Need some advice on rebooting while married

Ideally, given the issues with deathgrip, I would say it would be good to abstain from MO completely. However, your situation is indeed interesting.

Personally, I can't help but advise you to tell your wife everything. As a wife, I have to say, and I will say this a billion times until men finally start to believe it, if that's possible, honesty is so much more important than perfection. People tend to not believe that no matter how many time women say it, but it really is true. I would say that an open and frank discussion is the best way to go, here, though it will be hard and probably hurtful.

However, if you're unwilling to do that, I would say that if she doesn't get to have answers, then avoiding MOing together, if that's something you guys do often, would be very confusing for her and probably even hurtful. If there's no explanation for it, and if you're not willing to talk about the truth, then I would say it's unfair to take that away from her and you should probably just go ahead and do it. I personally think that's not a good plan for your recovery, but with the position you're in, thinking about your wife's feelings here, this is the only option I can think of that wouldn't be confusing and hurtful, aside from the truth.

Good luck, dear! I wish the best for you and your lady.

 

When you say mutual mo, so you mean you each masturbate yourselves next to each other? Why do you chose to do that instead of sex? Or touching each other?

You say you don't have an open sexual relationship, I'd say it's pretty open if you're mo ing in front of each other. That's pretty open. I don't think I could mo in front of my husband.

Anyway, I believe that doing that instead of doing stuff to each other is damaging your sexual relationship. That is something you should discuss. Perhaps it will make you more open about sex. At the moment you're both avoiding the issue and it will only get worse. Just my opinion.

 

One note I have to say, as a woman: I totally understand your desire not to hurt your wife, but please understand that by not being open and honest with her, you're hurting her MORE. Trust me, I am a wife of a man who was not being open and honest with me about this stuff, and when I found out about some things, I was upset about the sexual stuff, sure, but I was devastated about the lying and the secrets. The lying and the secrets is the part that made me consider breaking up (we were engaged at the time) because I didn't know if I could trust him anymore. The longer you aren't open with her, the worse this is going to get.

Just because you don't see the pain and the hurt doesn't mean it isn't there. If you bring all this to light, she is certainly going to be upset and hurt and probably in pain, but keeping it from her is hurting her more, you just don't have to deal with the emotional side of things. Think of it like a parent who won't let his kid play with the stovetop... the kid is going to yell and scream and cry and hate the parent for taking away their awesome toy, but the parent can handle watching that heartache because they know it's only temporary and that this will be better for them in the long run. It's the same with your wife. Your marriage is going to be better in the long run if you have open communication about everything in your life and your heart, trust me. That level of intimacy and openness is worth some temporary heartache.

 

Super important thing that I forgot to mention in my last message: you definitely don't have to tell her all the gorey details! And in fact, you probably shouldn't! The important thing is to have the conversation. Remember that conversations flow naturally and in ways you might not anticipate, so while it's good to have somewhat of a plan, your plan might go right out the window. Just be prepared to be honest and open, but it's perfectly acceptable, in my opinion, not to share everything. It would even be acceptable, if she asks a question you think she might not want to know the answer to, to tell her, "I'm okay with being open with you if you want, but I don't think answering that question would be beneficial for you."

I totally feel for you in this. It's part of why I advise having the conversation as soon as possible, because I know the longer you wait, the harder it will be. For me, I don't really have a ton of advise here. My husband told me about his experience with porn before we even started officially dating, so I had the opportunity to really decide if our relationship was something I was up to investing in. That was very kind and considerate of him, and I know that was difficult. He did have to admit to me, a few months after promising to never PMO again and setting up porn blockers on his computer that alerted me when he failed, that he had found another old computer in his house and had been using that to watch porn for a few months. That was... not gonna lie... one of the most painful times in my life. But the thing is, the pain was largely centered on the hurt of being lied to, so that's a great reason to have the conversation.

But seriously, I feel for you so much. I can't imagine having to have this conversation. But please remember... and I say this in love with no judgement... that it's your own fault you're in this situation. I know that's tough sometimes to really accept, but it's true, and your wife deserves better than that. So yes, it'll be tough, but that's the price we have to pay for our screw ups.

I just wanna say that it's great that you two know what works for you and what your boundaries are. It's not the job of any of us here to judge you or your wife for your sexual preferences. It doesn't matter if it sounds dysfunctional to outsiders. If you guys are happy together and respect each other's boundaries, that sounds healthy and great to me. But again, it doesn't really matter what I think anyway.

 

I wish you didn't either, dear, truly. It's undoubtedly going to be painful and difficult. You'll be in my prayers for sure. I really hope for the best for both of you, that her heart will be prepared to receive the news and that you'll have the courage to share it and the wisdom to do it in the right way at the right time.

And it doesn't sound like an excuse at all. That's a big deal and, assuming you're implying that she's pregnant at the moment, a very emotional time. Probably not the best time to be dropping a bomb like that. That's the awesome thing about marriage though. You have your whole lives to work through these things together. It doesn't have to happen today. The only thing that needs to happen today is progress and loving your lady.

 

Against the grain, but I'm going to say that now is NOT the time for you to tell her. She's about to have a baby, and going from one to two kids is a big shock - for you and for her. Telling her to unburden yourself is selfish. I think you should carry this alone a little longer, and show your remorse in devoting yourself as much as possible to supporting her with the kids.

I understand you wanting to start fresh and make good, but I cannot see how telling her now would be good for your marriage. Worst case scenario is that you could lose all. Just hang in there, for now, doing this challenge and making the changes you need to in yourself. Being pregnant is a vulnerable time, and giving her reason to doubt you now could be very detrimental to her health.

I wish you good luck

 

She's pg! I normally tell guys to tell their wife but in this case she doesn't need the stress.IMO.
Sex is the best option. If that's an option.

 

I just posted this on another thread but i think it apply's here. I am in a similar situation where I do not want to tell my spouse however I want to be on the nofap bus if im going to be on it. Take it for what its worth. The punchline is I think if you are being intimate with your spouse you probably are not in the wrong. Now talking to her about nofap and all the other stuff... as of now im not sharing that with her, but thats me...

Addicts often tend to have a strong "all or nothing" thought process which is considered in the psycho-therapy world (worked at a drug rehab for 3 years) a cognitive disorder. myself included
Example:
1. alcoholic drinks a beer for the first time in 3 months. Instead of saying "aw shiz i cant believe i did that let me call my sponsor (AP)", the thought is "well i guess i F'd up already might as well go to town".

2. A more applicable example to PMO would be a opiate addict who goes to the emergency room after a car accident and feels like they relapsed because they were given a morphine drip for a day or two. Is that really relapsing? No. That's what morphine is for, extreme pain! and might i add it was under doctors super vision. Now if that same person takes the all or nothing approach they may find themselves saying F** it I relapsed might as well shoot up (heroin reference) for the rest of the weekend, NOW that is relapse.

In a situation like this, i say if you really feel like going hard is the only way to do it, the do it damn it! Do it 100%. However, if you are in a monogamous relationship, and sex is a part of that relationship it may be worth considering that to be similar to being on a morphine drip after a car accident. That's what sex drive/orgasm is for, intimacy in a relationship, and so forth.

Im a new guy on NoFap so i may be spewing stuff that has already been said before, or is considered taboo in the NoFap community and if thats the case I apologize, but thats my 2 cents.