Joining NoFap, I can't do this alone and I need help (Spoilers)

Hi NoFap community. I am coming here for help and accountability as I have recently destroyed my life due to porn/masturbation to orgasm addiction, as well as addiction to alcohol and potentially sex as well. Sorry if this gets too explicit/trying to share my story as much as I can to get it out of my head.

I have long had a history of porn addiction, probably since about the 5th grade. I used PMO as a means to cope with depression/anxiety and fantasize about life. I have recognized that it was affecting me very negatively through various points of my life and tried to stop with various degrees of success.

I've tried filling my time with other activities, I've tried setting aside specific days of the week to do it (like a cheat day), I've tried being in a relationship with a very sexual and very caring/supportive person, I've tried abstaining on my own, I've tried accepting it as a part of my life, I've tried a geographic cure, and I've tried using church groups/religious organizations, nothing has helped me last for long.

The best I've done abstaining from PM was for about 4 months in a relationship. I was able to because I knew it had been a leading factor in breaking us apart for a month (although she didn't know that for sure and I have so much shame about this I refused to open up to her about it), so I was using the mantra "It (Porn) will destroy my relationship, not even once". This worked for a while, but then I ended up relapsing a bit when she was sick and I was bored on my own for a week when I had been expecting to spend a lot of time with her. At first with no obvious destruction or separation between us, I thought I could manage using it for a bit again, like I had in the beginning of our relationship. I was thinking it was okay but then I started using it as an outlet when I was drunk/mad at her I'd leave to go use porn to get my satisfaction. I also started getting incredibly insecure again as I grew sick with myself for this and it pushed us apart. I couldn't handle what was happening and I ended up physically assaulting her by choking her on 2 separate occasions. She's gone, and I hate it and I'm trying to move on, but I still care about her more than anyone else and have never been loved like she loved me before. I don't want to cause this pain to myself or another person again and I know that my PMO/sex addiction is one of the leading factors, as well as my drinking problem. I've used the two in conjunction for so long alcohol loosens me up and relaxes me and then PMO/sex brings me the big rush.

Since this happened, I've stopped drinking, but have found I have not been able to abstain from PMO consistently. I've made it about 3 days, ~45 days and about ~55 days. This past weekend led to me doing some incredibly risky and unsafe behaviors including trying to hire an escort and getting robbed. I need help and I need support, because while I know there is more to life than PMO/sex, I crave it so much to be a part of my life right now in order to focus on putting everything else back. It's been hard enough to stop drinking, stopping this and consistently feeling triggered by all the ads for sex and my work environment where I cope with boredom by starting to distract myself which leads to thinking about porn.

I had previously read about the concept of NoFap, and like I said, implemented it on my own to various degrees of success, but since I have been using r/stopdrinking to help with my alcohol use, I have found I also need the same support from this community and likely the subreddit as well.

 

Thanks that's a good thing to try and keep in focus