My partner relapsed after a year

You came home to an escort yesterday and your bf is still breathing?

 

I think this is where we differ. I don't think his family or friends are being cruel for not tolerating that behavior and I wouldn't think you were cruel for doing the same. I understand your love for him but it shouldn't come at the price of your own sanity. You are not responsible for a persons unreasonable behavior and you do neither of you any favors by removing the threat of serious consequences for abusing your love and support. I would encourage you to take some time and reflect on this.

 

To me, he just doesn't want to admit he has a serious problem, which should be the first step in fighting an addiction.

If you can't admit who you are, you'll never change, because you don't know where you are and where you need to go.

 

Admitting who you are doesn't automatically result in someone changing their direction. He can admit who he is, know where he is, and know where he needs to go, and still choose to not go there. It's the power of choice. He's choosing to abuse his loved ones trust and support. He's choosing to put his gf in mental, emotional, and physical danger by refusing to get help and by using escorts who could have god knows what by way of stds or be affiliated with god knows who by way of pimps and etc. He's making very serious unhealthy decisions and if he's going to show zero resolve in changing his ways and continuing with his recovery, then no one should feel the need to help him or have him live with them.

The simple and sad truth is there are people who have to hit absolute rock bottom before they will change, and it must likewise be accepted that there are also those who will hit rock bottom and will never change. But at the end of the day that is their decision and not your fault!

 

I completly agree with you. What i said is that for you to change "who you are", you need to admit "who you are".

But admitting that is just the first step to change, in my opinion.

 

I don't think he relapsed after a year. I think this is the first time in a year that you caught him. Obviously, I can't be 100 percent sure about this but speaking from experience and what you've said here, this really seems like he's not actually been in recovery. I'm not sure if my observation matters, it was just my first impulse reading through your posts.

I think you have some tough decisions to make and some even tougher conversations to have with him. Even though we look at sexual compulsion as an addiction, it doesn't mitigate our behaviors nor justify hurting people we supposedly care about. Also, allowing his behavior by not delivering any consequences does neither of you any good. You're left feeling hopeless and he doesn't really have an incentive to change.

 

Don't be embarrassed or apologize for what you've written. No one here would agree with his behavior whether you were the hottest chick on the planet or a pug faced troll, the fact still remains that you deserve to be treated with dignity which isn't happening. Don't be embarrassed that you two aren't sleeping in the same bed. I personally wouldn't get sexually intimate with him until he's shown real progress and defiantly not until after he's been tested for stds and given an all clear test result.

 

You should realize that guys in relationships that use escorts aren't looking to have sex with a perfect 10 because their SO is a five. It's often the opposite, actually. The desire to use someone as an object is more difficult when things like emotions and everyday life is involved. To them, hiring someone, regardless of looks, makes it even easier to view them as their object.

 

Hmmmm his addiction is very deep. Hiring escorts is not cool, 100x more so when you have a partner.
I'm curious how did you react?
How did he react?

I feel that he needs a sharp kick up the backside now, because maybe his addicted mind thinks it can get away with anything.
Eventually that way of thought infringes on rational thought. Not a good thing.

I'm gonna guess (don't take it the wrong way) but you seem very kind and nice in nature (excellent traits btw) but when dealing with an addict of any kind those traits can be taken advantage of and so maybe that's why he feels like he can get away with things because you are very forgiving.
It might be time to be a bit blunt and selfish in your approach to some situations.

I may be completely wrong with my judgement but hey it's potentially helpful info none the less

 

Agreed

 

@MementoMori It's good to not give up and keep fighting, but you can't do that forever. You've been clearly fighting hard for long time. At one point it makes sense to just give up. Or else what? Keep tolerating this for another decade? Considering what he has done to you and your relationship nobody would judge you if you would divorce him. In which case I doubt police could legally force him back at you, if you do not live in co-owned/rented property at least.

I mean it makes sense to fight for somebody who cares and who is trying his best to get better. But in this case he doesn't seem to care or want to, or try at all. If he would then the very least he would be honest with his therapist. Maybe you love him or at least respect him so you don't want to be cruel, but there is important person that deserves your love and respect more - You! And she is being treated quite cruel right now.

There are mental institutions for addicted people and suicidal people. You could put him in there if you can afford it. He doesn't have to agree on that, I'm sure constantly treating to kill himself qualifies as a reason to take away his legal decision rights for a while, at least where I live it does. Maybe that could show him how serious things are and that you will not tolerate it? At the very least it would give your mind some rest from all that nonsense you have to deal with, if anything then at least for a while.

 

Hm this is a shame.
You clearly love him but his love for you is clouded by his addiction. His behaviour is twisted and irrational as a result of addiction.
Sounds like you've tried virtually everything.

 

He's clearly in denial. No one can help him until he comes to grips with his issues.

Take care of yourself.

 

Wait, he proudly showed you the 1 year reward but you kicked him out?
I'm not sure that was a good idea in terms of helping him get "back on the horse".
Oh well. Good luck .