Just Joined making me a Newbie... haven't heard that term since my StarCraft days

hey guys,

I am a 31 year old man and I started looking at pornography when I was around 11/12. It comes almost as a shock that I've spent nearly 2 decades looking at pornography, which really makes me feel ashamed and sad and angry. It started out with Victoria Secret catalogue and Sports Illustrated Swimstuit issues and quickly turned to internet pornography. After learning more about the problems of high speed internet pornography from "yourbrainonporn.com," I am thankful that at least I started out on those wooden modems dialing up with AOL.com and shit. I can only imagine what things would be like if I was a horny 18 year old with the kind of internet pornography available today. I've been at this enough to notice the trends over time. Damn those were slow as connections, back then. No videos and a lot less resolution on the photos back then. My heart reaches out to the younger guys out there and I hope that I can be an example and mentor (in due time) for them in ways that I never had, but desperately needed in my youth.

I always felt bad about pornography and guilty of my activity but I felt compelled to do it, while I abstained from real sex in my life because I viewed it as morally wrong. Somehow I had reasoned that masturbation with pornography was not as bad as sex with a real woman. I don't really care what the verdict is, I just don't want to look at pornography anymore. I've made several attempts to stop, my most serious back in 2011. I went nearly three months with only a few lapses. Since then however, I've engaged in it on a semi frequent basis monthly or bi-weekly or so.

I realize today that the main reason I failed to be successful in stopping before was that I tried to do it all on my own and didn't talk about it in any of my relationships. I am grateful for all those who have courage to engage in this forum and appreciate the support, audience, and voice. I hope to bear witness (in silence where appropriate) and to share my perspectives.

As I gain life's experience I am beginning to perceive all of the negative effects of pornography in my life, especially my relationships, not only with women but also with other men.

I was a victim, but today I'm taking responsibility for my actions and redefining my life. It is not what I value, nor who I want to be, and I've been inspired by some of the you tube videos of Fapstronauts.

My goal is to not masturbate for 40 days, which started on May 22. I'm going to revaluate the masturbation at that point and may continue abstinence. I've made an 88 day goal for no pornography.

Wish me luck and I hope to make some new friends, offer and receive support in this forum.

Fuel has a song entitled "bittersweet," which resonates with me. The lyrics indicate how I feel. I am sad that I have lost two decades and spent my strength down the drain to images on my computer screen. Yet, I'm also excited and hopeful of a new life that can open up to me as I overcome this.

for strength and honor,

Josh