My wife is a better man than I am!

It has been 2, going on three, years now and I am still dealing with this bull shit of an addiction and I am afraid to say it may have cost me my marriage. I would rather have lost my job than my wife to this, but according to what she said yesterday, losing my job would have cost me her anyway. What will it take for me to be able to tell her what's really going on in my head, why I screw up and when I screw up. I read on nofap that the addiction is a symptom of the true issue within. What the fuck is the issue within that I have to face because I would give anything to figure that out if it means I would have kicked this shit to the curb and moved on with my life in a happy marriage with a beautiful wife.

She left the apartment today because of this and now i am in the apartment by myself and she is in an air BnB. A part of me hopes that she's cheating on me. I would oddly find comfort in knowing that I am not the only fuckup in the marraige. But she’s perfect and would never do that. If she did she would be justified in cheating whereas I can’t get my shit together for a woman that has done nothing but love and care for me from day 1. So why is it that I can't come clean to the person that I feel the most comfortable with regarding anything else. Perhaps it is the fear of my current circumstances becoming a reality. Catch 22. If I knew that this fear would lead to where I am now perhaps I would just tell her the truth since that is not something I have ever truly done. In which case, I don't really know what the end result of that would be. All I have to go off of is the day she found transgendered person porn in my phone smh. And believe it or not...this is actually worse than that moment. Why couldn't my dad have been addicted to anything else...or just no addiction at all. I'm over here drinking while writing this. Who knows where this might lead. Still I would prefer that addiction over this...All I ever do is fall asleep when I drink...How bad could that be right? I'm be facetious and mean no disrespect to the AA community. My apologies.

When I start searching for things, why doesn't her name flash over my head? Why do I always choose a few seconds of pleasure over what could be a lifetime of that. I take her for granted. I really do. Almost as if I expect her to just come back to me every time I screw up. I really don't deserve her. Now I’m here and I am scrambling to think of how I can show her that I care for her and that I am serious about getting clean of this addiction. I have to accept my current situation as it is and know that she may never come back. Even if she does she won't come back the same and I will have been on my last straw with her. My fear in the latter is that, even after 2 years, I still feel like I will fail in being honest. Even after going through this I feel like I will make the same mistake after a few weeks of being clean if she decides to let me back in intimately.

That's why I have to do this for myself. Doing it for her gets me nowhere. Once I get her back, the thought of continuing becomes pointless because I would have already won her back. If I do it for me I will understand that this is an ongoing battle that will never end and that I will have to always fight. If I truly understand this to be a fight for myself and not a fight for her I will never let my guard down..even if she lets me back in. Until I realize this...I will always fail. So then what's stopping me from going all the way with this. Ultimately what it might mean for me If I do. I will have to give up a lot of things. Maybe even give up this job honestly. I am surrounded by computers everyday...literally temptation everywhere...what do I expect to do just install covenenteyes on any computer I am working on? That is silly….Idk...maybe I am being over the top and I just need to get serious and take this a day at a time like they say in SAA. How can I say I love someone when I hurt them constantly? And for the love of GOD...why do I lie when I am just going to tell the truth when it's too late and make shit worse for me??? Why the hell is this a habit that I have formed?

I am so dumb man I really am. Most of all I am just a coward that needs to be a Man about this and own up to my shit because I am the only one getting in the way of my success. Not my dad, or my insatiable curiosity that drives me to find holes around every wall I put up to prevent myself from watching things. It’s all me. Sometimes I wish I were not tech savvy. Fighting this addition would be so much easier If I just didn't know my way around a computer. SMH….I just need to get it together...More now than ever before in life. My dad did leave me with one bit of truth before he passed….”This porn thing is going to ruin your life”. Perhaps I’ll tattoo this to my right hand so I’ll have something to prevent me from acting out all the way next time….That was a joke...but seriously...The journey continues I suppose.