Nearly 2 years of freedom

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Deleted Account, Jan 2, 2016.

  1. Since it is a very good time of the year to start new resolutions, I wanted to share with you how my journey has been:

    First and foremost: I am 19 years old. I started my attempts of no PMO when I was 13, I relapsed at different stages: 1month, 2, 4 and even 9 !

    My successful attempt was in 2014 when I finally was able to take control of myself on hard mode no PMO. I am a muslim and some people call me conservative because I practice my religion. Anyway, I believe in no sex before marriage, and the reasons why I am on hard more range from religious to personal to social. I lived all my life in a muslim majority country but now I am in Canada since August 2015.

    So first, I challenge myself, with a great rush for change and said that I am gonna change completely my life and I felt full of willpower and strength. This state lasted less than a week for me. Then my brain realized what I was trying to take away from him, and it reacted aggressively, giving me urges and thoughts sometimes so intense I felt like my life depended on PMO, usually this is where I relapsed. so basically no more than 3 weeks.

    Then comes the first no PMO month where I felt full of self control and the benefits were apparent: I knew I was able to control myself to the point I got to one month. As my self confidence increased, so the emotions I was hiding throughout my addiction, sometimes I felt angry for no reason, sometimes I cried, sometimes I was over joyed. I still remember how it felt to be in the 2nd month with very negative and bad thoughts then very good « i can do it » kind of feelings. everything seemed to be okay in the very 3rd month, the 90 days completed I was at the top of my recovery. The negative voices were still there but it now on turn out to be a different speech, it told me that I was able to watch tv shows and movies with naked/love scenes and be strong enough to not masturbate, it told me that « Everybody does it at least ! » Arriving to 100 days, life was different, because all the supposed amazing changes I had to have in my life were already a part of myself, and since then it was the beginning of a new phase, a very slow processed phase were urges came very very slowly and at different moments, it’s no more the « I can’t live without it » urges, these were very different ones very subtle and sometimes hurtful, because they always came with life questioning thoughts. Like: I am in class and I see someone who seem like a very perseverant student and I start comparing myself and thoughts came like « you wasted all your teenage with PMO, look at yourself ! you’ll never be able to bring back that wasted time again, you better go masturbate instead, because that’s all you do good anyway. » And because this was very present, I had moments were I went back to porn (without M). Slowly but surely my mind was putting all the possible arguments and reasons for me to masturbate. I remember one week, my life was a mess and I have had all the excuses to possibly masturbate, but I didn’t, and I can tell you, those are the moments were I felt better way after. I wish I could tell you that it all went good from then, but life is a struggle right? The more stressful my life got the louder were the voices inside my head. but then it went away after one year. All those « go masturbate » voices became so weak that now I can firmly say that I won’t masturbate again. Now, honestly I became used to all the 90days changes, that I can barely remember how it feels to masturbate and orgasm. Of course wet dreams are here but life had shifted in another direction for me, but I still cannot say that my PMO addiction ended, because it had 4 layers:

    1. Starring: I have a staring habit and I know it all started from there. I am getting over it since the beginning of this year.
    2. Masturbation and Orgasm: Over it since Jan 19th 2015
    3. Porn: Over it since March 19th 2015
    4. Webcam sex: in recovery since March 19th 2015

    As I said in my last story, my addiction to webcam sex began 2 years after porn, and something very strong came in and it is called advantage addiction. I was desired and my body was attractive to some random strangers who wanted to masturbate in front of it. I’ve never been in a relationship and being desired suddenly like that was blinding for me. I was addicted to porn, now I felt like a part of it. And in case you’re wondering how come I didn’t masturbate, it is because the urge of masturbating for me was already mastered, but just to show myself all naked was a dopamine rush. I can say that I went through the same stages as my masturbation and porn addiction: at first I felt like the strongest, but then other voices came in during those past few months, and I discovered my purpose: working and taking action against those constant doubts and feelings and unworthiness, always proving to myself that I am only defined by those voices if I decide to follow them, otherwise they only stand still and get weaker in my head. Now I am very close to one year of no webcam sex, but at the same time I realized something else: it all started with my staring habit, and this is what I am working on for this new year. No more Psubs, no more watching music videos, no more movies with sex scenes, no more staring at random girls, or at least not deliberately. This is my new challenge, this is my next level.

    My advice for you is not to fool yourself by thinking that your life will be all new and free of inner problems once you learn how to control yourself. At the end of the day, we’re all humans with unsatisfied egos who always crave for more and life is an ever ending growing process. Also, moments of doubts and relapses are part of the process, just don’t give up ! If you feel like you’re out of control that means that somewhere there is pain and you need to listen to yourself and find out where is the source of the pain. I remember when I was recovering from porn, I noticed that love was a very important tool for recovery so I asked all my family, directly, to start expressing verbally their love for me, and so I did for them also. Take action but still don’t be so harsh on yourself.

    I invite you to reach out to me whenever you want with any questions you have. I know how hard it is and how lonely it feels sometimes, and you don’t have to go through this by yourself ! ;)

    Note: These are my own reflections and thoughts on my journey so far. What I said is just a reflexion on my personal journey.
  2. yuri_ sing

    yuri_ sing Fapstronaut

    Nice entry. Keep up the good work
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2016
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

    Great post bro!!!

    Although, I kind of disagree with some point. Sure, your life wont be new in a moment and you still will have at the end of the day unsatisfied ego - actually thats what I talk about all the time. It is not magical wand that will change your life thats has been spent in front of PC.

    It is a fuel! It can help you in the process of seeing life from other perspective and it is a kick to the reality! At the end of the day, you say to yourself, another day in control, I can and should be proud of myself. And this will help you with self-esteem, self-esteem will help you to act normally in the society, acting normally (menly) can help to approach a girl in the shop or on the street in a natural way, you can have afterwards very nice fulfilling relationship with her... you see my point! It is the first step on the upward spiral! This is why we do it I guess.
  4. I totally get your point. :)
    Personally, approaching girls is maybe the result of our inner hard work, but it isn't why we're all doing it I guess. Everybody's intention in this group is unique, and that's what makes it strong: we can relate with different stories and we can learn from others.
    I think that confident people who are okay with themselves get noticed easily, whether you're a man or a woman, your aura changes without you noticing, and that's what we all want I think. However, I don't think this craving for confidence should be driven by the need to please to the opposite sex, otherwise we're doing it for the wrong reason.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. cud

    cud Fapstronaut

    That was just a example. The important is the Upward spiral ;) - whatever we see up there. Whenever it is trimmed body, getting our shit together, proving we can do it, new hobby.. whatever it is.

    And yes, we are all unique. I guess we all have started somehow - there was a start point, point where we realized that and the point we start from. In my case It was a ruined RS, so it is always in my mind.. but as you said, we have all different approach - the goal is the same though :) - NOFAP!
  6. Dogwood

    Dogwood Fapstronaut

    Congratulations on your courage and progress. Just a word...internet porn watching is probably more risky than occasional masturbation. So if you're going to slip...chose masturbation without sexual fantasy: How do I masturbate without porn? (Not trying to tempt you, just to warn you that today's online porn is very addictive because it offers endless novelty. Occasional masturbation isn't as addictive.)

    Also, the mood swings you suffered after quitting are a normal part of withdrawal for many ex-users. What does withdrawal from porn addiction look like?

    Anyway, well done!
  7. A.ARN

    A.ARN Fapstronaut

    hello bro, I am muslim too and I have the same religious, personal and social resons for No PMO, and I believe also it all started by the starring habbit which I started controlling over it after startinig rebooting by few days, but I still stucked to this habbit which I pray to god I could stop soon. thank you bro for your post and I hope I coudl follow your steps soon :)
    goodboy1 likes this.
  8. bearbones

    bearbones Fapstronaut

    Hey great job, Zack, congratulations and thank you so much for sharing your insights and perspective! I found your post very helpful, especially the part about the pitfall you fell into with the webcam thing. I think many of us crave attention (especially from the opposite sex) and its interesting to see how it manifests in peoples' lives. I'm glad your faith is strong and that you're committed to your path. It seems like as we conquer our faults and habits, and as we come to know ourselves and God on a deeper level, we find new challenges and new ways to grow from difficulties. I wish you the best my brother, keep on keeping on and thank you for your help
    goodboy1 likes this.
  9. goodboy1

    goodboy1 Fapstronaut

    You are an inspiration for me brother. Your post is very much helpful. I hope someday I can became like u.
  10. It's good to see you're still going strong Zack. :)
    goodboy1 likes this.