Four weeks ago, hit a rock bottom, woke up collapsed on my living room floor with glass from a shattered table top cutting my body, blood pressure dropped from combining drugs when meeting with random stranger for sex. Massive month of self improvement and nofap, not using porn, and reflection and meditation. Get to dating, get a date because I'm a pretty social and attractive person. Have no confidence with the girl when she's at home at my place, but no ability to initiate. Get onto a sugar dating website few days later to just try to pay to get laid, but I have no money so I'll try to get laid with out it. Go on date with girl and I'm out of her league, but I enjoy the date, and forget we were there from a sugar baby website. She brings up the conversation about how much I'd be willing to support her with, at this point I've already lied a bunch about how much money I make/have. Reinforcing the narrative that I have nothing to offer a woman. I lost my virginity to a girl I paid you know. I don't get it. Im just a sad heap.