Learn from my mistakes

On my profile you can read what i posted about my experiences with pmo and how it lead me into depraved sexual encounters. In short it was a plethora of terrible mistakes. To this day I am still trying to get over it. Im 20 years old and feel my life has been hijacked by this addiction that really went off the rails the last 2 years for me. It messed up so many potential positive things in my life i couldve had sooner but have been cut short by this fucked up shit. I honestly feel like im dying inside. Im able to put on the mask excuse the pun in public and hide very well that this ever happened and how i truly feel. I was molested when i was a young kid and i had repressed those memories up until my mid teens when social media and the internet started becoming more prevalent in my life and i got hooked on porn. I was always into women and the porn id get off to was always straight, i never thought twice. But the more i became addicted and the more i started abusing substances the more my addiction escalated to where i was watching porn all the time. And just before i turned 19 is when i crossed that line into ts porn. It was just more dopamine rush, a higher fix. I was still a virgin at this point until i stumbled upon an escort website and thats when things took a dark turn man. I lost my virginity to an escort dude. And then i seen a couple more after, none were ideal or great experiences for the most part. These were dirty women man. Eventually, while still watching being engulfed in porn addiction, i went and seen a ts escort which was one of the options on the site for ts. The whole time leading up to it i was so conflicted within whether or not i should go through with it realizing this could all be just my mind playing tricks from the addiction. I knew i would regret it. But i still went and no penetration was involved on both sides and i didnt give any head ill just say that and after it felt like i remembered how i felt after i had been molested as a kid. I did something that was not me. But i was still involved. This was back in late September of last year 2020. Till now im struggling with very bad thoughts on no longer wanting to live anymore. I still havent been able to move on from the shame regret and guilt which i knew id have. Jesus man. I wonder how things wouldve turned out if i didnt have access to the internet. Its like always having crack and a pipe next to a fiend wherever he is, of course hes gonna use. Sorry for the drawn out post thanks to anyone who read.

 

Most of your suggestions Ive done. Ive had a journal since i was 13. That definitely does help. I’ve poured my soul out onto those papers. I know my childhood has a lot do with it. Working out and keeping up with my appearance I can definitely do more of. You see man if you met me in person you would never suspect Im going through anything like this. Im a very good conversationalist and I’ve never really had problems with girls besides the fact that i cant keep one lol. Lately, I’ve tried looking at my current situation through a different lens. That only segments of my life have been low points. I still have my whole life ahead of me god willing to make up for what could be just minor bumps in the road along my journey. Its just battling those demons like you said and the constant sickening feelings in my gut because of my past right now thats getting to me. I know i have to get out of my own way and outta my fucked up head. But I’m learning perspective is everything. And the more actions you make that match that perspective, the more the vision gets clearer. I know what I have to do. I just need to keep doing it. At this point im just venting, either here or on paper. Appreciate you man thank you

 

The only conclusions i can come to as to how i got here is that I fucked up and I was a vulnerable kid and growing up I never had much guidance nor knowledge of self combined with the personal struggles of my upbringing, I was susceptible to a life of depression drugs and eventually pmo which stems from my childhood being sexually abused made my whole mind warped. Man sometimes I still feel like im in dark shallow corner alone because of the fucking fact that my dumbass went and did what i did. I look at the guys i know in my life and I look at them with just a god bless em outlook because i know we all go through our own shit but at least they didnt do this sissy shit i did. Its pathetic and I know it. The only way I know i can come back from all this is through my actions aligned with my thoughts of consciousness, the righteous thoughts. Not those evil sick demented thoughts that have plagued my brain since i was 15 and no longer giving into em. I have to take my power back. I know exactly why i did what i did and how it lead up to that point. Thats where i find some kind of comfort. That i can pinpoint what it was that got me there. And the simple truth and it isnt me deflecting responsibility of my actions i take full accountability, but the truth is I’m not that same person anymore. I was literally in a state of hypnosis without a doubt in a trance. And now im learning to treat myself like i would someone else i care for thank you jordan peterson. I can come back from this. You cant change the past but you know what, I believe if you begin living in the present moment and have a vision of a better future, you can go back in your past and envision yourself doing certain things differently. We humans give up so much power to this world and our sick society but the real power is all within. I just ask everyday god or the universe or whatever to forgive me for going down a misguided path and enable me the strength to move on and live with that spark of energy i once had before my innocence was shattered. Almost teared up typing this. Advice id give is to make sure you dont keep all this bottled up inside like i have. Its okay to talk to someone or find an outlet to release that fire inside you. Dont lose hope and understand you’re only as wise as the ways you went down and where you choose to go decides all that if that made any sense. Sorry for long post. Thanks