Luckybeard's story

Hi everyone,

I am 28 years old male. I've been struggling with fap/porn/online/etc addiction for so long. Let me tell my story.
I want to put everything what will come out of my head, may be NSFW, and sorry english is my second language.
I remember I was really young, may be 10 years old or even less when some of my friends showed me how to fap. I remember I was so young that when I cum there was no sperm, and I remember watching VHS tapes with porn at home of one my friends I was thinking wtf is this white pee coming from these guys dicks. And then I was freaked out when I cum with sperm myself for a first time. Anyway. I was addicted from very young age. And you know what, I think I had some problems even earlier, I remember when I was at kindergarten, probably about 5 years old, I have this memoryd, during daily sleeping hour my bed was right next to some girl's bed.. I remember trying to hug/touch her while she were sleeping, and feeling horny, taking my underwear off.. Just crazy.
Then I got some episodes like we were "playing" with guys, trying to fap together and then even try to have sex with each other, I think even suck each others dicks. It was only once or twice, I didn't like it, so we just stopped and pretend nothing ever happened.. I've heard stories like that, so may be it's not that weird. I don't know about other guys but I am 100% straight. We just was so high on porn and couldn't get any girls...
Then I was trying to play with my cousin, we used to spend time together during the summer when I was about 10-12 years I guess, she was a year or two older me, but again was nothing to serious even it's pretty weird anyway.
I remember having stash of some porn/erotic magazines with pictures or stories when I was a teenager.
Then when I got an internet, about when I was 14 or 15 I become addicted to chat rooms. Just watching the porn was not enough for me, I think some guys can relate to that. What really turned me on was real conversation with girls or women, then also phone sex. I liked to have cyber sex but was constantly looking for real one. By that time I was in school and I had problems with my mom because of huge bills for dial up internet and long distance calls... Of course it was a secret I hide from everyone.
And it was always a lot of guilt/shame. I liked just sitting and fapping for hours trying to find a female partner in chats or bombarding girls on dating websites with inappropriate messages. Sometimes I was able to find someone, but I always regret.
It was cheating, hiding, spending money on webcams, prostitutes, massage parlors, lying to have sex, constant looking for a partner.
I also realized that I have not only sexual issues, but in general I feel lonely and always want to have a women who supports me and care about me.

Right now I am 8 days sober. My goal is 90 days for now with NoFap/port/whatever sexual. Hard mode I guess. Hope my story is not too weird. Thanks.