My story..

Hello, I am Alan. I am new.

I want to share a "short" story..

But before that I want to say that I want to never ever fap again. Maybe only before sex, maybe.

It started when I was a kid. I am 26 now.
My parents were not what I've expected. My father was never there, instead he lived in several places with relatives, enjoying his drinking. I went to his funeral 2 months ago. I burried a stranger.

My mother was from the countryside, came here a long time ago to work and she kept the house for us to live. She was everything my father wasn't. She worked at nights and over the course of the years she developed a habit. She is/was a hoarder. Yep, such a mess..

Now, every brother left to live their own life (4 of them) and they never looked back. I lived with her and my older brother. Yeah, we were 6 brothers. Only the 2 of us to "enjoy" THE apartment and her.

Emotionaly speaking, I am dead.
I think about depression, anxiety, numbness, dying, overthinking and alot of things from time to time.

Growing up with a hoarder is bad. Nasty. A 3 room apartment of 60 square cm2 became 1 very messy room. Everything was filled. Up to the ceiling. Bugs around, useless cloths/rags, nasty smells and me. I couldn't even take a shower because the bathroom was filled. Yeah, whatever she saw empty, she filled. Maybe she filled outside.. from within.

She provided.. in her way. Things, food, material stuff, garbages etc. But not feelings. Never.

Only those mentioned and whatever she found in the hood.

I was very smart at school, picking up information effortlesly.
Ofc, ego-kids called me nerd, but i was paying attention instead of gossiping.
I really wanted to be appreciated. Not for my grades, but that I exist, in general.

Living as the youngest means to be ignored.
Somehow, one day i stopped caring. About everything.

One day, I told my mother about my grades and she told me "i don't care, you learn for yourself".
I was shattered.

She took all my money, dragged me in hospitals (i was a cardiac, and she took my health handicap as a cashcow) and all I wanted was 0,01% appreciation. Not much.
The next day at school, i literally died. I remember it so vividly. I looked up at the window, and I said " it doesn't matter, right? Everyone is talking trash that i am a nerd, they want me to do their homework, i get bullied, why learn.." and I put my head on my backpack and I quited the idea of learning. I became like them. A clown. A clown that sleeps at class and makes fun of the teachers.

Empty, sad, alone, .. hating.

Now, i won't dwelve in psychologicaly death and other mind stuff that developed afterwards.

But, It was in 7th grade. "Friends" back then were experimenting their sexuality. showing off their penis, talking about faping, sex and alot of stuff. I was kinda ashamed of uncontroled erections and the size of it. Wasn't that big. And i don't overeatimate like everyone wants to think about it.

I really needed some.. dopamine.. i guess.
Guess what I did? I discovered masturbation. Tadaaa.. Fapping.

Right in the puberty phase, before us males develop sperm.
It was wonderful, it was hard rock, it was pleasurable, it was .. heroin.

At first it started off with 1 or two per several days. I was damn surely rocking the cock. It felt good, it felt.. something.

Fastforward a brief time, one day i did it with my own hands *pun intended*.

I was watching porn and playing videogames ..

(and you know, when you live with a hoarder and you live with shame, you isolate yourself.
She started hoarding in places where I was hanging out with "friends", further embarrasing myself.

Knowing that, I never went outside and became a mindless go-to school robot, play videogames, go in hospitals and accept this life i was given. And i had to have something to cope with.)

As i was saying, one day it wasn't just one or two faps. Oh boy, no no no. You should have seem me. Fap after fap after fap after fap without pause. Violently, viciously, until my right hand was stronger than my left arm ( hello Tryndamere ).

I was literaly enjoying masturbation so much that I did it 20 times a day. For that dopamine hit. For that heroin. For that "escape".

After i ejaculated (sperm or piss) I was focusing on my muscles, wanting another one, squeezing my muscles so i can go further. I think i was doing Kegel without knowing. Bad shit.

I fapped so badly that I only needed 1-2 up-and-downs on my penis and i was done.

If i recall i was having blood points in my penis, meaning that I've damaged some veins. I killed it.

Then i started putting my penis into large bottles, the ones with a bigger entry, so it will fit in. Then I literally started to fuck the radiator. Those elements inbetween them and even those 2 warm pipes where a space lies.

Man it felt soooo good. It felt something.

I guess i like it rough.

I did it so bad that my hands hurt. I did it 20+ a day one time. For that pleasure hit. I was rocking it like a pickhammer did the concrete.

Alot of time passed and nothing changed for the better..

Highschool, I was a dead-robot, hoarding still, videogames more and fapping.

I lost so many chances to get close to girls. Hot ones.
Seems like i was a nerd, too white and not very attractive when i was a kid, but it slowly changed favorably over the course of the year. I got handsome.

I even got a girlfriend around 11th grade.
She was .. pff, gosh, wonderful. Listening, smart, warm, caring and all of the good stuff.

But you know what it is sad? That you cannot fuck her.

I mean yeah, personality, caring, emotional and stuff, but fucking ..? Nope.

We dated for about 1 year. After that i chased another one for years (but that is another story).
In this year i only got some bjs, did her orally, made her squirt, but never fucked.

She told me that she loves me without sex. I couldn't accept that.

Now.. It made me look for a solution.
I tried testosterone, Tribulus terestris, herb stuff like cow parsnip tincture and some vitamins.

Everything i researched online so I won't face a doc'.

They didn't work.

They lost their effect right after ejaculation.

Now, after a while I gathered strenght to go to a doctor. I couldn't take it anymore.

I told him that i have ED's because of fapping. Not the whole story..

But he didn't took me seriously.. and it was a big line of pacients behind me, so yeah.. Superficialy, he gave me some vitamins (E, Zn, Selenium and something undescifrable).

I took them and nothing happened.

I tried with Marathon Forte (which gave some results), but they all fail in the mid/long term. Right after cumming.

I just cannot have sex because of excesive fapping i did back then.

I don't realy know what to do anymore.

And so many girls approach me, beautiful ones and i just cannot do a fucking thing to them.

In this 21st century that we live in.. isn't there a solution for ED?

What kind of doctor should I visit?

What can I do, yo?

I am so tired and pissed.

I want to change alot of stuff and THIS is one of them.

I want to NEVER EVER fap again and inspire others to quit this habit, as it is a fking heroin hit.

It starts with me.

Sorry for the long post, but if you have a similar experience or any solution or advice, i would fucking appreciate it.

Hail NoFap!

Thanks, be blessed!