Hi dear guys (and maybe girls?), I am not a native English speaker, so the disclaimer now: Sorry of my "medium" English, not too poor I think but not at a level to fully letting you comprehend what I think. Ok... I have been married for over a decade. Ups and downs as always - many of you know this I do not want to get into details why my marriage came to an end, but it was not due to porn. It was more a career stuff, I did not really made it, at least not in the eyes of my ex wife (but pls this is another story). What I can tell you is: I had the most traumatic last 3 years in my entire life. From Hero to Zero. Ok... After the divorce I fell into the trap of porn. I do not want to justifiy myself at all, but I do not drink, do not consume any other drugs than antidepressants unfortunately. At the beginning (over 3 years ago) my porn consumption was not a big deal for me. I think a fapped 10 to 30 minutes to my preferred genre (mostly MILF and stuff, no extreme things) and I felt absolutely ok after it. Ok I was not empowered afterwards and a slight feeling of guilt was still there, but not very much to interfere with anything. It was like goint to toilet, it is sometimes a nasty place right, I mean the toilet But at the end I am fine aftwards - just to compare it. Although it was a hard decision, I began with a computer science course in my 40s. Income was still enough to make the ends meet (with a job on top etc.). I unfortunately I got into a very young class (the average about 23) and with a different personality trait (I am more extrovert, but still itnerested in computers). My goal would be to get enough knowledge to be able to start a business, this is my only true goal why I attend this course (1 year left). The class is full of stereotype Nerds, who get annoying with time. No judging here, they are intelligent etc. but as I said they are the stereotype and mostly young... One big stressor more. Long story short: Full time course, extra job, and me without enough rescources for hobbies (money is lacking). In between I have grown spiritually also. You know this ego stuff etc. I do not judge people, have a good, very positive aura helping people etc. And with this evolution so to stay one thing did not help me any longer: porn. It was actually disgusting, a fake world. How was I even able to use it without any guilt and whatsoever for so long? At least I could be "secually active". Cause till now I am not ready to find a new partner, I have to heal first and my goals are to become a better version of myself (spiritually and financially). Making myself dependent on a woman is the worst I could do to me and also to a potential partner. At least for now I do not seek a partner and hence porn was convenient for me. I am not looking anyway, so where is the problem? Whenever I feel too stressed out, whenever I feel too loaded (too much sexual energy), I can not help me but If I do not masturbate already, at least I look at some pictures. Come on you are a man, what is wrong about it? Just look up is nothing bad, sometimes even to check if I am still sexually functioning. Always a bad idea. What happened now is: I get social anxiety from it, I can no longer handle this cheap drug. If I edge it gets really worse, then I need at least 3 days to come to baseline in terms of mental health. What has changed that I can not take this drug anymore? I guess I am awaken spiritually and with this version of me I can no longer allow this crap. And to be honest, how do we men feel after fapping to pixels? Like losers, yes me too. This change of mind started about 4 months ago, until then everyhting was "normal". Although I fapped every 2 days to it, sometimes searching for the right video for one to two hours. This was my escape, my drug of choice or maybe it was never a choice and I was addicted to it without knowing. Ok I want to quit it, but guess: No way... My longest streak was 10 days and I felt like a warrior, so much more myself. But whenever I relapse I fall down deeply. I want to make it. I just want a life without porn. I mean masturbating per se is not a big deal for me I guess, but I have to leave porn behind. I hope I can get your support here. Thx in advance!
Well more or less yes. The social anxiety is a big problem. Me at my core: Funny guy, very confident. If you see me after a relapse, it is like day and night. Some days very down, then up again. Then down, then up. It would be bs to say I would never relapse again. On the one hand I find it normal to release, but why do I feel like an alcohol or any drug addict and fall really down? I mean how to live with crazy urges and stay "clean"?
one day at a time brother. What I have been trying is: Gym daily Journal daily eating more healthy reading about porn addiction NoFap community and trying to get myself busy as being bored was my main trigger I am also on therapy once a week Its has been only 5 weeks but this is by far my biggest streak in over 20 years of porn. Stay strong one day at a time. don't fool yourself that this is not causing your harm as an excuse to reset.
Hi marsplanet, I did martial arts (MMA in my late 20s and early 30s). I am still active in sports but no Martial arts anymore. Maybe I should start it again (had some injuries). I generally go for a run and do bodyweight excercises. But I am healthy, thanks to God. I also began TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy). I guess TRT does not make it easier, although I am not as horny as in my 20s, but this is better I mean it is a life hack, I am strong as fck, but what to do with the energy right? Yes me too. My therapist is more a practical type of therapist. He nearly forces me to get a woman. Actually he is right. A supporting and loving woman would be nice... there are a plenty of dating sites (which I do not trust), but to be honest: I have to invest in myself first. If accidentally God would send me a truly genuine, loving woman... I would not reject her. The time will come. I have learned that nearly any woman wants a supplier. Nothing wrong about it, a man should work and care for his family, but it is a fairy tale to believe that women only want personality bla bla bla... So true, the problem is: I am living alone and work a lot with the computer. After a stressful night I swear to you it is as if a demon would take control over me... I lose absolutely control only to check afterwards what a mess I did. I do not want it! This is addiction right? It is always the same: Relapse after relapse! But I hope we will make it! Thank u a lot my brother. Porn is really a curse for the men of today, and also social media. Hope u are doing fine! Greets!
