My intro!

Hi all,

I'm glad I found this community a few days ago. I pondered my options and decided to join. My first post might be a little lenghty, but it's an occasion for me to "come out".

Here is my history: Mid-40s, MO'ing since it physically started to "work" at around 13 yo. MO'd quite a bit in my teens and I kept going since. I'm on my second marriage.
When I was a young teen, the late-night erotic movies was the thing I was trying to access when possible. Movies left a lot to the imagination back then..really soft P. The internet was just in its infancy...slow speed dial-up 300 bauds modems, much slower than 56K modems! There was almost no online P material back then. The P mags and VHS tapes were where it was. I started to rent videos when I could and copy them. So I had P accessible to me at all times (I bought my own VCR and TV for my bedroom). I was MO'ing 2-3 times a day back then, sometimes more.

I became a young adult, but no GF. P was there to compensate (or that's what I thought). I felt I wasn't desirable enough, but I was socially awkward. I started seeing girls and ladies as a source of pleasure. Hormones hitting me hard, I was MO'ing quite a bit to relieve pressure. Early on, I figured I had a few fetishes. I started to seek content that was covering my fetishes. Nothing too hardcore, but still. I got married and had enough sex to be happy, but I was still MO'ing while the missus was at work...when PIV became less frequent, I started to increased PMO, looked to spice up things a little (these fetishes were calling for stimuli).

Me and the missus separated and I spend two years without any GF or PIV occurances. Again the P collection was growing. P DVD's were out there and I carried on buying some.

Got into my actual relationship. My missus knows that I consume P for a very long time. Mostly, she pretended that she didn't care, but unconsciously, it did damage the perception she had of me. I threw the DVDs in the garbage, which I regretted after a little while. Internet speeds picked up and online content became the norm. In every apartments we rented, I always chose a place with an extra room to use as my "computer room". I started to go to bed late, browsing for novelty content. I was feeling ashamed at times. I deleted my collection many times! I got caught in the act by the missus quite a bit. I even got caught by my daughter when she browsed my browser history =(. I started to use INCOGNITO mode in browser and file cleaners. Discussions, excuses, remorse, promises, etc.

I was relapsing after a few days...life got busy, with a demanding job. Stress levels increased. PMOing was my hobby, my personal space. My "solution". I added Alcohol in the mix during the binge watching, multi-tabs browsing. I was suffering from PE. I was able to satisfy the missus, but that was a close call!!! I figure that my brain was overdoing it with the excitement levels, which caused me to O too quickly.

I realized that I was never accessing the videos or images stored on my hard drives, instead always looking for new vids (dopamine fix I guess). I was trying to get the wife to adapt to my desires, to spice things up (light fetish stuff, different positions, introducing toys & lingerie, etc). The missus didn't respond well to this and reluctantly accepted slight changes or straight-up ignoring these requests. I had to feed my fetish desires using PMO. Many hours of my life I'll never get back spend PMO'ing. I even had occurences of finger pain due to mouse clicking and neck pain due to the long hours of starring at the screen. I even refused to PIV to show the missus that my desires were not being respected. Like going on strike lol.

Now, in my mid-40s, early occurrences of PIED began to happens. I developed a little performance anxiety during the act, which doesn't help ED!!!I started to look at my options and found this community by chance. Then I realized that PIED existed and what was causing it! This became a revelation to me. Reading everyone's posts was quite enlightening too! I recognizes myself in a lot of you folks!

I got rid of my internet bookmarks & P collections on HDDs, etc. I came forward and signed-up. I'm hoping to get a better, healthier sex life, get rid of PIED and concentrate on the missus, which I love and desire. My wife is fully aware of my issues now and supporting me. She is sick of feeling that she cannot compete in act frequency, duration and she doesn't feel good when she catches me looking at younger beautiful actresses or seeing sex acts that she wouldn't do. She feels like she's never be able to feed my "hunger". She wants to help me and I hope that she will think about spicing things up a little bit without me asking.

Our problem is the coolidge effect, so the "same old" sex with the same person doesn't bring the "novelty" into the mix...I never cheated and not intending to do it ever. Not my bag.

I'm not 100% sure of what I should do between stopping to access P only, going no PMO or simply allowing myslef to MO (which I'd have to relearn, as my brain prefers explicit content to mental imaging).

I don't know if I should also rewire to remove all fetish thoughts and ban those from my head/sex life. They are not shocking to the wife, but she doesn't see herself supporting these.

Right now, I'm only on my first day off PMO.

Any advices will be appreciated!

 

Thanks for sharing. I totally share your experience in that aspect. I'm also the culprit of going 120+MPH..the wife's needs being much less in frequency. She doesn't feel the need to experiment new stuff or dress up, etc....I got offended by that for a long time, thinking that she didn't care about my needs. I now realize that I was asking her to cross her comfort zone and it looked scary and unnecessary to her.

I'll try to meditate, work-out and get busy at work. I'll try to spend less time on the computer, as being on the net is a dangerous zone. We're really just a click away!
I used to be a hardcore computer gamer. Throughout the years, I found myself gaming a lot less and PMO'ing more and more....