My summer-long day-by-day healing journal

Sunday night I committed myself to change. I could not finish sex with my wife, no feeling left in the D. It took 400mg of Sidenafil Citate to get me hard enough but the years of PMO had slowly but surely led up to this. I could see the disappointment, she knows what had happened.

Days 1 and 2 were pretty easy, still under the cloud of disappointment.

This morning, day 3, I caught my hand going for the D while I was fantasizing. Had to get out of bed and wash dishes, make coffee, keep my hands busy. My wife is going thru her period now so this traditionally has been my most active time. Going to be a long week :-(

My goal is to go all summer no P and absolutely no M from anyone (not from the wife, the massage therapist, nor myself). The wife and I will work thru the Os when absolutely needed.

Ugh

 

Day 4 - This morning was catching up on some AMP review boards when it hit me - I was reading P. Ugh.

Got to watch out for this in the future. But TODAY I must consciously force myself not to MO-relapse because of this.

 

Woke up day 5 - no fantasies, no urges, no tingling of the D that needed attention. Been reading about flatline, I am hopefull this is the start but it seems a bit too early. I am not feeling any depressing moods ...

 

Last night I PMO’d, it felt great, then I felt bad, then I woke up. It was a dream. Weird.

Day 6 should pass fairly easy, I spend all day and all evening Saturdays helping my wife at her store, no opportunity to indulge myself. Being careful of becoming complacent, tomorrow will be my first major test of self control. Must get past today.

 

Day 7, I have an iPhone and a MacBook. To reduce temptation I have left the laptop in the computer bag all week and only concentrated on self control over my iPhone. However Sunday mornings are when I catch up on online banking, books, budget, and pay bills for the wife’s business and our home. In the past it was pretty easy to take quick breaks, pop open another browser with some P and rub out a few. Today will really test my self control over PMO and my resolve to overcome this destructive habit.

I have been debating about whether or not it would be beneficial to continue to have sex with the wife during my reboot. Do I wait 30 days or longer or do I start reinforcing good habits right away.

 

Day 8. Yesterday wife decided we needed to go out for breakfast, go shopping, then invite friends over for the afternoon, so by evening I really didn’t feel like doing any work on the laptop. That will be today’s hurdle. Can’t say after 1 week of no PMO that I feel much different than last week. No noticeable improvements yet.

Last night was reading some other journals on this forum and found myself mentally aroused by posts describing sexual encounters before, during, and after reboots by members. After I got my head straight I wondered if this forum is really going to help quit PMO when it itself contains P.

Wife wants us to wait 30 days before trying sex again, which is probably the right course of action. She is 200% supportive of me on this reboot, I am a lucky man.

 

At the pool today saw a shapely young lady in a revealing swimsuit which left little to the imagination. My eyes were craving and I was sooooooo hoping for a reaction down lower but no. None. Nada.

I really hope this comes back again. I miss it.

 

Yes!!!! Got all my online accounting finished in 2 hours with No P !!! Was very tempting a few times but resisted the urge, and popped the laptop back in the bag as quick as I shut it down.

 

Day 9, not much new. Browsed the AMP review boards again last night for a couple minutes, was boring. Same story from same places. No reaction. I recall many times when using P that it was also boring, same action same ending. I stayed with pretty vanilla P, never veered into the more exotic flavors. It was the O that I sought, that is what I miss so much now.

 

I am starting to feel really uncomfortable. Have absolutely no desire for P, I’m fixated now on O. No natural wood, and I don’t want to load up on meds again, am doing all I can to keeps my hands above my waist. 30 days? God help me.

The trigger was a text message today from a massage therapist I frequented in the past. She opened a new place closer to me. Her service was always above and beyond.

 

Day 10, not getting any easier. After wife got home last night we were just not getting any reaction from the D, she remarked was probably still too early. We fell asleep. Woke up this morning feeling better. Day by day.

 

Day 11. Dead dick is so depressing. Waiting patiently for wood. Laptop still stowed. Keeping busy with life without PMO.

Balls starting to feel very uncomfortable.

 

Has been a difficult day. Lots of fantasizing. Every time I got a little frisky with the wife, she reminds me 30 days. She gives D a little rub and asks if it is working yet, I disappointingly answer no. I can’t even get hard from fantasizing, and I am battling the urge to reach down and manually restart the equipment.

In desperation I’ve been reading a lot about taking ED meds during a reboot, I still haven’t decided what to do yet, but it sure is tempting.

This is consuming me way too much. Uugghh.