My Intro

Hey guys, I never thought I’d ever be sharing this kind of thing with total strangers but as I’ve lurked for a few days I’ve seen the love and support each one of you has for one another and I felt like I had to share a little about myself. I’m a 19 y/o male, I became addicted to P at a young age (11), and man do I regret all of it.

I had been addicted right up until this point and it made my life harder than it needed to be. I never realized it until I made an honest effort to stop and it literally breaks my heart to hear about what some of you have been through. But, it also feels me with some great hope in knowing that a community like this exists.

The effects of P on me were subtle. I became isolated for much of my middle and high school experience. I couldn’t talk to girls or initiate anything really because I was anxious and nervous. I became anxious all the time about everything it seemed like. I would PMO once, twice or sometimes three times a day and for the longest time I didn’t realize what it was actually doing to me. I felt ashamed and guilty a lot of the time and I found it hard to connect with people.

Somehow I managed to connect with a few people, and they became my friends and I had a couple of girlfriends. I really think I went to P to feel not so lonely. I already struggled socially before I used it, and after I started it became worse. Even though I struggled I managed to connect with my girlfriends and friends pretty well, and I mainly used to fill a void in my life where I didn’t have any intimacy, or friendship with anybody. I ran away from my problems. I used to think to myself that I’ll look until I could actually do the real thing.

Well, my senior year came and I became sexually active with my girlfriend at the time and while I never used when she was around or before or after, I’d still find myself going back to it when I was feeling, for lack of better term, horny. I actually found myself wanting the real deal more than P. It became mostly something I’d turn to when I was bored or feeling hot and bothered.

I quickly became infatuated and ultimately she left, which is fine, she didn’t treat me super awesome anyway. After this I told my religious leaders about all that had happened but I really didn’t have that much support, I guess I really didn’t think I was addicted so I didn’t really make it a huge deal, I just thought that I’d stop when I want. I told my parents years before and then I’d relapse and I didn’t feel like I could tell them.

I wish that I did, they were ashamed of me and they just said stop and there wasn’t a whole lot of love and while I love my parents, I was the first born so they were learning with me. Once I started college the problems would follow me and I kept using but I actually wanted to quit. I would try but fail around the third or fourth day.

I struggled with this for two years, until I met the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I knew that I had to do right by her. I struggled a little bit while we were dating but I never gave up. Part of me wasn’t ready to give up my movies with nudity or my video games with nudity. Or my other triggers, it wasn’t until we started talking marriage that I really decided to kick it into high gear.

I realized that I would do anything for this girl and that I had to be clean before we get married. So I just stopped and I have done everything to stop myself, and I will do anything to stop myself. I also figured that I couldn’t get married to her unless I told her what I was going through.

That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and I don’t deserve her. She told me that she loved me and that she would be there to help me and for the first time in my life. I didn’t feel isolated, I had somebody to call on when I needed. I never realized how huge it is to have help and it makes such a difference. I have been now 10 days clean, which isn’t a lot but it is for me. And I can control my thoughts and my feelings and I’m starting to enjoy the small things. I don’t get bored as often and when I do I can handle temptation.

I handled some tough withdrawals, mostly the third and eighth day. I’ve found that ways of dealing with stress and I’m not worried that I’ll relapse. I mean I’m always on guard, and I do what I need to be able to keep myself from relapsing and I have never felt so good in my life. I feel lucky to be where I am and I know that while I’m just starting I know that I’m done with it.

Anyone who is struggling that might read this know you’re not alone and there are people who love you and want to help you.

Sorry for the long post, thanks for letting me tell you a little about myself.