My story of Rebooting as a bisexual man

i am glad this group has because alive again thanks to our friend @Atlanticus ! Good job man!
So this is my story: I started having urges to MO fantasizing about boys since I was 10. I could not remember until 7-8 months after my reboot ( 40 years later) that this started after I was sexually abused in a restroom at school by three older kids. I felt so guilty and ashamed that could not speak about it with anybody and my brain chose to hide the trauma behind PMO. Crazy way our brain works.
My fantasies were with classmates at that same school, always envolving athletic shoes and clothes, sweaty bodies and muscles. This was all present while they abused me. I had always a fetsih to do it in dark, public , very promiscuous sex. Again, I understand now how my fantasies were a way to re live the traumatic experience once an again.
Anyway, I started MOing using these fantasies when I was 10.
At 11 I discovered some porn films hidden by my father in a drawer, old 8 mm films. I started watching them every Saturday night when they leave home m and always focusing in the guy. One was wearing athletic clothes and shoes so I was in heaven!
When I was 16 I started a relationship with a girl, who became my fiancé and my wife later on. I knew I liked her and wanted to have sex with her ( which we started doing when I was 17. But still I was always attracted by men and kept MO with images of boys I like at school.
Around 20 I got the nerve to buy the first Playgay magazine. Homosexuality had been a taboo in Argentina, my homeland during many years, and porn was hidden . You could go to jail if you were caught with another guy!!
Things got a bit freer and porn mags started being sold in street newstands. It took me several months to get the balls to buy one. Many times I approached the newsstand , freaked out and left.
Not too far away the first xxx theatres open. This changed everything. Units then, I was just consuming porn magazines and videos: VCR started a few years before and video rental clubs flooded Buenos Aires. The whole experience of renting them in these secret, dark places was as thrilling as watching them later. Everything was still in the dark, gay life was hidden.
So at 24 I got married, and that same year I visited a xxx gay movie theatre for first time. And had my first sexual relationship with a guy. Until that day I thought that I could live my bisexual life in the world of "fantasies", just MO ing about guys using my imagination . Before getting married even I came out in front of my then girlfriend about these "fantasies" , and she agreed to continue our relationship.
I never told her Inhad real sex with men. Between us, it was always just fantasies.
Sex in movie theatres was all the dark, secret and promiscuos that my fantasies always had craved for.
I started attending almost every month, it was the only place to get guys. I just did oral sex, although I saw som guys going full course there.
Very soon Internet made things easier. Chat rooms appeared and I became addicted to those. Every day in my office when I was alone I chatted with guys, had cyber sex, phone sex, etc.
Male nude pics started flooding the Internet first, porn pics later. It was not possible to watch movies at the beginning, the Internet was too slow, but eventually short videos became available.
So I kept escalating more and more, as you can see.
I started meeting guys through chat rooms and meeting pages. Most of them were one time random hooks-ups, except two 8 months relationships. Both were very passionate and lustful and ended up with a lot of drama!
16 years ago I moved to the US and with High Speed Internet escalated everything. Downloading porn was fast and easy and I built a library with my "favorite movies", more than 200.
I did sex video calls, glory holes, 4-5 guys sex parties, etc.
I got completely out of control.
Eventually I started hiring male escorts because it was less commitment and also because I started suffering PIED after so many years of PMO abuse.
I probably spent $ 8,000 in escorts and paid porn sites.
I hooked up with more than 100 guys all over the world.
I had a parallel life, sleeping with my wife in bed as if nothing was happening.
So many times I came back after having sex in a cheap motel, feeling dirty. Took a shower trying to wash out all the guilt and shame.
PMO was not satisfying any longer, but I kept doing it 3-4 times per day.
I became passive due to my PIED, which I never enjoyed. It hurt every time but I kept calling them.
I hide twice an Ipad while meeting with an escort, and I PMO'd many times later watching myself becoming a porn star in my own videos.
Two years ago I touched ground. I met a famous Hungarian porn star who worked for Bel Ami, a famous European gay porn studio. They come often to Miami to work as escorts, so i used to hire them every time they came.
i had been "following this guy career" and liked him a lot.
Instead of the usual "pay-have sex-leave" 15 minutes meeting, he started talking. He told me he was not even gay, got a girlfriend and was doing this job because his family was very poor and he needed to support them. He mentioned how the owner of the studio "had the right" to sleep with any of them any night. that most of them have pimps that take our most of the money they make. That they are mostly drug addicts, and 50% die before they turn 40 due to AIDS, drug abuse or crime.
Lately they were forced to have sex without condoms because "this was what the clients like". And that the HIV tests were faked if someone go positive.
He could not get out before his two-year contract expires, without a big penalty. He was counting the days to leave.
Bel Ami always shows bright color images and happy guys having sex in beautiful places. But the reality was completely different.
But the worst part was than even after listening all this, I did not leave. I had sex with him, and I was active this time.I could see he was hurting, but could not stop.
When I left his apartment, sat down in my car and started crying. I felt like an animal. My self-esteem was six feet under.
Three days later, even after such a traumatic event, i hired an escort once more. The whole meeting was completely humiliating: he faked with his pictures, forced me to have oral sex when I did not wanted, made me stay silent "because there was somebody sleeping in the other room". I wanted this to finish fast so I could leave.
When I sat down in my car I started crying again.
I understood how sick I was, although never heard about PMO addiction before. I asked God for help.
One week later I found by chance the TED Talks Gary Wilson video about PMO addiction. I immediately understood I was a serious PMO and sexual addict.
Two days later I found NoFap. My life changed.
This was two years ago. I struggled with my reboot and hurt a lot. I needed to confront my bisexuality choice. I realized that one thing is to like men, but another is to embark in such a sick, promiscuous and dangerous sexual behavior.
7 months later, when the fog of my brain started lifting, I started remembering about the sexual violence I suffered when I was a kid.
I was shocked to remember, and to realize that my sexual life was so profoundly marked by that one time episode.
Reboot helped me to get my mind clearer and started healing.
I decided not to pursue more sexual relationships with men for the next few years.
One of the hardest moments was when an escort who I used to hire every month texted me. He usually offered me to meet when he was short of cash. He was beautiful, very gentle and always had great sex with him. But every time he left I felt miserable
I needed to tell him that I will never meet him again, I lied saying I moved out of the country for good. It was very hard to do it, but helped me to start drifting away the temptation.
I always to say that bisexuality is like being in an ice cream parlor: if I like both chocolate and caramel flavor, why should I chose just one if I can get one scoop of each one
But with time I realize that not always having the two flavors at the same time makes me happy.
I see ir now my attraction for me more like watching a Ferrari parked on the street: I can admire it and desire it, but I cannot afford it.
In my current situation I cannot afford indulging in sex with men. I hurt my wife too much and I cam working effortless to rebuild our trust and relationship.
I am not judging, nor saying that having sex with men and women is wrong. But it is not good for me right now.
In the meantime I moved forward with my reboot, and my life got under control. I am a living a happier and healthier life. The fog in my brain is gone. I do not have too many urges now, just when I am stressed or sad.
The future will say how my sexual life evolves.
It is a story in process.
Sorry if I went too long with this post. It helps me tell my story to keep healing
Keep on fighting
Fercho

 

Thank you so much @Caped Crusader , tell us more about you so we can help you with your reboot
(I love the Batman logo, BTW)
Fercho

 

Thank you @DogDaysOfLife
There are some videos in YouTube where former porn stars speak out about their miserable lives, and how fucked up they end up after their "careers" finish.
There are so many famous porn starts that end up in jail, or die young from AIDS, or any other violent death.
A few years ago I watched a video showing a guy that used to be a "star" in a gay porn studio called Broke Straight Boys. He always played the role of the super confident, cocky , straight guy humiliating more afeminate kids.
He was caught by the police in possession of some drugs, and the idiot swallowed the whole thing in order to hide it from gen cops. He died due to suffocation in front of the cameras. It was shocking.
Another former famous porn star called Ryan Idol ( I was so in love with him when I was young) was in jail a few times due to violence episodes against his partner. He needed up felling down ( or throwing himself down) from a building to the street. I believe he survived but was crippled.
The problem is that in the videos they look like super machos, full of muscles, confidence , etc. But they are nlt what we see.
Once we understand this, the " fantasy " starts dissapearing and we can start forgetting that shit
Stay strong
Fercho

 

You are absolutely right @Caped Crusader
You can watch an interview to retired porn actresses in one of the posts in this forum:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...os-that-help-me-a-lot-during-my-reboot.39774/

If more of them were speaking out, the deceitful reality of the Porn industry would be more under the sunlight

Fercho

 

Thank you so much for your kind words @Tswizzle . Argentinians are beautiful, I cannot blame you, lol.
Funny that you still drink mate, it is a powerful beverage, isn'it?
Stay strong
Fercho