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My way.

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Deleted Account, Dec 17, 2020.

  1. For last 586 days I've been on NoFap everyday. Not that everyday I wasn't watching porn. Not that every one of those days I was absolutely free from orgasming. No.
    It's not about it. It has never been.
    It's about freedom from slavery that I put myself into when I was 13. It was, is and is going to always be about becoming innocent again, feeling the air in the same way I did when I was a kid. I know I will get there.

    How it all started.


    Laying in bed, pushing my penis back and forth while not knowing what is about to happen. It's just me, the bed and thoughts about an random girl I'd like to have some sexual connection with.
    I go wild, my kids brain imagines everything that might as well happen there, even tho I have seen P before maybe once or twice.
    Yet I think about it.
    All of the sudden something weird happens. I've never known this feeling before. It's so... Unusual. I couldn't explain it back then and even now - I can't explain exactly how it felt.
    Things got really weird, I was confused. Ran to toilet to realize - I just had my first orgasm.
    Journey to hell and back started here...

    Sins, sins... Deadly sins.


    Sat in front of my brothers laptop for entire day. Playing games, talking with random people over skype and just not enjoying life at all. That's 13 year old me.
    Night comes closer and everyone is falling asleep, including my brain.
    But not the sins. They crawl up, they get into my head. They lit up fire in dopamine lab and it just burns like in hell. It's bad, but immature me loves it. Watching everything that makes me feel that rush. I'm just digging it more than ever. Feels so good, just like paradise.

    Months after, I had to move into a house that my parents lived in. I didn't like it as much. Didn't have the access to internet. But magazines with naked girls? ANYTIME! As soon as my parents would go to nearest shop that was like 6 kilometers away from home, I would just lose it. 3 times a day, 4 times a day. Sometimes just doing it to do it again later. There was no sense in it - I was grabbed and sucked into that void.

    What even IS life?


    Don't ask me. I can't reply. Busy avoiding it.
    I was turning 14 and I was also turning into a rotting piece of meat. I didn't have personality. I didn't have social life or real friends. I just had computer... That was not mine. And power of lust - to more precise - that was the power over me, not the power I controled.
    I lived with my sister then. As soon as she was out to work or just to live a life - I wasted mine with porn and videogames.
    I felt horrible. But I didn't know why. I was kind of there... Just eating, using PC, going to school and back. Nothing had meaning, nothing had purpose.
    In school I was laughed at by peers, since I was only 14, and most of 14 year olds in my school were not really friendly. It's kind of natural here I guess.
    School made me feel bad. I was not wanting to be myself in my own brain.
    I had changed like 4 schools before that. I've moved around - and I was tired.
    I wasn't from an wealthy family. I was poor. Clothes were shit, hygiene was shit and I myself - felt like shit. My head was full of noise, stress and overall bad feelings about future and life in general. Lifeless, loveless, helpless. Also, just horrible kid in nature.
    I've always been different from other kids. Really different, not just in traditional sense. That also was one of the reasons why it was so hard for me to connect to the world. Cables didn't match the ports I'd say. I was really trying to make friends, but my fucked up way of thinking and brain that I had fapped away just kept twisting things in different directions and made it just worse and worse day by day. Also my way of showing feelings is different, so it was just bad chemestry there.

    I wanted out.

    So who am I?


    Once again I changed schools. This was the last time tho. But it wasn't easy. For almost two years I barely talked to anyone. I was quiet, shy, hiding from myself and others.
    I was there in my own room now. With my computer and my own pornography. It was worse than ever. I was becoming worse than ever, life did also.
    I was into myself so much that... People noticed me not being there just because of how REALLY quiet I was. I was so into myself, so lonely and just anti-social that it is hard to believe now that that 16 year old there was me now. Of course you have to grow up too, so with that comes in some changes, but I still believe that porn was killing my self esteem that I was already lacking badly. My life was shit. I was overweight, loser, eating chips and playing age of empires 3 for like whole summer, just fapping my self away. Swimming in my coom and wanting to die.

    But then...

    Changes hit


    And they hit hard. Me, my mother, father and two dogs had to move from house to one room.
    Don't ask why, it's basically years of heavy drinking and problems with egos... Not going to point fingers really.
    There I was. Mom drunk, laying on floor, dad drunk - laying in bed. Dogs laying next to mom, me - standing there - mad at the world. Bitter and sad. Now everyone in small town new that I had to live in this one tiny fucking room with all those problems...
    King dogshit I was.
    But it changed me. And for better.
    In some weird way I lost like 8 kilograms of weight. Was it because of me growing up? Maybe. Maybe different diet or... If that's how you call it. Maybe. Noone knows, but one thing I can be sure about - it was part of chain. I slowly started changing.
    Not always for the best, but in general I became more confident, gave less fucks and lived better life even in one tiny room with drunk parents.
    I became probably the most talkative guy in school, I was more confident, I was just... A kid again.
    No, I did not stop watching porn - but I did it less. I also realized that there is nothing I can do about this change. It just happened and that is that. I can shove it up and live with it.
    And I did.

    Not gonna go in to many details, just let's jump to that day.

    What a beautiful morning


    Woke up and grabbed my phone. Wanted to know why am I even watching porn. Started looking for benefits of porn (what an idiot) and found... Nofap!
    I straightaway started accepting the fact that I'm an porn addict and I need to save myself from it. I think I subconciously knew that I HAVE TO GROW! It's within each and one of us.
    That same evening I sat in meadow with my dog and thoughts about how I will never watch porn again.
    Same evening I watched anime with such a feel of joy like never. I felt like becoming an innocent kid again.

    After 4 days I signed up on this site and real journey began.
    I went through a lots of hard and tough moments. There were beautiful moments also. Euphoric - just paradise in it's core.
    Even after relapsing I knew that I'm doing better than the ones not knowing about nofap. I always kept it in my head - I'm blessed. People on nofap - they're blessed. We are all blessed! This is the true beauty of life - freedom from your demons!!

    Here goes things I realized while on Nofap journey:

    • Doesn't matter how many days you haven't been watching porn. Sure, strak is a good thing - but streak without strong core ain't shit. The more you know about porn addiction, the sharper your sword becomes. READ ABOUT PORN ADDICTION! EDUCATE YOURSELF!
    • Women are far more beautiful than men in some way; they are no tools at all. What they have is magic, true beauty. They are not meant to be tortured. Not by force and not by an eye.
    • Life is really beautiful even in it's darkest moments!
    • What you have between your legs is power. Not just two balls and a friend - but power! You have body, mind and soul. Use your mind to control your body and let your body make your soul happier. Don't let the lust take control over you.
    • There is no such thing as "just taking a look"; it's a relapse. Drop dead relapse! Do not take a look at something that's porn related. NEVER!
    • You don't have to look at porn at all. It's not good for you. It never was and never will be. The ones who benefit from porn are the ones that make it. Please - DO NOT SUPPORT PORN INDUSTRY BY WATCHING PORN!
    • You don't have to focus on not thinking about porn. Just think about something else. Acquire that skill of snaping from an urge into doing something creative. It's REALLY important.
    Tips on avoiding urges!
    1. Work on your mentality. Just cause you have an urge doesn't mean you have to give up.
    2. Do push ups, pull-ups - something physical. Spend your energy.
    3. Cold showers. They help facing challenges everyday.
    4. Do one of things you like doing the most everyday. Make sure it's not porn. If you like reading - read. If you like drumming - play the drums! Just do something that you really don't have to force on yourself and let it take your time and useful creative energy away!
    5. Read, read and once more - read about porn addiction. I did mention this before, however - it's often overlooked by a lots of people. Be really consistent with it. Never stop doing it. Make it a ritual. Read at least one or two posts on nofap/porn addiction a day. Just get it in your brain.
    6. Philosophy. Have it. It helps A LOT.
    7. Journaling. Journaling helps. Can't explain how, but it just... Does!
    8. Lifting weights. If you can lift something heavier thn you, then you can easily quit porn addiction. Weights are not just about physical stuff. It's also mental things that might as well help you get through this tough journey.
    9. Accept that nofap is hard. But don't get scared of it. If you're going to accept quitting porn as something easy - it won't be easy, and the fact that you lied to yourself is going to fuck up things even more.

    And finally - the benefits

    1. Improved focus
    2. Confidence
    3. Sense of innocence.
    4. Don't enjoy so called "black humor" from 9gag or shit like that. I used to laugh at fucked up stuff, cause my brain was a mess. I was messed up myself, I just couldn't care less. Not now. I think my brain becomes more ethical and closer to what it used to be when I was just a kid.
    5. More strength and stamina. I feel way better physically than ever.
    6. Not caring too much. Might as well just say confidence, but I think confidence comes from knowing your abilities. This is more not caring too much about someone laughing at your failures etc.
    7. Better mood.
    8. Clear mind. I can control what mentality comes in my brain. Fuck losers mentality. Do what you have to do to become who you want to become. Don't whine about how bad things are around you. Just enjoy what you have.
    9. Gratefulness. Really, it makes me so happy to be able to be thankful. Yes, I said it - I'm thankful for being thankful!
    10. Breathing has improved. When I was an active coomer, I had asthma. It's still there, but it's like 10 times less intense. Rarely any asthma attacks.
    11. I just want to improve myself now more and more! I want to be a man more and more! I feel like I'm spiritually growing more than ever. Clarity of mind helps a lot.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 24, 2020
  2. Guldock

    Guldock Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is so inspirational. You should really be proud of yourself!!
    This is such good advice:"

    Read, read and once more - read about porn addiction. I did mention this before, however - it's often overlooked by a lots of people. Be really consistent with it. Never stop doing it. Make it a ritual. Read at least one or two posts on nofap/porn addiction a day. Just get it in your brain.

    I do read but never thought about reading one or two posts in this forum on a daily basis in order to get the concept in my brain.
    I will do that!!

    Again, thank you for sharing your inspirational achievement!!
    hulkfresh23 and Enulv like this.
  3. Thank you! Success story reading and trying to apply part of them in your life is also really important.
    It's like reading a self-improvement book and actually applying it to your everyday life. Thanks for reading!
    Hubris86 likes this.
  4. Sergiosanz995

    Sergiosanz995 Fapstronaut


    My name is Sergio, and forgive my English. It's not my strong suit, and I use it with a translator. I am Spanish and I live in a land with many wines hehe.

    Your story has flattered me quite a bit, and I find it very inspiring. It's nice to see your story, and I'm really glad you feel that way. Unfortunately, I had thoughts of suicide because of my addiction to pornography. I thank God that I haven't killed myself yet, and that I feel better now. The gym helps me to be happier, in fact, I laugh a lot in some sports. I don't have one single experience with social life, because it has been erased because of this shit. Little by little I try to talk to others, and I have to keep improving.

    I was just a living zombie, just like that. Irritation, frustration with others, etc. Your story helps me to overcome more, and the book I can recommend is Your Brain On Porn (YBOP) by Gary Wilson. It is incredible, and I realize many things. Now I'm going for the eighth day to fight, and so far I'm doing great. Because I've realized in the moments that I relapse, and it was at night with my cell phone. So what I did with the cell phone is to limit the use so that at such a time I can't use it and it's blocked with a code that's hard to remember. Besides, I write a diary as you usually do, it works very well for me.

    So cheer up, and don't let this curse fall on you. Go ahead, and be an example. There's a phrase I made up myself: "If you want to motivate others, be the example" - Myself.

    Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version)
    baba_yaga_, Enulv and killerbr like this.
  5. Creo en ti.
    Thank you for reading, Sergio. English is not my native either, so whatever. Not a big deal. Good luck on your nofap journey ;)
    Twizza likes this.
  6. Sergiosanz995

    Sergiosanz995 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for answering me, that you speak in Spanish like me? Hehe, and thanks. Lots of encouragement on the way.
    Enulv likes this.
  7. Changeforthebest

    Changeforthebest Fapstronaut

  8. I don't speak Spanish. Just translated a phrase for contrast.
    Good luck.
    Sergiosanz995 likes this.
  9. dovrha

    dovrha Fapstronaut

    @Enulv congrats, really. Your post shows wisdom and manhood. I wish you stick around and help others understand all this. More people like you.
    Enulv likes this.
  10. Tony Corleone

    Tony Corleone Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for your post. I’m really inspired. Wishing you all the best!
    Enulv likes this.
  11. Thank you for your reply and reading this. Also, you made my day better by saying what my post showcases.
    All the best to you too!

    Thank you for reading and replying! Best wishes to you too!
    Tony Corleone likes this.
  12. Dogwood

    Dogwood Fapstronaut

    Sorry for what you've been through. It's really impressive that you're charting your own course despite such challenges. All the best. Stay strong.
    Enulv likes this.
  13. raf-is-good

    raf-is-good Fapstronaut

    So nice and inspiring, full of wisdom.

    Keep it up! Thanks!
    Enulv likes this.
  14. Asn95

    Asn95 Fapstronaut

    It’s nice to see a post that isn’t geared towards attracting women and focusing on your own well being, I wish you success and happiness
    eagle rising and Enulv like this.
  15. Thank you guys for reading and replying! I hope you guys are having good day!
  16. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

    Awesome story mate, especially resonate with benefit number 4. You clean up the media you consume, and slowly your taste in jokes or conversation changes accordingly!
    dovrha and Enulv like this.
  17. baba_yaga_

    baba_yaga_ Fapstronaut

    Wow!! Just wow.. kudos to you mate, it's really a great accomplishment. Wish I would have the will power like yours.

    I have been preparing for an entrance exam for the last 4 years, all of my friends have cleared that exam (8 out of 9, I'm the 9th). Even I have done a lot of hard work for it, I failed every time or say I gave up at the last moment.
    Initially, I thought there is something wrong with my preparation strategy but now I realized that this is due to my low self-esteem and low confidence, which is definitely caused by my PMO addiction. I have been trying to fight this addiction for a long time. Initially, I thought it wasn't an addition (i usually do it once a day) but the thing is that my brain continuously puts these images even if I have no urges, and then without having a single thought about the harm it is doing to me, I again indulge in these activities.
    But now I have gotten tired of repeating this same mistake again and again, and I really want to change it. Hope I would do it this time and crack that exam. Wish me Luck fellow warriors!!
    Enulv likes this.
  18. baba_yaga_

    baba_yaga_ Fapstronaut

    Stay strong fellow warrior, we shall overcome!!
    Thanks for mentioning the book, will read it surely...
    Sergiosanz995 and Enulv like this.
  19. Sergiosanz995

    Sergiosanz995 Fapstronaut

    That's it!
    If you can!
    baba_yaga_ likes this.

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