Making It Out The Jungle

I am growing stronger, more ME is coming forward and expressing itself in many many ways. Feeling a little on edge today due to peek a couple of days ago, will pass quickly due to it only being a peek.

I have rectified the weakness of this "peek", and I now put my electronic devices in my car in the garage at night, then lock the car and put the keys in my wifes bedside draw, on the bottom, so there is no way I can get my keys without waking my wife. I do this on my weekends because this is where the weakness is (I have pleasantly learnt that I do not masturbate to pornography at night when I have work the next day).

Growing steadly, allowing time to do its thing, helping myself along the way <3

Time for a cold shower!!

 

Yes very true brother, absolute power over these thoughts is vital to destroying this addiction <3

 

I just wanted to write about these. Firstly, "Last voluntarily masturbated to pornography" is the last time I said to myself "I have an addiction, it affects my life negatively in so many ways, but I am still choosing to use". This is horrible stuff, it is the past. This will never happen again.
"Last Slip-up (rectifying weaknesses in plan)" means I was just surfing the net, relaxing, then a non-nude picture or video comes up so I view it, this turns into looking at more, and before I know it, simple internet browsing has become a porn session. The "rectifying weaknesses in plan" was to NEVER AGAIN click on any videos or images with attractive girls on it. This lead to me terminating my facebook account, and casual google image searches.
"Last peeked at Porn (rectifying weaknesses in plan)" means I was in a weak place and I looked at pornography, but didnt masturbate or ejaculate. The "rectifying weaknesses in plan" part of this is realising that having any accessible electronic devices around when it is at night and I have a day off work, and now putting these devices in my car at night, locking the car, and putting the keys in draw next to where my wife sleeps, so she will wake if I decide its a 'good idea' to get the keys out.

I am so proud of myself and how far I have come in my journey. I am certain that there are no more weaknesses within me and my plan, and therefore no longer letting the idea of pornography addiction continue to rob me of my happiness, success and love in life.

 

So I relapsed, woke up in the middle of the night (as what normally happens) and my "irrational mind" made a belay for my PC, turned on porn and looked. Went back to bed after my "rational mind" took over, and went to sleep. Woke up, and jerked off to porn once.

So what have I learnt from this relapse?

First of all, I am tired of relapsing. It takes it out of me going thru this cycle again and again. But I am hoping with this new plan, I will never look at pornography again!

New Plan:
1. EVERY NIGHT before going to bed I will put my electronic devices in a place where I CANNOT get them. Ideas like putting them in my locked car, then putting keys inside the back of my wifes bedside draws - where it's impossible to get without waking her up. Or giving them to someone to mind until I wake up in the morning - So that when my "irrational mind" "takes over" in the middle of the night, I have no option but to go back to sleep or read etc, allowing my "rational mind" to take over again. This will make it IMPOSSIBLE for my "irrational mind" to take over, and this taking over is what is causing me to relapse again and again.

THAT'S IT! My day time plan is fine and sorted, its just my night time plan that has needed adjusting. I will follow this plan until the end of June (17 weeks from now) and will see how I am in regards to this weakness - Am I still waking up in the middle of the night craving porn? etc etc.

 

So to reiterate to myself what I need to do to remain free from this addiction:
DAY TIME PLAN: Keeping my Journal with me, so as to have it readily available as much as possible every moment of the day.
NIGHT TIME PLAN: Locking electronic devices away in car, putting key in wifes' bedside draws.
DRINKING PLAN: Leaving electronic devices at home, or giving them to my friends and requesting they DO NOT return it to me until lunchtime the next day (Journal ties in to the morning of after-drinking)
HOME ALONE: See Daytime and Nightime plans, more to be added when this event happens sometime in the future
NO LIST: Searching Rap music, women image searches, searching for women online, Social media, masturbating more than once a week (none for the first week after porn sessions), drinking coffee before 5am, bizarre google searches
OBSERVANT: Of thoughts/desires to be loved, admired/fame - seeing it for what it truly is, when attractive women come up on the TV - seeing them for what they truly are, Imaginary/Mental conflicts - seeing them for what they truly are, Of my need to look/stare at attractive women (or the hope for), Of venting onto others due to my own-perceived "short-comings".

 

Locked in, going really well this morning. Wanted to add some things to my resolve/plan. Going really well!!

 

Hi everybody, I wanted to updated my Plan a little. To simplify it more, to make it easier for me:

DAY TIME PLAN: FREEDOM, Why would I ever go back to porn?
NIGHT TIME PLAN: Locking electronic devices away in car, putting key in wifes' bedside draws.

That's it!

 

Day 3: Not that days really matter, I am free! Feeling a lot of different positive emotions today: Freedom, gratitude, happiness, joy, looking forward to the future, excited. Porn is knocking at the door and wanting admittance, but why would I even entertain, let alone indulge, in the idea of opening that door. Mainly, I am feeling freedom. Freedom from the prison that is my addiction to pornography. Man I feel good <3

 

More power and freedom within me growing today, feeling slight lack of confidence in myself which is a great sign that I am growing and purifying within. Freedom, man that feels good to say, Freedom from this disease, this addiction. I am living in absolute, undisputed Freedom!!

 

I wanted to write something, even though I feel like I need to. Been following my night plan of putting electric devices in my car at night, working well. Day time pangs were evident this morning but they were easily dealt with - Pangs = Freedom. If I didn't have the Pangs then I would be deep in the porn, right? So pangs are emotional evidence of my seperation/freedom/annihilation of/from porn.

Just taking it easy on myself today, no rush no pressure. Just allowing things to naturally happen, steadly moving forward. Staying in my own lane, feeling sorry for others who are involved in negativity in their lives, and how they deal with it in destructive ways. Feeling really good, just focusing on me and my life. Not getting involved in others stuff, "keeping my eye on the bag" as someone once put it.

 

Another day in the bag, just being me really. Life is so good, sticking to the plan and remaining Free. On day 7 now, yeah boy

 

About an hour and a half from one week (7 days). Very happy this week, no P or M. Very proud! ❤

 

Day 8 done, onto Day 9 now. Time flies, just focusing on everyday, doing what I need to do.

 

Day 10: Feeling great, up to double digits now. Makes me realise that time flies, been nearly 10 days since. Feeling more myself, more me, more centred and more confident in me. My goals in regards to pornography have been to safeguard ME, myself and my personality, for pornography makes me into someone else, someone not me, and someone I don't want to be. Harbouring me, having me, being me - that's one of the things that keeps me straight on this journey, even after so many days of abstinence, when the brainwashing starts to appear like a "good idea". Being ME, in this moment, in this day, this reality, and not living in the past or in times where I did feel good about myself, for I feel good about myself now. I've never been so confident in ME, the real me, not a false self created in order to attain an equilibrium for a lack of love within. Feeling "in the moment", real, not separate from life.

 

About 30 mins until end of Day 10, onto Day 11. Core feelings of why I use pornography coming up for me (guilt, shame, anger, sadness etc), so I've just been biding my time and seeing this as the death of the porn addiction and the freedom of myself. This emotional process is necessary, I have to go thru this in order to forever free myself from this horrible, crippling disease.
Luckily, I have today off work and tomorrow, so I have time to be by myself and do whatever I wish to do. I might do some gardening today, some fresh air and exercise is good for the mind, body and soul. But yeah, into Day 11!

 

End of Day 11, now on Day 12. Damn time flies, 11 whole days since I used. Got the slight headache today, that comes with the withdrawal period. Feeling a bit like a failure today, feeling like I want to be more "successful" in life, but I know that that is just the effects of pornography upon me. These feelings are slowly, tepidly cooling. And even if these feelings of failure are true, then how come I'm on Day 12? Isn't this success? Isn't being FREE from pornography, an addiction that I have quit and overcome, the greatest success and ultimate achievement of my life?

Night time plan of isolating my electronic devices from my home is really helping, so will continue to do this until the beginning of July '23. and see where I'm at from there.

On a side note, I am beginning to learn that everything is about timing, and that you can't rush the things you want to have and see in your life. It sometimes feels like things aren't working out or that the universe is trying to stop you from getting to where you want to be and see. But the reality is that when the time is right, everything will fall into place. You just gotta keep doing the right thing everyday, keep your mind steadily turned towards where you want to be and see, and faithfully let the universe do what it was created to be: To take care of you.

 

End of day 12, 90 mins until DAY 13. Eskittit

 

About an hour from 2 weeks being completed! Feels great, now onto Day 15 <3

 

Day 16, locked in, we got this, yessir