It has to end... 29yo male from Germany

Hi everyone!

I joined this forum because I think it's easier to be anonymous opening up about this topic and may be a good start in the right direction. Also I believe that the writing will help me deal with my past and the current problems. Sorry in advance for the long post.

Btw I'm open for the idea of an AP because I have good experiences in general with "partners" who check up on each other regularly - so if someone is interested and can relate with my story feel free to contact me.

My story begins round about age 13-14 when I first started "exploring" my sexuality, back then at first with magazines, playboy etc. until I had the first contact with images of pornstars, hentai, and then actual porn. I was an introvert (although not so mentionable from the outside) and never had real sex until 21. The early illness and death of my mother and the inability to talk to anyone certainly was the major cause of this but I think the fapping definitely contributed to my inability to connect with girls/women.

My pure physical symptoms were not too bad in the beginning but I can say now that there were a lot of faps to escape my emotions, boredom etc. I never really talked about that stuff with anybody so I often lied to my girlfriends if it didn't work down there or even escaped from the situation. Every relationship I had was negatively influenced by watching porn, some less some more.

At the end of university and my first breakup I started a 4 year long period of depression, hypomanic phases (or bipolar disorder), clinics and therapy. Since almost 2 years now I am stable with the right diagnose but during that time I did a lot of stupid things.

The content of the porn I watched got increasingly extreme and pretty much from the start (with 14-15) I developed a preference for big fake tits and the "pornstar-look". In real life it is of course much rarer to meet women with that look so 1,5 years ago during the beginning of a new relationship and a manic phase I went to happy end massages and then prostitutes - all with that specific look and at the time I really loved it. I even had a deal with one, where I did personal training with her as payment for the sex. Sounds like a great movie right? But it now feels like a bad one and I totally lost control back then: I smoked weed every day, lost my driver's license and spent all my savings on weed and hookers (To be honest I was very close going to a hooker 2 weeks ago after going to a club which was kind of a wakeup call...)

My ex helped me a lot to find my way back out of the following depression but I never told her about the prostitutes... we split up around June this year (consensual because of other reasons) which was a good decision but almost all of our sexual life was negatively influenced by either fapping to porn or going to prostitutes (which I stopped after the manic phase). Up to the point that I pretty much never was in the mood to having sex, I found excuses not to do it, had problems to cum or had to fantasize about porn during sex to finish..., and it/I almost always felt empty with not much pleasure.

Now I'm single, mentally stable and want to meet real women and have good sex again which doesn't feel boring, meaningless and numb. I have done noFap some time (3 years I think) ago for maby 20-30 days and experienced a little "reboot-sensation" back then but now I really want to quit porn for good.
I also hope to lose the ideal of the extremely exaggerated pornstar-body in women... I believe this is much more down the road then my physical reboot because it is engrained since my puberty to be the most appealing type of women to me...

I can also relate with all the other areas porn addiction affects mentioned on this website. This has to end so i can reach my goals and have a happy fulfilled life!!! Of course there is more to it than just quitting porn but I have the strong feeling it is a major cause holding me back.

My goals:

• to be 30 days pmo free (I'm 10 days in)
• After that, 60 days pmo free with the exception I have real sex - from that moment pm-free
• After that I want to stay pm-free for more 90 days (I hope I had real sex until then, if not also orgasm-free)
• After that I would live ideally porn free, considering masturbating without porn not as a relapse...It's a long way until then, maby my goals will change

I know that it is very likely to have setbacks and the urges, struggles and excuses will be really bad. But it has to stop and I hope this forum and an AP will help me stay motivated!


Thanks for listening and potential AP's are welcome to text me