Loneliness, my thoughts for today.

It's a strange thing, loneliness. I am an introvert and a quiet type. Is it due to my fear of social interaction? Or is it the opposite? I like being alone but not lonely...

I struggle with any relationship. I have only once felt I could truly be myself with someone. But that was before I became so corrupted.

I have believed for so long that I am unlovable. That my flaws are irredeemable. It feels justified that I be punished for my filth. That my isolation when it is intentional is for the best. To protect those around me, from me.

Simply reading back over this self-pity bullshit, it still makes sense. That it, in itself is a flaw. I suppose I have given up any hope of being rid of "enough" flaws to be worth anyone's time. Much less their love.... Another flaw, in morbid reflection, becomes an incredibly dark outlook. The damn notion of the noble removal of oneself from the equation. Found its way into my mind at some point. Now, it seems it can never be dispelled. It's not necessarily an "unalive" type of thing. But a "may as well give up certain dreams" thing.

I truly enjoy life. Having been down that dark road. I find life itself to be a great blessing. Perhaps the notion originates there. A means of survival from a broken mind. A subconscious ideal that protects me from myself. There are so many things, blessings in my life. Several hobbies that bring joy and excitement to my heart. And still the greatest joy, being of use to someone in need.

Yet I am still empty. Having wasted so much of my life on stupid things. Pursuing the pleasures of the world at the cost of my soul. The way I look towards the future is solemn most days. Maybe a house when I'm 40. Shit, another decade to get where I want to be in life. I couldn't support a family on what I can earn now, so why even try, right?

I have this peace in me. Something will happen, someday. I might just discover a new dream, that fulfills the wanting of my heart. Theres just a lot of lost time and regrets. My mind tends to lean that way, I guess.

In truth. I do love you all. I'll be sticking around as long as the big guy upstairs sees fit.

If anyone is dealing with the dark stuff. I am always ready to talk or just listen.

Blessings,
Richard.

 

Greetings,
Exactly that. The journey should be enjoyed. It's the dark days and times of loneliness that make the good times so wonderful. I couldn't count the failures and the days spent in misery. But I also can't count the days of awesomeness either.

There are so many blessings that are taken for granted. Life especially is so precious.

For me, I have to point my mind in a positive direction. It's going to think about something, overthinking is definitely a big part of my consciousness. So I turn to a song I'm writing or a book I'm reading. Doing something, creating, fixing, building. Anything that moves or changes. The past is done, cannot be changed. There's no sense living in it.

Perhaps being able to see how valuable time was, brings recognition to how precious it is, as well.

I'm glad to have met you. I wish you the very best. Let us continue on this adventure, less alone.

Many thanks,
Richard

 

With you as well.

Yes, the 30s are looming. I think for me that has a lot to do with the solemn thoughts. Honestly turning 30 freaks me out a bit. I'm not sure why.

There are many good years ahead. Friends to meet for the first time.
Adventures to be had.
All that good stuff.

Glad to meet you