Is PM the problem or PMO?

For me I can't not have sex. I'm married and given our current situation I can't. But I can tell you sex has a downside for me. My mind tends to wander into porn fantasies during sex. Also, I inexperience the chaser effect, I want to PMO after sex (often the next day or so). I can say that giving up PMO even for just a few weeks helped my erection tremendously.

I'd say if you can try to take a break from sex. And maybe try to limit its frequency once you resume. I think if you can abstain from O that is better. I don't know that it is necessary.

 

With O, it is more of a retrain than a reboot. You are not trying to go back to a pre-sexual state and start over fresh, but to retrain your mind to concentrate only on the person you are with and on the sensations of the moment. You would probably want to do some body awareness and couple communication work.
This is just a shot in the dark, but for men, sex/orgasm is often an attempt to fulfill or escape other needs beyond sexual release. With orgasm, we feel successful, desirable, connected, understood, . . ., but it may just be dopamine dulling our life and allowing us an escape. Our thinking on sex often leads us to typically concentrate more on what we what we are getting than on what we are giving or experiencing. You may have some other areas of you life than need work, and you may be using sexual success as a cover up. You can feel good after sex, but you could feel really great after finishing a project and then enjoying sex for sex.

 

I am not recommending any form of rejecting her. I am suggesting you concentrate on her especially during this stage of reformatting your thinking. If her body were what you sensed with, what would you like to sense? What would excite it, if your brain were in her body instead of yours? Can you imagine perceiving from that perspective?

 

I'm a SO of an addict with suffered from pied he had DE meaning he could not O from anything but his own hand and occasionally he had ED. I have given this advice a few times so it may help to hear it from a partners perspective. Mine had it from day one. First we know something is wrong and are confused on your inability to perform. We blame ourselves think we are unattractive or not good in bed. If an explanation is not provided since the relationship is new we will likely leave so you need to tell her. Be honest about your addiction and ask for her help in whatever your plan to conquer it is. She may leave she may not be able to handle the porn but being honest with her is the only chance you have to recover and be together long term. Imagine if she finds out five years from now then she feels lied to? Doing so will also relieve some of your anxiety as she now news and can help you. For every person the answer is different. Some do elect to do a hard reboot or still have sexual contact just no O. In our case we continued to have sex but agrees that if he could not O we would stop and try again. He agreed that his only sexual contact would be from me and he would never use his hand and no P. It was difficult for him but with persistence it worked and cured the issue. Honestly if he had said to me earlier on no sex I would have left. It's different when you have years in verses a new relationship. If having sex causes you to want to PMO more "rebound effect" or if it causes increased anxiety for you then I would not recommend it. PMO is a coping mechanism. When you remove it you often have a lot of emotions you have been suppressing to deal with. So poor performance in bed or comments from your partner may hurt you a lot. If you do need a hard reboot I would suggest fixing yourself first then dating later.