I posted this in 40+ as I was a 70s kid but thought I'd share it here to try to get some advice/feedback. So here's my story: As a gay man, my relationship with porn has been complicated. When I was growing up, I heard endless messages, even from my own parents, about how being gay was sick and perverted etc. etc. I initially tried to "turn myself straight" by masturbating to straight porn mags figuring if I had enough orgasms looking at women I could "reprogram" myself. Needless to say, it didn't work. This was pre-internet so there wasn't a whole lot to counter all the negative messages. Finally I got up the courage to take the bus 2 hours to New York City where I could be anonymous and and they'd sell gay porn on VHS tapes to someone who wasn't legal age. These tapes, which I'd sneak into the living room to watch in the middle of the night and hid in the attic insulation during the day were the ONLY thing I had as a teen that showed me there were other gay people. Flash forward 25 years and I'm now married to a guy I've been with for 10 years but having issues where the porn I see on the internet seems way more exciting than having a real, intimate relationship. The porn that initially made me feel less lonely and like I wasn't the only gay guy on earth is now interfering with a relationship that, objectively, is great. I guess it's because the guys in porn are always ready to go and live up to the stereotype that men always want sex in as many ways as possible with as many people as possible when the reality is that, after working at high stress jobs all day, a real world relationship sometimes means sex just on weekends. So far, I've managed to abstain from porn for up to a month and when that happens, by the second week my relationship always improves. But then something happens and I slip back and then find myself getting angry at my partner for not being willing to do a lot of things I see in porn (even though, outside of porn, they don't particularly interest me either) or when real life sex doesn't always go as smoothly as it does in porn, such as someone getting elbowed or jabbed or the dog jumps on the bed etc. I'm hoping other people's stories on this site can help me give upon now that, objectively, I see it more as a negative than a positive.
Because of you sexuality porn was something that was your safety blanket so to speak, it was a place where you could feel normal and secure about yourself. The thing you didn't know was that you were forming a habit and addiction in your mind. Porn is always more exciting to the mind than real sex because of dopamine and your brain always tries to tell you that it is more exciting. With abstaining from porn and masturbating this will eventually go away.
He knows I watch but probably not as much as I actually do and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know some of the more depraved stuff I've watched
Thanks for this. Very insightful. It's as if I had a broken leg and took pain meds for it but now my leg is no longer broken and the medicine is hurting more than its helping.
