Never Getting Anywhere

I see people posting about feeling awful after relapse after going a certain amount of days. A lot of these streaks are longer than anything I could even dream of. I can definitely understand how awful it might feel to relapse after 45 days. And then I think about my own PMO addiction, and the fact that I have a very hard time even going 1 day without. I've only been awake for two hours and I've already relapsed twice. I realize that there are people with a more severe PMO addiction than me, but I also feel that mine certainly is on the more severe side as well. My head is a mess and I'm not good at suffering through it all. But even though I do PMO, I still end up suffering.

I have taken some steps recently to try and beat this horrible addiction and overcome a lot of the mental illness I deal with. First of all, I now have an AP who I message with every day. This individual and myself seem to have a good dialogue. I also have started an antidepressant for my OCD, depression and anxiety. Granted, there have been some side effects I'm not crazy about, which is why I stopped previous antidepressants I had tried. But I'm going to try to hang in there with it and see what happens. I've also scheduled some appointments with a therapist and am hoping to get in next week if he gets some cancellations. I'll be looking to do CBT.

But despite these new things I've done, I honestly wonder if I can turn this around at this point. My addiction is pretty severe and with my mental health issues and lack of stability, I just don't have a lot of faith in myself. Additionally, I am so tired of being alone that it really hurts my soul to be alone every night. I live at home with my mom (I'm almost 29...), and it's nice to have some socialization there, but besides that I am pretty much by myself most of the time. I want to have a romantic partner so bad. Someone who I can be dedicated to. I've never had a true girlfriend. And I do worry that any rational woman wouldn't want to give me a chance once they find out about my lack of intimacy experience (and additional issues). It's just hard sometimes to find the motivation to keep going when I really feel like I may not be able to overcome this. And the loneliness is a slow-burning, soul-sucking thing.

I am sorry for this post, because I imagine it comes off as whiney, but I just felt like I needed to post this.

 

I'm sorry for your struggles. Yeah, this quarantine has certainly been making things a lot harder. I really wish the best for you and hope you can stay strong, just as I am trying to do myself. If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out.

Yeah, I'm trying to hang in there. I just feel like I really am in a screwed up place. I think what also bothers me is how much I've struggled with mental health stuff throughout my life, and with the fact that life is getting harder, I feel like beating this is going to be extremely difficult. Due to the hypofrontality stuff, I have a very hard time fighting the urges. Sometimes it's hard to keep the faith and think that things are going to get better.