More than Four Years Ago, I Vowed to Quit, and Still Completely Addicted

I managed to give up alcohol, tobacco, drugs, but porn is by far the main addiction I've not been able to stop.

I said I would stop watching porn New Years Eve 2014.

I've seen counsellors, therapists, life coaches, sex therapists in this journey to become the man I want to become. I did make some great leaps a few years ago. But yeah now, I'm just totally stuck.

I find myself regularly talking to samaritans or some charity of the equivalent.

I find myself too easily getting upset. Emotionally disturbed. It's something to do with realising that I probably won't be able to achieve a fraction of the goals which I set myself.

I find myself paralysed by my money situation. Getting minimal work. And the work I do get, I find myself getting fucked over by my employers from money they owe me. Seeing my savings dwindling, month after month. Completely unable to stand on my own two feet.

I have desires to have a great and fulfilled dating life sharing intimacy and intense pleasure. The problem is that the women I'm attracted to I seldom feel good enough. And we live in a world where it's the men who have to be prime movers in dating dynamics. I've had people advise me to lower my standards. No, I don't need to do that. I just need to be kind to myself and stop getting in my own way.

These two factors, plus quite a high sex drive mean I keep falling back into pornography. I mean, I am training and eating quite a lot, putting on muscle, and eating a healthy diet with food great for testosterone. I don't want to say any triggering stuff in this post. But yeah the high it gives is just unreal.

I don't have to endure messages of being told "I'm good enough" with porn. From shit jobs, to being friendzoned by girls, to not getting enough money to live more than a basic life. Porn allows to the escape from reality.

And yeah, what can I say. It feels like my brain is so ADDICTED to it. I find myself thinking "well too broke to meet women, meet as well watch porn." "well, no woman is going to want to know me because I can't afford shit, might as well watch porn" "Well I gotta sleep, it's 2am and I'm wide awake. I gotta watch porn and hopefully will fall asleep."

There you go. I thought I'd post this here. Maybe I'll come back and use this website.