Is attraction okay?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by 011214, Jan 27, 2015.

  1. 011214

    011214 Fapstronaut

    I'm wondering if there are any gurus out there who can offer insight on attraction.

    I'm in a relationship and have been throughout my recovery, which has now been just over a year. Because of my past relationship to sex and attraction, my partner is still very hurt. I've been free of porn for over a year, but there's still so much healing that needs to happen.

    My question is this: is it possible, and healthy, to be attracted only to my partner from here on in? To most people this probably sounds like wishful thinking. But if there are any of you who have been able to come through this with a level of commitment to their partners that renders all other women incapable of attracting your attention, please, do tell.

    I don't go through life gawking at women, or fantasizing about them. In fact, I avoid looking at them altogether, which in itself may be unhealthy. But there are still times when I experience attraction. I would rather not. I don't choose it. I don't act on it, in my mind or in my behavior. But it happens. And it's so minor compared to how I feel for my partner, but the fact that it exists, or even that I'm afraid of it existing, continues to disrupt our relationship.

    I've been exploring what attraction means and what its purpose is on a spiritual level. My idealistic side says that once I find my partner all other women should have no pull on me whatsoever. I know that most would say this is unrealistic and maybe unhealthy. Most would say, "you're a man. It's completely natural to feel attracted to women. If you weren't, then you wouldn't be attracted to your partner." I get that perspective, and maybe it's true, but if anyone has anything different to offer, I would greatly appreciate it. I think that my relationship rides on resolving this question.


  2. GreatScott!

    GreatScott! Fapstronaut

    Hey, first of all, a big CONGRATULATIONS on a pn free, sober one year plus. That is simply awesome and good motivation for me. I see so little long term success, it can be quite disheartening. Wow again.

    I'm not a guru and I understand where you're coming from. To answer your question, I would start by saying that, IMO, attraction, like love, exists on many levels. Sure, we can all feel attracted to someone with a certain look, physique, hair, movement, laugh, etc. We can recognize it for what it is, and that is probably not unhealthy. Taking it further in the head is heading towards lust, fantasy and more. This is where we addicts stumble, at least I do. Dwelling on someone for too long, thinking about that other person. Some might say that this is only one level of a person, and that is quite shallow. You probably know all this already. But since you say you don't act on it, and that it's really quite minor, why do you feel it is disrupting your relationship?

    Me, I've had to look into my past, my story, to see why I do this. Maybe you're trying to meet a certain need or feel that there is something lacking in what you currently have? I'm not in a position to give advice, but I would focus on what is real. I hope your relationship is strong enough to survive this challenge.
  3. Nai

    Nai Fapstronaut

    This is a very good question, and congratulations on your progress!

    I had that same thought in my mind yesterday. It happens to me as well. I don't have a girlfriend right now, but it happened during my last relationship. There are attractive women everywhere it seems, they are all over the place. I agree with GreatScott that this it is ok if you can appreciate the details like a woman's smile or hair for what they are, at that moment. But if you carry it with you, it is an act of compulsion. I am also not an expert, but it is said these types of behaviors are a result of events in one's past. In my case, when I was in elementary my parents were very strict on my academic performance and would ground me for months if I got bad grades. During those times I developed a sense of isolation and loneliness. I was the "bad child" because I was enforced an unreasonable set of standards. I was deprived of any type of social interaction. I could not hang out with any friends.

    By acknowledging this, I realized that I was probably trying to compensate for those feeling of loneliness by compulsively feeling attracted to women, creating relationships in my head after 10 minutes of talking to any woman I felt attracted to.

    I am currently overcoming this by first, recognizing that I am thinking that way. Then I tell myself (or my 'addict subpersonality') that I am ok, and that I don't have to feel lonely anymore. I am not that little kid anymore. That usually brings me back to the present moment with a better attitude.

    Your case might not be as extreme as this one, but thought I'd share some of my experience in case if provides any insights :)

    Thank you!
  4. You Don't Love your Girlfriend if you like her so called assets[eyes,hair,lips etc.].You Love someone because you Love their soul.Attraction is Normal.God wants to check out how strongly you love.So He will play some Dices.:) Getting attracted to girl is absolutely normal,but when you get attracted,just smile and say "I Desire Nothing.I Already have selfless,eternal love." And Move On.
  5. Victo

    Victo Fapstronaut

    This article I read recently mentions 'attraction' in terms of how our brain is monitoring our environment and says "The human male goes about his tasks continually monitoring his environment, generally not focused on reproduction. Nevertheless, at some level, he is continually taking a sexual inventory of whatever passes by his eyes, very often with little distraction."
  6. VanillaMochi

    VanillaMochi Fapstronaut

    Being attracted to someone is fine. I work with plenty of attractive people. I do not fantasize about them. I do not exactly know them on a deeper level, or actively engage in conversations with them. There are things I admire in their work. Everyone is different, yet we share similar hardships and life goals. No one wants to be miserable. We want to be happy. To have peace. Friendship. Love.

    I think you may be confusing attraction with love and sex. I agree with what some others have said that if you carry these woman with you after a certain period of time then it may be a problem. Try wearing a rubber band and snapping it whenever you have a sexual thought about someone who you do not have a sexual relationship with. This seems to work for me, for whatever reason. I do not think that you should be avoiding these feelings. You are going against the natural flow of things. It is not unhealthy to find someone attractive. You may be missing a friendship or opportunity because of this.

    I do wish you luck in your relationship and your life.

    God bless!
  7. heartpower

    heartpower Fapstronaut

    It isn't a question of right or wrong, or of what it means. It is a question of what it means to you, and your following actions will determine right or wrong.

    Attraction is natural. If you go out of your way to experience attraction, that is one thing, but if it happens as you are going about your business, it is divine. It's beautiful.

    So, if you tell yourself that attraction means you are an unfaithful person, or living on the edge, then perhaps you need to make it mean something better.

    A person may not know what it means when they feel inclined to buy a cinnamon roll, but they may need to ask themselves if they can eat that sort of thing, or perhaps if they could afford it. It wouldn't make much sense for them to try and figure out why they are drawn to the cinnamon roll and raise suspicion in thier own mind.

    The only reason it is getting in the way of your relationship is because of your thoughts about what is occuring, not because if what is occuring.
  8. Avidadventurer

    Avidadventurer Fapstronaut

    One good way that you can make your attraction more exclusive to just your partner is to try doing new things together. This will allow both of you to rediscover/discover new things about each other and help seal a bond between the two of you. It will also cause you to think more exclusively of her due to the chemical reactions of doing new/exciting things together.

    Try painting, hiking, reading, or exploring different parts of the city together. :)
  9. 011214

    011214 Fapstronaut

    Thanks A,
    I like that approach. My partner and I spend a lot of time together but it's rare that we go out on an adventure or have new experiences together. It's difficult because she gets anxious in any circumstance where there might be other women around. So, we're a little limited. We do do a lot together but it's nice to get out and have a new experience in a context where our cyclical conversations around these issues aren't so easily returned to. Thanks again
  10. michgem0707

    michgem0707 Fapstronaut

    Your doing real good, your situation is about like some of those who are married. When a girl knows of infidelity they are hurt and do not want you in that situation. Talk things through, find little things to show your love and faith in her. Women they say like the little hints. I had a big hit recently when my wife mentioned she was thinking about a strawberry sunday. The next day when she was at work I picked up not only a Sunday for her but one for me and kept them both til she came home and we ate them together. I still am not where I get good erections with her but we are working on it

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