Last night was WEIRD.

Slight trigger warning - nothing graphic.

Part 1. - sex
Part 2. - revelations


Part 1.
Only two days into my latest reboot attempt, I had casual sex. We exchanged just a few messages on a dating site Sunday, then I went over to her place and we started pretty much right away, barely any in-person interaction. But despite her inclination towards casual sex, she was really awkward and not very sensual. I had a hard time getting an erection because there was no kissing, not much enthusiasm. I managed to get the condom on, and climaxed quickly.

There was absolutely no dopamine rush. I ejaculated, but barely felt the orgasm, and was never as hard as I wanted. There was no cuddling, no connection, and no excitement. I've had GOOD casual sex before, but usually there was either a nice date beforehand, or on the few times I've slept with someone right away, we at least had physical passion and excitement. This reminded me of when I lost my virginity, the girl was horny but awkward.

Afterwards, we chatted a little bit, and it was kind of nice to just be friendly and talk about stuff unrelated to sex. But it was still kind awkward, and when I left I just felt kind of numb and shocked.


Part 2.
Without going into a long backstory, I have been hopelessly in love with my best friend for months. We dated very briefly when we first met, it didn't work out for stupid reasons, then we developed a very intense emotional intimacy later, when she had another boyfriend. For a while, I was not romantically interested in her, I just appreciated the emotional bond. But I developed a terrible crush on her, worst I've ever had. I was obsessed with the idea of being with her again, combining the passion and romance we briefly had with the deeper emotional intimacy we had built.

She still has a boyfriend, and she recently moved to Australia for a semester of college. I called her a couple hours after the sex, and confessed my feelings for her. She was shocked, but very understanding. We agreed that our friendship is important and it will survive.

Got into some pretty deep conversation. I still feel like our time as a couple got cut off far too soon. She had gotten out of a long relationship about 5 months before we met, and she kind of freaked out and pulled away because she was afraid of how much she was into me. Then we had a few miscommunications. She agrees that we could have hard a stronger, longer relationship, BUT she helped me see that the way things played out was the only way we could have developed the deep, deep intimacy and bond we have now.

Without going into details, I still think her boyfriend is wrong for her, but I respect her decision. It's not for me to see what they have. I don't think they will last long term, but I do think our friendship will be one of the few that I hold onto for decades, whether or not we ever become romantic again.

I'm still not over her, but I think getting it out in the open will help me move on. For a little while I was going on a lot of first dates, but I gave up because I couldn't feel a spark with any of them (except one, that didn't work out for other complicated reasons). I don't know if I'm really ready to have a girlfriend yet again, but I'm closer to being open to the possibility, allowing myself to really like someone.

 

She told her boyfriend about our conversation, and I really want to talk to him directly, but he's not returning my messages.

 

I just want to try to apologize and let him know I am not a threat to his relationship. I don't have to be his buddy, but I don't want to cause more stress to anyone.

 

I have always thought that was total bullshit, that no two people are "meant to be" but for the first time in my life, I'm sort of believing in.

I only have a very few really close friends that I've kept for over ten years. But there are some friends that even if we go a couple years without talking, whenever we do talk or visit, it's like no time has passed. These are the people that know me better than anyone. And I already know that she is one of them. I don't know if we'll ever be together again romantically, but I know our loyalty to each other will survive, even if we have to take some time apart.