my story

when I was a little child, aged 5 or so, I masturbated pressing my penis and grinding against a hard surface like a chair or the edge of a table. Back then, I wasn't aware of what I was doing. I was also caught by parents or relatives, so out of shame I rarely did that. Yet, I felt pleasure similar to an orgasm and down the line I kept masturbating like this when I was alone. When I reached puberty, I actually had my first ejaculation with this technique (12 yo). From this moment on, I got accustomed to orgasm this way. Then, I also began fapping as else does but during those years I'd say it was more frequent the prone way, pressing the penis (flaccid) with my body weight and then grinding to orgasm. Aged 15 I got internet connection and eventually started with porn. It was easier and less messy masturbating prone on a chair. Didn't need to get undressed and less likelihood to get caught. Aged 17 I lost my virginity. From this moment on I had a number of girls, many very attractive, but I wasn't able to orgasm when having sex, even difficult to reach it when they performed HJ on me (just managed with one of them). I'd say I was much more addicted to masturbation itself than to porn. yes, I used porn to edge but stuck to a softcore genre and 60% of the times I masturbated just because I was horny. It was enough to get undressed to feel aroused. I used to orgasm even 3/4 a day from 17 to 24. My sex life with women was normal for them because I could make them orgasm many times, but disappointing for myself and, as I read here, even for a girl can be very frustrating especially if you are in a LTR.
From age 22/23 I started to quit prone masturbation with flaccid penis. Age 24 I met a girl, who was amazing, told her my issue and she was very supportive. Sex was great with her. I gave up masturbating alone. However, I couldn't orgasm with her during sex either. Just HJ and BJ and she was the first to manage to make me cum regularly this way. However, I acknowledge now that I just replaced my tight grip and fast pace with hers. Not much of a change from a physical standpoint. As for PIV, it remained impossible to me. I was frequently very close but the more I was focused the more I lost the moment and orgasm just slipped away. After 6 years we broke up, not only but also due to this very reason. She was frustrated. She wanted babies and I was unable to have them naturally. Also, sex had become more of a duty for the both of us. I was distraught. After her, I went with many girls but I was unable to orgasm even with them. I'm not proud of that but I also paid two young escorts (in a country where it's legal) but to no avail. I was close but..So I discovered nofap. Tried for my longest streak (65 days) last year. Then had sex, but nothing happens. I did have more sensitivity, that's all. After this grave disappointment, I lost hope and relapsed even if without binging. With covid19 quarantine, all the tension and stress of the period, besides the fact I was alone, I relapsed and binged. Sometimes I was watching porn and edging for many hours per day. I felt like a loser. I was depressed. Porn and edging for hours were ways to escape reality and problems. I didn't even orgasm many times: just once or twice per day but that wasn't a healthy life, that wasn't a life either. I always began fapping without even be aroused, many times during this summer I couldn't get an erection and that really scared me. I was destroying myself. No girl, no job and this horrible DE, for which I had lost hope whatsoever.
Then, I landed a good job and started reducing P to almost zero in September and less than one month ago I decided to change life for good. No more P obviously, but no more MO either unless with a girl while having sex. That was for two reasons: 1) I want to be in complete control of my life and use all the time I have to build something meaningful becoming the best version of myself 2) I want to cure my DE (almost ED in the last months of quarantine). Now, I don't know if there's someone who can relate to this post. I guess my story has peculiar traits, even if many are common to most forum users. I'm sure about the outcome of my first goal, not so sure about the second. But this time my main objective is not to cure DE, it's to do everything in my power to fix my issues, to be attractive to my next woman, to have success in life. Give myself the best chance at life. My DE may or may not be curable. However, my best chance at it is just giving up PMO for the rest of my life, surely one day at a time but without 30-90-180 day-goal. This is the 1st time ever I tell this story. Nobody knows it entirely. I was too ashamed. Writing is liberating in a way..