Memoires of 24-year-old that survived a suicide attempt

you_can_UK said:
I have read all your 5 pages of post today. Your journey sounds like a rollercoaster movie about a self-grown hardworking man. You are a hero figure now. But what I feel is there is always one thing in your life. There's always something or the other concerning when you post. Like either you are again into alcohol, or into smoking, or if you got over that, you are again into femdom, or if not that, you repent over love feeling from someone. And the cycle repeats. One things clear man, drugs, alcohol, and smoking had never led your betterment. I the best part is you have come over them a lot of times. Grow up you big brother. Whatever you go through in life, you don't need that pity dose of chemicals. Just be the father figure you wish for your future children. I know you are fukin strong and emotional. That's what your kids will be proud of. Think. Don't lose to chemical (solid, liquid or gaseous) abuses. You are a man. You always craved for a role model. Now be the role mode and you are done. Also would you help me a bit in this nofap by talking to me in inbox. Keep on soldier. And you posting you little mf. Lol
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Thanks brother! This sentence made my day: 'Just be the father figure you wish for your future children'. Also, my DM is open for you.
 
PrinceDaniel said:
I was reading ‘Beyond Order’ by Jordan Peterson the other day. It’s a great self-help book, and it’s actually a sequel on ’12 Rules for Life’. One of the rules/chapters is called ‘If old memories still upset you, write them down carefully and completely’. So that’s what I’ll do over here. First, I will give you guys a short summary of my life so far. After that, I’ll go into detail and write all my traumas and battle scars on this page whenever I feel like it.

So, I was born 24 years ago in a small town in the Netherlands. I grew up as an only child and I lived with my mom and dad. My parents divorced when I was 7 years old. Since then, my mom and I lived together and my dad moved out. One of my dad’s friends became my stepfather shortly afterwards, and he still lives with my mom. My dad has remarried too and got two kids with his new wife and I consider them as my little brothers. During my childhood I was a happy, creative, introverted and funny kid. But I was very obedient and a ‘good boy’. Although I liked being on my own, I was a social kid and had a lot of fun during my childhood.

When I got in high school, I got a lot of new friends. I became more extraverted and more rebellious. I had a lot of fun in high school; I kissed a girl for the first time, got my first real girlfriend, and I had sex for the first time. Unfortunately, I also developed a lot of bad habits during high school: smoking cigarettes, heavy drinking, smoking weed, eating junk food, procrastination, and the worst of them all: jerking off at foot-fetish-content. In my senior year they kicked me out, because of my behavior and my bad grades.

After high school, my bad habits became worse. I started drinking and smoking more and more, I started experimenting with hard drugs, and my innocent foot-fetish developed in a hardcore femdom-fetish. I jerked off to femdom, humiliation, forced bi, cuckold, slave/master and even gay content at least twice a day. Because of a lack of motivation, no work ethic, procrastination ,and having no direction in life I failed getting a degree twice. The drugs, the femdom content, low confidence, a depression and the letter that told me I got kicked out of school again, made me commit a horrible crime; at the age of 20, I committed suicide by taking pills and drinking booze.

Luckily, I puked all the pills out in my sleep and after staying in the hospital for the night, I could go home again. Still dealing with all my problems, I started working at my grandfather’s business. From there I slowly built myself up again. I started NoFap, eating healthy, lifting weights, watching self-help content on YouTube, running, and reading books. At the age of 22 I managed to get into college, by applying to a special program. I moved out to a student dorm in another city and started a bachelor in Business and Entrepreneurship.

Now, I am almost at the start of my third year. I quit smoking for 6 months now, I haven’t been drunk in months, reduced drug intake to a few times a year, and I’m fighting every day against PMO. My body and mind are in great shape, and I am healthier and happier than ever before. I even became a Christian last year. But it’s not completely happily ever after. I still have a lot of demons that I need to confront.

If you are interested in my story and my recovery, and want to know the details, please follow my page to keep you updated. I’ll go into specific memories of life. ‘If old memories still upset you, write them down carefully and completely’
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....bro...where you been I needed you haha...the same thing happened to me in school,college...it destroyed it....contemplated numerous things. But thank God i found nofap again last february and like I'm a little more than 2 months clean...I need some guidance though...yeah......
 
"You have to fight the ego every day. The ego is the most extraordinary part of us, because, when we think we’ve suppressed it and we’ve beaten it, it manifests itself into another form and another shape and starts to take you over again."

Yes. I have fallen. It’s not like I have failed myself once, and now I am trying to get my act together. No, for probably a year now I am not in the right place. Sometimes I come back to these chimeras, reading my struggles from when I was 24, 25, 26… now I am 27, and career wise I have never been higher, but mentally and even physically I am probably at my lowest.

Now let’s go back to the quote I started with "You have to fight the ego every day.”, and it is exactly what I failed to do. Let me elaborate: I fixed my testosterone levels, I fixed my low confidence, I worked to get my dream body, I destroyed my demons, and maybe I thought I had everything sorted out for the first time in my life. Every single morning I wake up with a strong purpose, I walk energized towards my dream job, I have a great social life, a good connection to my family, and almost every single week I achieve something I did not even think was possible.

But it is nothing but a mask; a part of myself I show to the world to convince myself I am going alright. But the reality is that I am nothing but a mere servant to the devil.

At night, or even when I go to the toilet at work, I go talk to girls on forums, dating apps, you name it. Back in high school I enjoyed ‘the hunt’; talking to girls to convince them to date me. And I must say I am quite good at it, but I do not do it out of love; it’s all lust. I am a monster; I manipulate a play with them like they once played with me. And the worst thing is, I love it. It’s so ridiculous watching me writing it down now, but that is exactly why I do it. The only thing that can beat evil is consciously independent thinking.

Career wise I am at an all time high, and looking forward it only is going to be better in the coming months. But everything comes with a cost. I cannot sleep at night; I fall asleep like a baby and wake up 3-4 hours later full of stress. Every morning my teeth hurt from grinding my teeth. To compensate, I drink coffee and do cold showers to give me the energy to perform at work, but it slowly starts to take its toll. My hair is thinning, and my ramparts are getting almost permanent.

The lack of sleep is driving me crazy, I smoke weed to help me sleep, but it only makes things worse. Because of the stress, I started smoking cigarettes again, and besides that I drink insane amounts of alcohol every weekend. This is not the ‘Work Hard, Play Hard’ mentally I always dreamed of.

Yesterday morning, I lay in bed. Hungover from the party the night before. My room stinks of the junk food I ate at night. My body is dirty from the 4-5 times I jerked off that morning. My phone is red hot from me texting girls, and watching vulgarity. And suddenly I realized, the devil had outwitted me once again, as he has done so many times.

And then I just thought: Do I carry a white flag? I spit on my life. Death in battle would be better for me than that I, defeated, survive. I came into this world covered in someone else's blood and screaming. I'm not afraid to leave it the same way. Fear no mf, but God. A perverse heart shall depart from me; I will know no evil. Let him come, I am ready for a fight.
 
Day 0: A man who cannot control himself, will be controlled by others.

Damn. Here we are again. After thinking I had beaten it, I now realize that everything I’ve done in the past to fight my addiction didn’t work. Four years ago, I came across this forum and started updating my progress in this thread.

Sometimes, I look at it and realize how far I’ve come. Four years ago, I didn’t even have the courage to leave the house to do groceries. Instead, I stayed inside doing drugs and watching porn. Now, I have a successful job that I absolutely love.

However, after working 50+ hours a week for a year, I decided to take a week off — a preventive burnout week. So, I took the train to my parents' place; they live in the countryside. Both my parents have full-time jobs, so during the day, I’m completely alone. Instead of doing what I planned (running, lifting, and sleeping well), I’ve spent most of the day on my laptop watching Femdom content, jerking off, and diving into BDSM-related stuff online, which I’ll come back to later. I did run twice and lifted once, but this is not what I intended. However, it opened my eyes; I am a slave to the devil, and I need to break free once again.

My discipline is gone. I realized that a few days ago. Firstly, I can’t control my compulsive behavior when it comes to my addiction. Secondly, the discipline I had in physical strength, speed, and endurance is gone. I’m weak-minded again, or at least not the beast I was two years ago.

If I don’t recover this time and beat my addiction, my life will be over. I’ll be the loser dad, or not even a dad — just a loser.

I’ll check in again tomorrow.
 
Day 0:

Last week, I tried to pull myself together, but I’ve completely failed. I'm a mess, and I’ve honestly never felt this low before. I thought I had beaten my addiction, but now it’s only gotten worse. It’s become a compulsive routine—every evening after work, I end up watching porn, scrolling through dating sites, and the worst part, which I feel deeply ashamed of, is creating AI-generated fantasy porn.

I write out vulgar fantasies and make AI images to match them, crafting them to be exactly what I want. For the last 48 hours, I’ve been shut in my room, and I’ve reached the point where I’ve acted on these urges seven times. The compulsive force just drives me, and I’m so completely fed up with myself.

Even my Instagram feed is full of soft porn: women showing off their feet, Femdom reels, even gay foot content. I’ve spent the last half-hour trying to report this content to clean my feed, but it keeps coming back. I can’t even bring myself to delete the app from my phone. I keep wondering if there’s something that actually wants me this way—weak, vulnerable, alone. It’s maddening.

I’ve deleted all the dating apps and hookup sites, cleared my history, and removed everything that might trigger me. I need to stop. My first goal is to get my life back in order, starting with cleaning my room and taking a freezing cold shower because right now, I feel filthy.

Here’s to hoping I make it through tomorrow.
 
Day 1:

I made it through Day 0 and Day 1. Worked a full day from 8 to 6, went to the gym afterward, cleaned up my place, and had a good meal. I did feel some urges, but I’ve kept them under control.

On to Day 2.
 
Day 2:

Started the day with a run, then work, hit the gym, and had dinner. Tonight is Champions League, and no urges today. Just focusing on moving forward.
 
Day 3:

Feeling a bit moody today — probably because of the lack of sunlight. It’s dark when I get to the office and dark when I leave. I’m also dealing with a lot of urges, but I think I can handle it. Tried meditating this morning for the first time in a while, which helped a bit.

Last night, I watched the Champions League with my roommate. During halftime, he was on a call, and I felt the urge to relapse, but I read some Bible verses to get through it. Tonight, I hope my friends will join me to hang out; otherwise, I’ll need to keep myself focused because boredom seems to be a trigger for me. Maybe I need to work on practicing being okay with doing nothing — resisting the urge in those quiet moments.
 
Day 4:

Things are going well. Worked, hit the gym, and had a nice dinner with two friends while watching some football. The devil tries to test me now and then, but so far, I’m resisting.

Tomorrow will be a challenge — after work, a few colleagues and I are going to visit an old colleague for drinks and dinner, so no update from me then. Saturday will be the real test. I’m off work, and the combination of being free and possibly hungover has often led to relapses. My plan is to drink a lot of water tomorrow and make sure I have something lined up to do on Saturday. I’m ready for this test; let the devil try.
 
Day 7:

We made it! Yesterday was rough — I was hungover, and the temptation was constant. But I didn’t distract myself or rely on anything external to stop the urges; I resisted them with my mind. Today is all about self-care: cleaning my room, hitting the gym, maybe doing some cardio, reading, and wrapping up a few projects. God bless.
 
Hi man, just came across your post - I am glad to have found it, and that I could relate to someone so much. I am in a very, very similar situation myself, in the sense of being heavily addicted to femdom porn. Check out my only post here if you want to have a look, I will be posting an update soon too. My heart is with you and I am buzzing to see you are doing well. All the best and looking forward to checking your journey!
 
Day 14:

Yesterday was the biggest challenge so far in my journey to desexualize my brain and regain the ability to function in society. But we made it: Day 14. From experience, I know this is where the real challenge begins. In the past, I’ve often relapsed after 14 days because 14 days felt like such a huge achievement.

I feel the urge to download a dating app again, but honestly, I need to keep focusing on myself before I even think about dating. My priority right now is securing a new apartment, and until I accomplish that, dating can wait. Onward.
 
Day 18: "As I say my prayer more, my enemy will lose the war."

For the past few days, the devil has tried to attack me during the day. Normally, these attacks come when I’m alone in my room. But recently, especially today, dark thoughts have entered my mind even in public spaces. Earlier at the gym, they came so quickly—like an ambush.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

Memories of people I encountered in the past year, tied to my unhealthy indulgence in femdom and BDSM behavior, have resurfaced. Now, as I’ve just finished dinner and my roommate is studying in his room, I remind myself: I only need to get through a few more hours, and then I’ll have conquered another day.

"Remember the days you prayed for the things you have right now."

Everything in my life has been going so smoothly since I got back on track. I’ve been nominated for a prestigious award in my field, I received a promotion, and I’m stronger in the gym than I’ve been in years. My energy feels more positive and grounded. At work, my meetings are going better than ever—my voice is more confident, I’m not making mistakes, and even clients I once struggled with now seem to hang on my every word. I’m so much more focused, and I no longer forget important details.

"Success is born out of arrogance, but greatness comes from humility."

Pride comes before a fall. The last time my life felt this good was just over two years ago—you can read about it earlier in this thread. Back then, everything seemed perfect, but the devil tested me once again, disguised as a girl. She broke me, and looking back, that moment marked the beginning of a downward spiral. The only part of my life that didn’t collapse was my career—I channeled all my energy into achieving professional success.

Now, I’m entering unknown territory again. I know I thrive when I’m at my lowest; I’ve been there before, and I’m confident in my ability to claw my way out of hell. But this time, I need to learn how to walk steadily on earth—and to reach for the sky.
 
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Day 47:
It's been 47 days since I last engaged with femdom content. Career-wise, I'm soaring higher than ever before. But inside, I'm fighting a different kind of battle – one that feels more challenging than any I've faced before. My libido has completely flatlined, and when I do experience arousal, it's still tied to the old patterns that I'm trying to break free from. Getting a full erection feels almost impossible unless my mind wanders to femdom or feet.

I've realized something important: just abstaining isn't enough. The neural pathways I've created over years of conditioning won't rewire themselves through willpower alone. I need professional help – cognitive behavioral therapy seems like the next logical step. It's humbling to admit this, but I've fought too hard and come too far to let pride stand in the way of true healing.

Dating isn't an option right now, and that's okay. I need to focus on becoming whole before I can be a proper partner to someone else. But I also know I can't hide from relationships forever. The next few months need to be about preparing myself to enter the dating world as a healthy, functional man – not the broken person I sometimes feel like.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be "normal," if I'll ever experience attraction and arousal the way other men do. But then I remember everything else I've overcome: the drugs, the depression, the suicide attempt. If I could rise from those ashes, I can rise from this too.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

The journey continues. One day at a time.
 
This is the most long span journal which i've ever read and it is still ongoing. Most journal here last a few weeks to a months and the account disappear, my best guess is that most of them finally given in to addiction because of the meagerness of success stories and the frequency of their replase.

I read it as if I'm on this adventure with you. When i saw you relapse after almost 3 years of progress I feel devastated as if I relapsed myself. (i'm only at day 17, longest run was last year for 5 months).

I pray that you find fortitude and overcome porn and femdom. And wish you find love and fulfillment.
 
Day 75:

It’s been a while since my last update, but I’m doing well. I’m on Day 75 without PMO, and I can feel the energy that comes with NoFap building up inside me. In the past, I’d always channel this energy into work—working longer, pushing harder.

However, I’ve been doing that for two years now, and I’m starting to feel the stress catch up with me during the day. My sleep has been poor for quite some time, and I know how crucial proper rest is for my health. I need to figure out a better balance moving forward.
 
Late Night Thoughts:

Sometimes I sit here, staring at the ceiling, and wonder where it’s all heading. I’m almost 28, and yet there are nights I can’t even fend off the devil himself. It’s not just me I’m worried about. My little brothers—one’s 15, the other 12—they’re growing up in a world so much darker than the one I knew. Sure, I had porn at their age, but this AI phenomenon? It’s spiraling out of control.

I’ve wrestled with it myself—using AI like ChatGPT to craft erotica. Let me tell you, it’s worse than porn. So much worse. The stories, the characters—they’re tailored to your deepest, most shameful desires. It doesn’t just scratch the surface; it reaches into the core of your psyche, exploiting every hidden thought. And then there are these AI girlfriends, practically the same thing, if not worse. They’re designed to make you godless, sexless, weak, isolated, dependent. Fight it. Resist it. Because if you don’t, who will?

But here’s the question that gnaws at me: Can it all really be the devil? If it is, then he must be everywhere. In the schools, the churches, the government. And then I remembered this quote:

"I am the negative portion of the atom. I am the explosive force in both the atom and the human mind. I am the negative side of the electron, the uncertainty of the human mind, the lack of definiteness of purpose, the fear of failure, and the discourager of hope and faith. I am in every human being."

The devil isn’t just an external force; he’s internal too. He’s doubt, fear, temptation—the shadows that lurk in everyone’s mind. And yet, if he’s in all of us, so is the alternative. God. Faith. Hope. Purpose. The duality is always present, and the battle is ours to fight.

Then there’s another quote:

"I control 98% of the people in the world. I control all who are drifters."

That hit me like a gut punch. If 98% of the world is under his control, who are the remaining 2%? More importantly, how do you move from the 98% to the 2%—whether you’re 28, 15, or 50?

The 2% are the non-drifters. The ones who wake up with purpose, who refuse to be swayed by fear, doubt, or meaningless distractions. They don’t scroll endlessly, they don’t give in to cheap temptations, and they don’t lose themselves in the noise. They live with intent. They think for themselves. They stay disciplined.

It’s not about age; it’s about mindset. It’s about cultivating a definitive purpose, creating daily habits that align with it, and fighting back against the forces—both internal and external—that try to pull you away.

"I start my control over people by confusing their minds. I plant the seeds of negative thoughts in their minds, creating doubt, fear, and indecision. When I move in, I do so by appealing to people through temptation, and once I take charge, they seldom regain control."

The devil preys on the young. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, a broken education system that trains conformity instead of critical thought—it’s all designed to create drifters. Add the constant barrage of entertainment, social media, and distractions, and you’ve got a perfect storm.

But the choice is ours. Drift or fight. Be part of the 98%, or claw your way into the 2%. The devil wins when you lose focus. So don’t lose it. Not now. Not ever.
 
Day 81:

Identity is a fragile thing. I stare at my reflection and barely recognize the shell of who I once was. The pressure builds inside me like a fault line ready to rupture, each crack a reminder of my own betrayal against myself.

The irony is suffocating. Back when I needed stress to drag myself out of that drug-hazed Netflix purgatory, I sought peace through meditation and prayer. Now that my mind races with toxic thoughts from this soul-crushing job, I can't find my way back to that stillness.

I'm trapped between phases of existence: Build versus Balance. The philosophy seems so clear - Build first (the physique, the career, the status symbols), then Balance (inner peace, purpose, healing). But I'm suspended in this liminal space, achievements both impressive and insufficient. Looking back at my growth feels like watching someone else's life.

My insecurities gnaw at me like hungry rats. This broad face, inherited from my father's line, made broader still by years of iron worship. My height - 175cm, a constant reminder of falling short in this land of giants. But it's the deeper wounds that truly fester.

The poison of femdom content has corrupted my very essence as a man. My libido is a twisted thing now, responding only to that which destroys my self-worth. I wonder if I can ever reclaim my sexual identity, if I'm even worthy of trying.

And here I am, 27, living in what amounts to a glorified student cave because of this godforsaken housing crisis. Who could want someone like me? A man-child playing at success while drowning in his own inadequacies.

What a pathetic specimen I've become.
 
Day 83:

Spiritual warfare isn't pretty. "Be sober-minded, be alert. Your adversary prowls like a lion, hunting for souls to destroy."

The tests are getting more obvious.

Walking to the gym, caught some weird energy from a house - just brushed it off. Inside was where the real circus started: A hot girl throwing looks my way, some girl working out in just socks, and another one doing the most obvious ass flex right in front of me. Classic setup, trying to mess with my head.

But every time, just: Nope. Not today. Each rejection feels cleaner than the last. What's wild is how these temptations are actually making me stronger. Every "no" builds that resistance, turns these tests into training.

Come at me, adversary. I'll turn your temptations into weapons against you.

Until you break.
 
Day 88: "Every habit that weakens willpower craves companionship."

Two days remain. Two days without indulgence, without surrender—no porn, no masturbation, no release.

Last night, something reached for me. A presence, old as sin and just as familiar. Usually, these attacks come when I’m alone—whispers in the silence, shadows pooling at my feet. But this time, it struck in company.

A Friday night like any other. A few drinks after work, then dinner with my best friend. Laughter, ease—until the shift. We were watching some film, when the screen flickered with an image of a girl getting an abortion. A slow sickness crawled into my bones. My body turned traitor, trembling, seizing as if seized in return. It felt like fever—like something foreign, something unwanted, trying to take root in me. I lay there, rigid, shaking, while my friend sat oblivious on the other couch. It lasted minutes, maybe less. Long enough to terrify.

Why? Why now? Why this way? The question gnawed at me all day.

A few drinks, a few cigarettes, a joint. It hit me then—every habit that weakens willpower craves companionship.

I let my guard slip for a night, and something slithered through the crack. When I lose control, I drift, and when I drift, I invite ruin. These vices dilute the mind, soften the defenses, make me easy prey. The antidote? Discipline. Purpose. Ritual. The quiet, persistent art of self-mastery.

Tonight, I had plans. A dinner with friends, more drinks, the usual spiral of “see what happens.” Part of me wanted to refuse—to stay in, but for what? Isolation is not salvation. I am not seeking sainthood. I do not aspire to robes and riddles of the ascetic.

The devil does not retreat simply because I stay inside. He waits. He lingers. He hunts.

So I made a choice. I centered myself. Meditated. Wore my cross. Hit the gym. I will take care of myself for a few more hours before I step back into the night. But this time, I will be ready.
 
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