Mindsets about relationships

I never thought i would be writing in this section again but here we are.

This time i want to talk about a couple things i both realized recently and really need to get off my chest. It concerns relationships and the way to get to them.

I haven't been particularly succesful when it comes to romance issues, throughout my life, i also never quite learned how to handle these kind of situations, however over time i learned this is something which does not require too much thinking, just interact, be confident, be yourself and the rest will follow.

This topic has been however something i have really struggled with during my entire life, and something i've grown in through painful experiences. As someone with asperger's syndrome the fight has been real here, it's been really tough, however pity is not what i want and it's the last thing i need.

I've only had one girlfriend during my entire life, it was a long distance one and we both lived in different countries. It lasted for two years and two months. That was by far the happiest period of my life, however in the end it did not work out and we broke up, though in good terms. This person became my everything, and a very deep emotional bond was established. The problem from my side came from the fact i came to be more attached than i should have. I lacked self-love and allowed her to step on me for a time when she was depressed and unsure if our relationship should or would continue in hopes i would not lose her and that it would come to pass. Said period passed, but the breakup happened anyway. I'll say that again, i never did tell her i hated how she treated me during that time just so i wouldn't lose her.

I will admit it, the fact she accepted me and did not judge me and even more when i told her about my Aspergers and did not mind was the catalyst for me being head over heels and getting attached, and thus idealizing said bond to the point of obsession, believing it was a one in a lifetime thing. The breakup was hard for me to overcome but it happened. This happened six years ago.

Since then i haven't gotten into another relationship, for a long time i really wanted to get into one with somebody who this time was close, but came across a series of obstacles which all had to do with my insecurity. Over time, and mostly after a year of starting Nofap, many of these things have been overcome and as of right now am more worried of improving my life and finding things im passionate about.

So why did i mention my ex and made this post? Well my therapist mentioned something to me which has really hit me and has given me something to work on, and it's the fact i idealized the bond with the one who was my girlfriend even now, the one who i viewed as some sort of savior and someone who i relied on after so many failures and being hurt.

In the present time, there have been improvements. I won't deny that. Rejection is something i personally stopped caring about, it being a logical possibility when going for someone, it's not the end of the world. The last time i talked to a girl i was interested in i made a move and found out for myself in the end her looks weren't worth it, the grade of affinity was zero but that's fine at least i got to find out for myself rather than remaining with doubt.

However and i would like your thoughts on this. What is the missing piece here? I know i've achieved things, and improved after working hard and now i've prioritized investing time in things im passionate about. But i still feel there's something off, for the time being i know i may be unconsciously idealizing the bond i had and using it as a comparison measure. I also have to mention girls tend to not approach me and tend to be afraid to do so, i am very reserved and don't tend to smile very often, especially around strangers.

 

It is indeed as you said, said attachment took most of my time back them to the point pretty much nothing else mattered to me, including my studies. I was even eager to just leave home and everything behind so i could be with her, that's how bad it got. She became my everything, literally. I grew attached and obsessed with maintaining that bond. When we broke up, i gave up on maintaining something which was already done for and in the end only wished for her to be happy. I got over her a long time ago, but the idealization of the bond and all that came with it remain in some way unconsciously. The fact i never had a girlfriend before her and i was 20 years old with a low self esteem may have had a lot to do.

Also i need to mention my mother is the one person i've been the closest to from my family during my entire life.

Regarding what my therapist said, what she said is that basically the source of the behaviour would be the fact the emotional bond i had was so strong i unconsciously have doubts i'll ever obtain it again in real life, namely finding somebody who is going to accept me without judging what i am. Which is accentuated because a lot of the discrimination and bullying i endured in my younger years came from this area. But then again, i do not intend to victimize myself, that would be degrading to myself.

Recalling all this and talking it out with my therapist made me reevaluate and think over a number of things. Keep working on self-love and obtaining more character to say when i don't like how i'm being treated would be some of them.