My Diary - Lets Try this

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Space-Cadet, Jul 31, 2018.

  1. Space-Cadet

    Space-Cadet Fapstronaut

    The start of the unknown.
    Not the way I thought it would start, and to be honest I never planned on starting.
    I loved it too much, P was so easy and only a few clicks away. It gave me excitement and I was hooked from as young as I can remember. As the years went on it only got worse, I went from a handful of videos a day to saving 1000’s of pictures within the blink of an eye. I was saving more than I could ever ‘use’. Sending emails to myself (not to be caught) with links of anything from online P to instagrams and everything in between. It was so bad that if only 2 or 3 days went by and you asked who was in the emails or names, I couldn’t tell you, I was saving too much to remember. To be honest, I didn’t revisit the links due to the fact that I was too busy saving more.

    Fast forward to this week and my girlfriend has caught me for the 5th time (Only God knows why she hasn’t left me already). She’s amazing and I love her to bits, I cried every time she went to leave but when all was settled and I was alone and bored, it creeped into my life again, I just couldn’t help it. I wanted to eat my cake and have it too. I have never had someone this supportive yet so unjudging towards myself. She has totally changed since I have admitted my problem and it was herself that has made massive changes in my life.

    Not only has she guided me to this website but I have also let her go through my phone, computer and iPad, to help me in this process. I deleted everything from the computer and to be fair I’m never really on it. My iPad she went though it in tears, I felt so exposed and dirty when she scrolled through almost 1,200 pictures asking why she isn’t good enough. Christ that killed me, she is stunning and hopefully my last girlfriend. It isn’t the fact that she isn’t good enough, I would’ve still has this addiction with anyone. My iPad, we cleared from any temptations, models and cam girls deleted from Instagram and snapchat and for once everything was ‘clean’. As well as this, I installed a program called Ever Accountable on my computer and phone. My IPad has been locked down by herself with passwords.

    Day number one, I go out shopping for her birthday, and I have mixed feelings about everything, I feel like a camera is on my every move and every single thing I look at, she is too, however I somehow feel addiction free. I have dragged my girlfriend down to the point she has lost all confidence and doesn’t even want to look at herself in the mirror, how could I do this to her? To anyone? The feeling is making me so sick and disgusted in myself and I’m making that drive my inner strength to quit and prove to her and to myself that I can do this, better yet, to build her confidence up to more than I can imagine. Anyway I go shopping and enter her favourite store, Ann Summers, now I feel how hard this is going to be. Sexy underwear everywhere, models in cute lingerie and all I want to do is go home and google them all. I stand there with 2 sets in my hand to purchase and that’s when a girl comes over to serve me, breaking my thoughts. I am trying hard to ignore all of this and then she asks if I want any toys, and that they are half price, ohhh this is going to be harder than I thought. I decline and just concentrate on leaving and where I am going to next.

    If I am busy I can easily go a day without P, however it’s the days I am not busy and this right here is a plan of mine to last these 30 days. Later that day I go home to the computer to order the remaining presents from online. This is the hardest part, this is where I am most of the times I look up P. This is my humble, dirty abode. However I keep myself in the right mindset and think of the presents. I did have a major moment where, when browsing secret sales for a tshirt for my brother, I seen a female in her bra, ohhh how easy it would be to knock a quick one out, however I turn the music up and quickly hit the next page button, I need to break that focus. For once I am actually very productive, all presents ordered from 3 different websites for her and I even have time to order my brothers before setting off to her house again. In the past I would’ve ordered maybe 2 presents, got distracted and then felt like I have been so unproductive, but not today, this is the first time I have felt good about this, maybe indirectly but still good. I go back to her house for the rest of the night and that sees the end of day one.

    I apologise if I haven’t used acronyms where I should have, please inform me and I’ll change this.

    Bring on Day Two.
    Trappist likes this.
  2. Space-Cadet

    Space-Cadet Fapstronaut

    Day Two of this 30 day challenge, this week has been a rollercoaster of emotions.

    Day two I was at a dog show all day, yeah that helped a lot, being out of the house definitely helped. My girlfriend started acting funny that day, she wasn't eating right and thought she wasn't good enough, how far from the truth is she, but she's not believing a word that I say. It hurts, a lot. Yeah punish yourself if it's your fault but do not start with poor eating habits just because of my pathetic obsession. How could I bring this on to someone so beautiful, I feel so so disgusting and almost at breaking point. Not to go back but how far this has spiraled out of control. We go home that night and again argue about my habits and how she doesn't trust me, this old repeating record is starting to take it's toll :(.

    Day Three - I go to work as usual and again she is monitoring every single thing that I do, I ask her if she is checking everything or just the "This needs attention" alerts. She admits its everything she is checking up on. To be totally honest, I have been doing this for too long, I know what I'm doing when it comes to computers and yes I could still easily, a few ways actually get hold of P. But its not about that, you stop the source, not shut it down when it pops up. I don't want some one with a degree to come in and shut it down, I want to refrain myself. How? By changing my train of thought completely, my making myself not want to touch it and showing myself, look how good you can be. I know I am stronger than her mentally, I'm used to it. This night we get 'close' and it was a very enjoyable night, however moments later she regrets it and says it was too soon. These mixed feeling and emotion are really starting to piss me off and get under my skin a little. It's a yes or no, not yes and then no.

    Day Four - This one was a hard one. It starts by little petty arguments, she then goes onto asking if I have ever M to anyone of our friends. She even says she has a right to know even though we werent a couple back then. This is very very frustrating, it now seems a little touch of 'power hungry' yeah she has to know about the relationship but now she is asking about stuff before the relationship, that isn't cool. It seems like I am being punished for things I was free to do when I was single. No one is allowed to hold me accountable for any actions when they were even in my life. I start work in a shitty mood. I feel like telling her to cancel it all, give me back my freedom and passwords and everything. I'm more pissed off than anything. However at work I start to realise, how much I have grown in confidence. Sometimes you could have a little cheeky look here and there but not me, not this new me, this new me doesn't need that. This new me is thinking all about himself, how much better can I become, what am I going to do at the gym that night, it's a good good feeling. I feel like I can talk to people without thinking, I've just done something dirty and shameful last night, I'm as clean as a whistle and have a new wave of confidence. However I can't help thing, that yes I am doing good on one side, but how is my girlfriend coping. How low is she feeling? Or maybe, if I complete these 30 days, will that boost her confidence? Will she get better? I'm honestly scared for her.

    I come home from work and start the computer up, my only intentions are to write this post because I feel like it helps me a lot and listen to music. However after a phone call from the girlfriend wanting myself to delete Instagram and Snapchat even thought she cleaned them up not too long ago is again what I'm calling power hungry. I honestly feel that she has took this a step too far. Yes monitor me, yes delete all the P I own, but no not disconnect me from the world, that will send me over the edge to cancel everything. Being pissed off at myself is enough, let me go mad at myself and let me tear myself apart and learn on my own, don't bombard me with stupid requests, and never ending moaning.

    The biggest thing I'm scared of is the complaining will send me over the edge. I can only take so much and if it continues then peace and quiet will triumph and I'll end up going my own way. I can do this on my own, with no complaining, but I do love her to bits. The best way I can get on with this is for the little temptation to be there and me to know myself to turn it down and give it the big FU. Otherwise if one day all is reversed and I get access to everything the temptation will be back because its something that I never had and now I do, however if I do this my way I can say, I always had access and I could've seen it or had access but you know what, I have just proved to myself that I don't, screw it all. There was temptation on Instagram, yes models - don't need it! Temptation on Snapchat - Big wow, who cares! I come home to music videos starting models, am I tempted? Yeah a little. What am I going to do? Them gym. Yeah the models are there and I would've jumped in the past but now, nah I'm thinking of the gym. This is the way I deal with it, this is how I make a life change. This is the New Me!
  3. Understand your struggles. You are doing great. I hope that you can both work through this together.
  4. Space-Cadet

    Space-Cadet Fapstronaut

    Update 3.

    I feel like writing these posts last thing in the day, when all is said and done, help me to write clearer and also reflect some more about the days before. The last post I wrote nasty thing and I can admit they were all in frustration. The past few days have almost been urge free. I don't know why, nor can I explain it. It actually sounds like this NoFap stuff is working. It's a lifestyle change.

    I'm feeling the stress of it a little, and how much my PA has affected everything. I thought I was doing well by going onto social media apps and not having urges or even caring at times, I thought this made me, not only better than before but a changed man, a level above. I used these apps to pass the time nothing more, it's all tracked anyway and I agree, it gives her a piece of mind. It's a good thing, not only does it give her piece of mind but it proves (maybe just a little) that I've changed. However I was not doing the right thing, she now wants the apps deleted. It seems like my honesty doesn't count for much, nor does the Ever Accountable app that means she can check up on everything. I'm not allowed to use the computer or apps when she isn't there and this is a little frustrating if I'm being honest, all is tracked and it's still not enough. I don't know how to gain her trust back if she can't trust me on anything. However I love her, so if that is what she wants, okay.

    Today was hard, we have argued everyday and it's been hours long. To be honest it's just tearing me down a little, however I think there was a bit of a 'challenge/breakthrough' today. When we had big, big arguments in the past and we both went our separate ways (Not splitting up, just to cool down) to each others house that's when the urge would sky rocket. When I was pissed off at her, this is the time I would have the biggest urges and sit on it for hours, why? I can only explain it, like when a smoker goes for a fag to calm themselves down, after a big fight I would be selfish and in a way, use this to calm me. Anyway I came back to my own house and said I was going to the gym. Right enough, from the conversation earlier, I didn't go on snapchat, nor instagram and neither did I turn on the computer, the urge was there, don't get me wrong, but it was like ten times less powerful than usual. It was so small actually, tied in with the fact that I have a good mindset about all this, that I opened the ipad for one workout video (Yes, slightly to take my mind off of it) and off I went to the gym.

    I lost it today and went off on a rant. I feel trapped, if I'm not at work I'm in her house with her, if I want to go home for anything (Her b-day is soon) I need to make sure she is there since she doesn't trust me on my own. I have everything tracked, yes I agreed to it and I still do for her piece of mind, however I can't help the fact that I don't have space, this tied in with that fact we spend every minute together took its toll today. I snapped, and went to the gym, I needed to be alone and better yet, a place that I love. Not going to lie it was amazing having my own time, I love her to bits and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I feel that everyone needs their little space and time apart to do what they need to do. I didn't take the piss today and do anything else, I said gym and went there, and it was great, actually made me miss it a little (I know, sad life :p). However I feel like that little space is what was needed today. I can't help but feel selfish but whats 1 hour a day to do something that I love and when I'm back I give her all of my efforts, she gave me time, I give her time.

    On a side note, I can't help but think if the comment my gf made a few days ago and said that I have an addictive personality. The more I think about it, the more I agree. When I get addicted to something, that becomes my main goal/priority, everything else dropped and the full focus on that subject. Thinking about it, I've seen this myself, with side hobbies, I've had a few in the past which I have really gotten into, but only to be left aside for the next thing to dive into, and at one point this was P. Anyway, not much thought going this way and it certainly isn't an excuse.

    Over the next few days I ma going to try and listen to my gf more, listen to her problems more, and try to understand all the pain, it's the least I owe her. She is starting to think that I only want her around as an emotional support or friend at this difficult time, however that is not the case, I feel strong and in the correct mindset, however I don't know how to convince her that this is not the case. Hoping the next few days goes well.
  5. Listening is a HUGE part of it and you have to be able to really hear what she is saying. Best wishes for you both.
  6. Space-Cadet

    Space-Cadet Fapstronaut

    I relapsed yesterday. Hard to write and even harder to deal with. I had it in my mind that this was so easy to do, no urges and that I was going to conquer this first time, boy was I wrong.

    We had a great morning and a breakthrough with everything that is going on in the bedroom and the issues. Later that afternoon I made a few jokes which were only to be laughed at but it was too close to the bone and it was about the P. And we fell out. I don’t blame her for being mad at me and within the hour we had made up, a morning of total mixed emotions. She left to get ready for our date night and I was left to get ready myself. She takes ages to get ready so I know I have time to kill, this started by turning on the play station to kill a bit of time, then I jumped onto the iPad and seen that she was browsing the daily mail. The site is full of celebrities and models and what they’re all doing, bikini and lingerie photo shots and I could help myself. It was less that a minute before I started to realise that i was hurting her again and that I was doing so well. Why am I wasting it now? After all these thoughts running through my head, I stopped, however the damage was done. I felt so ashamed of myself and so dirty, who even does that? Why have I only lasted a week?

    I told her the next morning after we went out and had a lovely meal, I thought about telling her during it but she seemed so happy that’s i changed the subject and left it till the next morning. I felt total worthless, I felt so low, so worthless, so disappointed in myself. She threatened to tell my parents about my PA, I begged her not to. She was going to tell my parents that their 23 year old has a PA and then break up with me and leave me in the awkward situation of never being able to look them in the eye, while she goes her own way and calls quits on it all, I don’t think that is fair.

    She picked me up from work with all of my clothes in bags, threatening again to spill all to my parents. After hours of begging, she says she won’t tell them. We finally settle down and get dinner. I tell her that she can put a lock on everything, and I only get access to electronic devices when she’s is present, that’s not what she has asked, that’s what I have presented. After a long day, we finally settle down for the night, she feels totally worthless and she is actually scaring me because of how low she feels, totally rock bottom, no confidence or anything. I know this is all my fault and I want her to feel on top of the world again. Any advice on how I can make her feel so special again would be very much appreciated.
  7. I’m glad you’re trying and wish you the best. This struggle makes me so sad to read thinking how my husband with struggle too. You’re lucky she is supportive.
  8. You need to start on yourself. You cannot "make her feel special" until you have your PM'ing under some control.

    Take full responsibility for your recovery .. own it .. come up with a clear game plan:
    * what new things are you going to do to replace porn with? ... You cannot just stop PM'ing -- you _must_ replace it with something else.

    * have you started a journal? Are you writing in it daily? Write about your struggles .. your highs and lows .. your thought proceesses .. etc.

    * accountability partner: find one .. find more than one. You can find on on the Accountability Partners forum. (I also suggest an in-person AP when you are ready for that..the sooner the better.)

    * install some sort of porn blocking tools...Sophos Home on computer/laptops .. Install OpenDNS on your home WiFi router to block porn from all devices.

    You are just at the beginning of a long, difficult will hit many roadbumps...but stay focused on your recovery / keep coming back to NoFap, you will get lots of support and help and suggestions here. You CAN do this.
    Space-Cadet likes this.
  9. Oh, and I forgot the most important thing -- read, Read, READ! There are so many good resources...books, articles, YouTube video links. Consume it all. Really read and listen to LEARN everything you can about PA and recovery from PA.
  10. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm going to give it to you really straight... If you betrayed her trust... She's not "power hungry", she's "struggling to be safe again in the relationship" and if you want to continue the relationship, you will do what you Need to, in order to make her secure again, since you went behind the relationship in the first place and were giving things like time and intimacy that were supposed to be for your partner, to a screen.
    She has betrayal trauma...
    Look it up, stop gaslighting her, and form a actual reboot plan.
    We are here to help you, but you have to actually try.
    Just "stopping" isn't a plan..
    It's coasting.
    Good luck.
  11. Space-Cadet

    Space-Cadet Fapstronaut

    Back to day 1 after relapsing. Counter reset and a change of mindset.

    I feel like I have to admit many mistakes, why, because doing this has lead to my change in mindset. My first mistake was thinking this was easy, by thinking that having temptation there and ignoring it was somehow the way to go about stuff. By not telling my SO until date night was finished. These were all wrong decisions. Over the past few days I have tried to listen more, the ever accountable emails coming through with tips everyday is a brilliant place to go for guidance. I have listened and read and now have a very different approach. I have gotten my SO to changed the password on my iPad and I can only have access when she is present. I have written myself a game plan which includes replacing all of my bad habits with good ones. From going to the gym more, reading books and most importantly we have agreed that every night we must post on here and them have a talk about all of our feelings that day. I like this step and I think it will not only resolve some issues but also get us feeling a little closer to one another again. We have agreed together a few lifestyle changes, all of which will help us in our lives and help me with this addiction.

    I feel good about the next few days and I am looking forward to implementing these habits. I still feel like my SO has a lot to get off her chest and I am all ears for that. I just want to build her trust back up and I am willing to do everything it takes.
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  12. Space-Cadet

    Space-Cadet Fapstronaut

    I try to keep these posts daily but I’ve been busy the past few days.

    I feel like a lot has changed in the past few days. A total attitude change about the whole thing, I think at the start I was in denial and thought it was easy but after watching videos, reading up on things and making sure I read any tips given my way, I feel like I have came to terms with it and I am ready to tackle it. The first time I tried to change I said I was easy, I got into this mindset that if I thought I could do it and stay positive, I could achieve it, I was wrong. More accurately I was tackling it completely wrong, I tried to continue my day as normal and just refrain from it and more or less, sit and ignore it. This obviously didn’t work as after just 1 week I relapsed.

    I then started to educate myself in this addiction and one tip that stuck was to replace bad habits with good habits - not to sit and refrain, because it’s only going to be a matter of time, or when not if. I got a diary and started to write what I wanted to do daily, what I wanted to achieve that week and what I wanted to achieve that month. Small baby steps first, I wrote down for example, I wanted to construct a workout plan for the 5 or 6 days a week at the gym, and this was to be done in a week. I wanted to read at least 10 pages a day of a book I have never gotten round to read. This gave me challenges or something to do that day, everyday and to make sure not everyday is the same, I would also need to start on my weekly challenges at some point so this would be included in some of he days. So far so good, I have had no urges at all since I am solely concentrating on my goals of that day, I have read some of my book which makes me feel good about myself and I feel like I am educating myself to a higher degree. I am talking with the gf every night about anything and everything about all of this and it’s making us both feel a lot comfortable.

    The end of today, marks the end of my 8th day since I relapsed and this week has felt so so much easier than the first. I don’t feel as if it’s a struggle anymore and I am really starting to feel normal again, it’s amazing. I can’t thank my SO enough for staying with me and helping me through it all. I guess the trick for me is to keep my addictive personality occupied on something else. This is honestly the best I have felt in a while and it’s hard to explain but I don’t feel dirty or secretive anymore. Now I have to fill my diary with new goals and ideas...
  13. Good news and great to hear.
  14. Space-Cadet

    Space-Cadet Fapstronaut

    Thanks for all who have took time to reply or comment on this post.

    Long time since I’ve posted and that is one hint of how things are going. Things were going well, they really were. The confidence boost and seeing my girl so happy again....words can’t describe. Since then there have been little f*** ups. On Monday I had an urge and went onto P-hub, only to scroll through a few pages, uninterested by anything and switched it off. I felt so so bad for even going on however a little proud that it never went further and for once picked my girlfriend of this. I know this sounds so so stupid and that it should always be the case. I broke a boundary and I’ll accept any consequences that needs to happen. I again today, broke the boundary of not going on my computer without her there. I went on to sync my iPod with songs for the gym and wasn’t on any longer than 10 minutes, however this was still breaking a boundary and now she is close to walking out the door.

    I feel like I have dropped the ball and I am so disappointed in myself that I let this happen or I never had enough self control. I have been taking my mind off of it a lot recently by going to the gym, however today I really felt lost. I don’t know how to explain it but I just felt down and sad and feel like I have lost my streak, which to be fair, I have. I feel lost because now I can’t even put songs into my iPad, which is something very simple.

    I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel like I need a little boost or a little help but I know that the state she is in, which is close to walking away, she really doesn’t want me turning round to her now and asking for more help.

    I will read through some of the forums tonight and get a few ideas and hopefully talk with her tomorrow about them. I need to get my diary about again with my ‘daily tasks’ and to stick to them. All in all, not the best week for me and maybe one of my worst. Hopefully tomorrow it will look up a little.
  15. Check out some accountability/monitor apps. It might give you a little extra nudge to avoid things and give her a little peace of mind as well.
    Just a thought on another tool to use in your battle.

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