expected her to. Thanks for sharing your story though it really helped me understand mine better because I was thinking what it would be like to put ourselves in Liz's shoes, to get compassion and insight by changing to her perspective. And what that taught me about myself is I never did that perspective switch for my partner, after more than half a decade dating, more than a decade natured and two kids I never thought what it was like for her to hear the same thing you told your girlfriend. I don't know if it matters that it wasn't exactly the same: mine was based on the idea that "the person you'll marry, you want to tell them everything to be totally up front" and I had reason to believe we would get married. Everytime I think about this it's pretty crazy, we hadn't been on a date, I thought we'd get married and turns out that was true so I told her all my acting out behaviors and thoughts that I was struggling with, a decade before I would finally get free and she forgave me, if never thought what it would be like for that to go differently and I'm very sorry I imagine it could hurt a lot. Maybe we few addicts can understand and others cannot, and maybe Liz just got very flustered and might have a change of heart however slowly, I hope so for your sake friend.
    One thing I was reminding myself of yesterday that seems relevant is that most people consider no pm+ to be normal as in "what you are supposed to do all the time.". We're addicts. I know for me it is easy to give up certain things, in a few cases forever and in some I just moderate as in I taper off when there's a problem or a reason to and then go back to normal use. But none of that is remotely like my experience with pm+ I had to totally give up and have a way to recover that is a radical and fundamental change to my way of life, plus a way to keep up that change every day. Very different from how I experience other things that other people are addicted to instead of sex, see? So that makes it very easy for all of us to misunderstand. Maybe this will say it better, it isn't personal she would react that way if anybody else said the same words and even if we switch out the addictive object: "I've really struggled in the past with shooting a lot of dope but I'm doing great now!" Of course the trick is that for a lot of people pm+ isn't like dope but for me it is, so that can seem like reductio ad hitlerum type exaggeration but for this addict it fits. So it helps me remember that a few months or even in my case years is not "good on ya" to normal people, I know a non addict who has literally been nofap since birth, refrained from pm+ a lot longer than me :)
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  16. elitsing

    elitsing Fapstronaut

    She probably doesn't realize how common it is even among older men. I think some people think it's mostly for teenagers or people who can't get a girl. An obsession with it would seem immature until you understand it's become an addiction and the person really does and is trying to stop. I'd talk to her about it and if she doesn't respect you for it then maybe move on

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