Married man trying to find his sexual self

From what I understand the reason for me getting addicted to porn is likely my DPD (Dependent Personality Disorder). That means that I never developed an "independent" personality. I never learned essential skills, did not socialize much, was not involved in my parent's household, was never instructed to do specific things (simply "overprotected/neglected"). This led to my dependent personality disorder (meaning I do not know how to do basic things, how to live on my own, how to be responsible, how to take initiative to tackle a problem etc). I did not know it back then of course, but I think I turned to porn to escape that reality of being alone, incompetent, and inmature ("dependent"). Turning to porn meant feeling great and I watched more and more to repeat that feeling of happiness. I became addicted which in turn led to more problems (not knowing how to excite women, not having initative, being desensibilized, being passive, PIED, PE, etc etc). All those problems only made my addiction to porn even stronger since I tried to escape from that reality as well. That again led to my wife feeling the way she feels (not desired, insecure etc). It's a huge circle.

I realize all of that just now. It's not actually my porn being the core issue, it's just one of the consequences of my personality disorder.

 

Not rude at all, no worries. You guys just want to help. It's appreciated a lot!

We met online when she learned German and I learned Spanish. We fixed our homeworks/tasks and got to know each other. I then came over to Mexico to do a semester abroad and simply stayed. I was already addicted back then (but did not know that a porn addiction even existed; for me it was normal). She has not complained back then and we married a few years later. Frustration simply built up over time, but sex has always been like it is now. Hence why I have confidence in her and in her love towards me. She has spent so much time with me that there must be something else she loves about me. It's certainly not sex. In fact she would always say: "You're the best man I can imagine, it's just the sex that's missing".

 

Bad news everyone. As you know my wife was sexting with someone. But since one week she started sexting with her best friend from high school. I could not resist and read her messages with him. She found out. With no sex and no confidence she basically ended our relationship as partners. We will still move to Spain with our daughter and start a new life. We will still live together, but rather as mom/dad and roomie/friend and nothing else.

She says she cannot give me yet another chance just now. She needs time to start her new life and wants me to start again, too. New place, new job, new friends, new skills. I understand her, but I feel very empty and dissapointed about myself. Why did not I trust her when she said that she would never have sex with him? We had a deal where she would tell me when she meets someone. She was always there for me all those years and was always sincere and never lied to me. Meanwhile, I have hidden my addiction for so long, failed so many attempts. And now I did not have confidence in her although she supported me all that time and was always good to me.

I am lost. She is the love of my life and will always be. Maybe I will get another chance in the future, or maybe not. This is no longer about my addiction, but about my personality. I have a dependent-depressive personality which means I am basically obsessed about her. I did not give her the freedom she needed, but tried to control her and have her all for myself. I realize that now, but it is too late to make it unhappen. I am not sure if therapy will help. I am not sure where to start or what to do. I am nothing without her. In fact, it's only our daughter and a potential chance in the future of reconciliation that keeps me going. I cannot sleep, nor work, nor do anything. I feel like a zombie.

She says I am the love of her life, too. And she wants to be "friends forever" (the classic). I want that too, but I just cannot get her out of my head. She is part of me. She is part of my life. She (and our daughter) are all I have.

 

Thank you as always for your kind words.

I actually asked her several times about her sexting these guys. She always told me it's pure phantasy, nothing more. She actually told her best friend several times as well that it will always be just phantasy (he wanted more, but she did not). In other words: I ruined our relationship for pretty much nothing and feel terrible about it. It's like I developed phantasies about her phantasies. Feels bad. 10 years ruined in a few days.

As I said we decided we can stay good friends and live in the same place. In the end, nothing much changes. The only change is no sex (which was horrible and causing anxiety anyways) and that she will live her life the way she wants. This means she will find a job once we live in Spain and will go out as she pleases (with or without me) and see people as she likes (including sex partners). Again, I can't really blame her for any of this.

We will live together and offer our kid at least an image of a healthy family. In fact, nothing much changes for the kid. We all will be happier in the end. My wife can realize her dream of working in a company in marketing (something she enjoys), I have no sex pressure and anxiety and can heal and our kid lives in a better place with better perspectives.

I think it gives us all a much needed break. Also, I will be on my own at home and have the chance to do all the things I never did. Get a personal trainer and be consistent with the gym, learn how to cook, do the household chores. Short: I finally have the opportunity to grow up and show myself (and of course my daughter and wife) that I am not the dependent problematic teenager, but an actual man who can care for himself and his family.

My wife said she does not want a divorce (I don't want it either). In fact, we both agree that we still love each other and that it won't ever change. But we also agree we don't know the outcome of this. Will we find back together? Will we keep living together as friends for the sake of our daughter? Or will one of us fall in love with someone else and move out? No idea. Obviously I want to conquer her once more by being the best I can possibly be. But I can only do my part and not force her what to do or feel. And I don't want to apply pressure either. She needs time to heal and I need time to grow up and become mature.

 

Yes, there are/were a lot of issues. She fell in love with my over the internet. And in reality I just was not who she thought I was (sex-wise) since I was addicted to porn (without knowing back then that this was a thing). So basically we had no good sex for 10 years and she felt utterly frustrated all the time while staying with me, marrying me and having a kid with me. I attempted many times to get rid of this addiction and lied to her in the process. Now this show of disconfidence. Yes, it's definitely not the only issue, but a huge one. She always supported me, pardoned me, gave me yet another chance. But this time it was too much. And I get it.

Yes, we both have the same rules. All that matters at this point is that we are there for our kid. She can do whatever she wants, and I can do that too. In fact she would be happy for me to experiment with other women (because I can't experiment with her anymore, at least right now). There is no limit really and we want both of us to be happy and live our lives completely free. I can live with that. I don't mind her seeing others as long as they are decent people, safe, healthy and no weirdos etc.

Long-term I want to win her back of course. But that is nothing I can tackle right now.

No relapses. I have no interest whatsoever in porn nor sex. We still cuddle a bit (hugs at night in the bed next to our daughter) and give us little kisses and hugs throughout the day. Very gently ones, almost superficial. But I'll take it. Lots of crying involved of course (for both of us), but that is to be expected.

 

Thank you very much for reading it all and commenting. It's appreciated a lot! No need to feel rude. Every comment helps.

I got diagnosed with DPD (dependent personality disorder). It basically means I cannot live on my own and need someone to guide me, to do things for me, to take responsibilities for me. I think this is exactly what happens to me and why I put her on such a high pedestal. She literally is everything for me due to that disorder. Yes, I love her. But I also need her. I am obsessed with her. It's unhealthy for both of us. The hummingbird comparison is very fitting. She herself described it similarly when she said she felt like a bird with cut wings.

The same disorder means you try everything to save your relationship and can never say no. It's part of the disorder and part of our issue.

I know this is unhealthy. She knows it is. Yet we still love each other and want each other to be happy. She is not manipulating me. But we both know I crushed her with my obsession for her. We both know we need time for ourselves to heal, to develop further, to grow up. Even if it is just to create an image of a normal family to our small kid.

I feel like if she is starting to work 9-5, feel useful, productive, getting to know new people, and getting out of this obsession, she will definitely feel better and can grow back her wings. She will be fine as time goes on. As for me, I will still work over the internet, be at home, learn to do house chores myself, learn to cook and learn to be independent from her. It's the first step to my self-discovery, to feel useful, to show myself that I don't need her for everyday tasks. Our kid will be in kindergarden from 8-4 approximately and it will give me enough time to focus on my work, myself, learn new skills, go to the gym, make friends etc.

Basically I would only ever see her in the evening (eating together with our kid, bringing her to bed). She will still go to the gym in the evening hours I assume or go out. So I would really ever only see her at night, briefly in the morning and at the weekends when we can have good family time together.

I think it's worth a shot to see if it works out or not. We can always decide at a later stage what to do if it does not. We are still good friends and will always be. In fact we still love each other. I do definitely. And she does too, but she is just too crushed right now to see clearly. I hope with time and me growing up and overcoming my obsession (and addiction) she will indeed want to come back at one point in time. I hope so, as I love her endlessly (and this is not the obsession speaking, but my actual self).

After all those years of being crushed, she needs time for herself. And I need time as well to find my true self. She is 31, I am 32. But I feel like I am 16 mentally. Innocent, inmature, just not ready for life. Skill-wise, emotionally, as a father. And this needs to change. It all starts with having a life on our own (she living her life, I living mine) and see where it goes.

The idea is the same as you guys described. The only difference is we share the apartment and barely see each other apart from weekends or at night.

I actually like the idea as I can show herself with time how I am able to change. That I can do house chores, that I can do cook, that I do care for our daughter. That I can live on my own. That I can have my own friends. It's not about me becoming a slave for her while she enjoys her life. It's about me being able to learn these things for myself and my daughter. But sure, if she sees me changed, chances are higher she will want to come back to me and be more than just roomies or friends. So far the plan.

 

Thanks for the input guys. Keep it coming. Everything is welcome.

I understand your points and value them. But as I said I do want to at least give it a try. I'd rather try and fail than giving up already. Also I don't think she'll be able to have "multiple men" or "frequent sexual encounters". You have to see her current situation:

- no (good) sex for 10 years (no actual orgasm from human interaction)
- no work/income (feeling useless/dependent)
- no way of "escaping" home other than by taxi or asking me to drive her somewhere (she does not know how to drive)

Once she starts working in Spain and gets her own income, she will feel so much happier already that her need for sex (which is in her mind all the time as there is little else to do right now and here) will be somewhat in the background. I am not saying she will not feel this physical need, but it won't play as much of a role as it does now, simply because she will have lots of distraction with her professional career. She will work 9-5, will have her kid waiting at home and wants to go to the gym as well. At weekends we want valuable family time together. Sure, there will be escapes here and there. But they won't be all too frequent. And there won't be "many men". In fact, she needs to have somewhat of a relationship to any sexual partner (which requires lot of time). She won't just do it with any random men because it does not feel right for her. She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it. No question asked. But she also knows not to overdo it. Once she has found someone who she likes (sexually speaking), she will stick to him and get back to him to get "her dose of pleasure". I understand it's risky, but I don't see her starting a new life with that person. All she wants is sex to fill that need.

And even if she starts a new life with someone else or moves out/leaves me alone, I can always say "I tried". And I will keep working on myself regardless. What she does, thinks or feels is out of my hand. Easy as that. I have crushed her with my obsession for far too long. It's time to let go. Let her explore, live her life and see how she likes it. Chances are she enjoys herself, feels better about herself and becomes emotionally stable and fulfilled:

- she has a job/income (more independent, feeling useful)
- she will be able to walk/use public transport to go wherever she wants
- she will have casual sex to fulfill her needs

She literally told me she still loves me. I am the love of her life according to her. There are lots of feelings still. We have a daughter together. We start a new life together (as friends). She isn't someone who jumps from one place to another quickly. She said she knows where her heart is and that I am kept in it. Short: She will find someone to fulfill that need, but it won't be more than that. I am fine with it simply because I have no sex drive and I can't possibly deny her having a sex life. She literally wants me to "get experience" with other women and would be "thrilled" if I can pull that off.

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Side story: We were in the gym today and afterwards I said: "I feel like my shirt is getting too small. Looks like I am getting some muscles after all". She answered: "Yes, definitely more chest already." To which I said: "Imagine how it will be in a year if I go daily with a personal trainer. Too bad you won't enjoy it". She started to cry. I did not say it to put pressure on her or to make her cry (obviously not). I thought it was clear that we are "just friends". But to me it looks like she does have feelings for me still and that she does still want me (more than friends). Maybe not now, but in future. Maybe she told me "we're just friends" because she desperately wants me to change, to grow up and to work with myself, without actually meaning that "we're only friends" (so a bit like an ultimatum/threat/motivation). Or she cried because she realized it's actually over. I am not sure how to interpret that situation.

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EDIT: Regarding the obsession, my therapiest asked me to make a pie chart with the aspects of my life that are most important to me. I only had 3 items: wife, daughter, work. My wife was around 66-75% of the whole pie. Anything more than 50% is already very risky. My therapist compared it to diversifying investments ("not everything in one basket"). So basically my obsession for her comes from the fact that I simply have no other meaningful/important aspects in my life that I pursue. Yes, I have my daughter. I have work. But that's it. I need to find more meaning in life, something that fulfills me, something that distracts me, something that makes me more diverse other than being husband/father/worker.

I already said I will go to gym and will likely join a sports club. Apart from that I am interested in weekly expat reunions (or just meeting other people from all over the world here and there). I also think of volunteering in an animal shelter to make some meaningful changes (even if small) and feel better about myself. Any activity/hobby/contact/friend I add will make me more interesting, more secure, more independent.

 

Thanks for the input once more!

We have talked (again) yesterday after my therapy and basically we have made some sort of agreement of how everything will/should work. Let me try to summarize it. I understand it is not common practice and it may look odd to outsiders who don't know us, our situation, or our feelings and emotions. But as I said we both want the best for our kid, and for ourselves. We want to put ourselves and our daughter as top priority without interfering the other's life. I guess this is what some would call an "open relationship". Anyways, let me try to summarize:

"Living together, but not being together" advantages:
- I have no longer the sexual ansiety or pressure and can take all the time in the world to heal, to discover my sexuality and to do experiments with whoever I want
- I have the time and space for myself to develop skills, experiment with cooking, learn house chores, make friends, join a sports club, go to the gym daily, do voluntary work etc. with the goal to not only feel better about myself (more secure, more mature, more useful, more social, more attractive etc), but my life will also have more meaning if it's not just all about my wife, daughter and my work for who/which I live.
- My wife can lead the life she always envisioned (finding work, doing a career, climbing the career latter, making her own money, making her own circle of friends, enjoying her sexuality and body, learning new sexual experiences)
- Our kid lives in a safer spot with more perspectives in the future and more possibilities/activities/quality of life

- We agreed to equally share responsibilities in our lives (e.g. financially, time with our daughter, house chores and the like) so that neither of us feels exploited, dependent or left behind.
- We agreed to being "friends with romantic benefits" for now. Which basically means that nothing much will change of how we used to be. At home, we will keep watching movies and hug, we will sleep in the same bed and hug, we will give us good morning/night kisses etc. Short: We will allow our feelings for each other to show and to not surpress our affection to one another. We simply cannot give up on one another after 10 years. Important here is that it does not include any sexual intention or pressure. It's pure romanticism and affection that is limited to our home. In public, we will appear as "roomies/friends" (excluding family reunions or vacations in other places) with the goal to allow our open relationship to work (making new friends, seeing other people in a sexual context).
- We agreed further that we both need our time to heal (in our own ways). In my case, once I feel sexual desire, we agreed she will help me explore my sexuality. Both by being helpful and giving advice how to meet other women and how to feel/give pleasure to them, but also by being "available" should I not have a sexual partner (think "friends with sexual benefits"). She wants me to get sexually active and experienced and would be extremely happy if I can achieve that. In other words: She will help me become a man, sexually, but also by giving me the time and space to become independent from her and grow (skill-wise and mentally). In her case, I will stop being obsessed with her and what she does. I will let her find a job, make friends, see people, have sex, go out on her own. Simply put: I will let her breathe, spread her wings, and fly.
- We agreed that any sexual contacts will not be neighbors, mutual friends, work colleagues or other "close" people to avoid akward situations and gossip.
- We agreed that any sexual contact is nothing more but a sexual contact. We will see these encounters as "dates" (with the option of having sex). There will obviously emotions/feelings be involved (without feelings/emotions there just can't be (good) sex), but we understand we already have a family and we do not want to start a new family, rupture our family, destroy our agreement or distance each other more (for the sake of our daughter and our feelings for each other).
- We agreed further that we will share any experience of our lives (work, hobbies, worries, achievements, etc) with each other and continue to talk openly about everything. We don't want to interfere with each other's lives ("prohibit/limit/control"), but we do want to share our fears, worries, desires, dreams, achievements, advice, experiences, etc. We think it's a good and friendly path to reconnect little by little and rebuild what was lost. She defines it as "growing together" where we both have our own life and we both can do what is necessary to develop, explore and live the life we want, so that we both feel better about ourselves.

In a best case scenario, once we live meaningful und fulfilling lives, that helps us gradually rebuilding the missing trust and intimacy and seeing each other as grown and improved personalities, and probably as "partner in an open relationship". In a worst case scenario, we gave it a try, improved our personalities/lives and will never find back together, but will remain good friends and parents to our daughter. There is not much to lose anymore at this point.

We both feel very liberated. In my case, the pressure/anxiety is pretty much gone and I have time to focus on myself to heal, to grow, to learn, to develop. In her case, she is no longer crushed by my obsession, can free herself and live the life she wants and grow/develop/enjoy while always having a home, family and a good friend who she can return to. In the end, I think this is the purest form of love that can exist: Wanting the other to be happy and seeing him/her grow and not be stuck.

 

Yes, it's basically that. The only issue being I need to overcome the addiction first, have actual libido, and get some sexual experience somehow. Very long-term thinking, we might get back to being a "closed relationship" once I am sexually able and once trust has been restored. But I don't see that happen anytime soon (years probably, if at all).

The good news here is that we do still cuddle, give us kisses and the like. I gave her a massage as well and she also initiated a few kisses during the day which felt honest. It feels like she forgets sometimes that she said "we're just friends". I think with time (lots of time...) and her having a job and feeling fulfilled, the wounds can heal a lot better and we might establish trust more easily. Especially if she sees that I am keeping my promises of change, meet people, learn things and the like.

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Meanwhile, let me discuss another topic which had me sleepless today (or rather, wake up at 3AM and think about it endlessly). You know I said in the beginning that I fear being asexual. I realized that there were a few situations in my life where girls/women probably wanted more from me without me ever realizing it. Now I am asking myself if I am just way too innocent to recognize that in those situations or if I am simply not interested enough in seeing it and engaging any further. Let me give you a few examples.

When I was about 14-15 years old, a girl from my class would ask me to come over to help her in maths. So I grabbed the maths book, calculator and met her at her place. She was alone. No parents, no smaller brother. We had the house for ourselves. She would cook pasta, we would watch movies, but we would hardly do any maths. I enjoyed the day, but did not really see where it was leading to or what her intentions were. We spent hours there. No idea what we did (seriously can't remember), but it was a lot of time. I guess she wanted more.

A few years later (think when I was about age 20-21) I was studying and shared the apartment with another student (girl). She was about the same age as me. Again, I have no memory of how we got there, but it was only me who had a TV in my room and she probably said "let's watch something". Since I had no sofa, the bed it was. Time went on (probably days) and we would do that again and again. One day she would ask for a massage on her back which I gave her. She said it felt great (something my wife also says by the way), but I did not realize that she might have wanted more than a massage.

Am I just too innocent? Don't I understand signs? Or am I just not interested in engaging any further? My wife says women give "signals" when they want more (which can be a simple look and smile, for example in the gym). I'd never think: "Oh, that woman surely wants to get to know me and potentially have sex". It just does not cross my mind that way. I feel like I need some sort of air traffic control giving me direct instructions what to do where and when. Lack of experience? Lack of interest? Too much innocence? What do you think?

 

32 days. No relapse, no desire to watch anything. No desire for sex either. Irregular random erections when touching my wife, hugging or kissing. Nothing major though.

The issue I am always thinking about (and yes, I may be thinking too much) is that my wife will probably never get excited by me. Simply because she knows how I am after 10 years and we lost trust now on top of it. I have an appointment with the sexologist on 3rd February, but I am really curious what it is. Autism? Inexperience? Asexuality? Insecurity? Sexual incompatibility with my wife? A bit of all?

We get on well again. I have a few emotional moments now and then, but we are doing fine. We basically agreed on not being toxic anymore (both of us in our ways) and that we will basically stay together, live together, be parents for our daughter, and just try our best to live our own lives. I will let her do what she wants, I will learn to be independent and she will help me try to get sexual experience with other women. So a bit of a mix of best friends, roomies and couple. But you know that already. We'll see where it leads to. We both like the idea as it's really refreshing, liberating and very open-minded. We definitely opened up and our relationship is no longer as stiff as before and we can be whoever we want. Also the move to Spain (on Monday!) helps. Looking for apartments, furniture, jobs, kindergarden etc. feels like a huge adventure. It gets us together again and we escape our current situation (not the problems of course, but any change is welcome).

What I am worried about is that I will never feel sexual desire for anyone ever. I just can't imagine how that feels like.

 

Yes, I will continue with the same ones.

I did have erections when I was still watching porn. But I would have good and bad days. In either way, I would be coming in a few moments. So it's never been good anyways.

What I mean is that I am really worried that I will ever feel genuine desire. I have never felt it in my entire life. If you like, you could probably say my whole life has been a flat line.

 

I just found this page: https://basicideaz.com/symptoms-of-nofap-flatlines/

It says dopamine normalization can take up to 18 months and fully porn addiction recovery several years (depending on severity). In the same text he mentions "10-15 years" a couple of times which makes me think he speaks out of experience. If so, I am in for a ride. Not saying I am inpatient. Quite contrarily, finally I have some reference. Obviously I will see the sexologist (and also a porn addiction specialist once we are installed in Spain). I just want to understand what I am going through, what it is, and how the rcovery is like. I just can't imagine that I will ever feel any different. I felt like this my whole (teenage and adult) life.

 

I fucked it up, again. I was once more revising my wife's messages. I even tracked her google maps locations and uber trips to check on her if she told the truth. What sort of issues do I have? I hate myself for what I do. I am not sure how to stop behaving like that. I am ruining all that is left.