New Chapter, Last Chapter

I turned 65 this year.

I've been a freelance writer and filmmaker since 1986, and hooked on porn in one form or another, and to varying degrees, since my late 20s. At first it was magazines and tapes. And then, of course, came the internet in the late 90s, and ubiquitous high-speed access the 2000s.

It hasn't all been a valley. There have been mountaintops, too. Coming clean with my wife, and two kids in their late teens, and experiencing their acceptance and love. Coming out to the small church where I was a worship leader, and being forgiven and loved there as well. Being a part of the 12-step group Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) for many years, and sharing in the struggles of the men and women there.

But there's been way too many wide, dark valleys, too many wasted hours (thousands), and too much self-loathing.

So here I am at the beginning of the last chapter, the climax and denouement of my life: possibly more obsessed with pornography and masturbation than ever before, needing ever-darker material to take me over the edge.

But once again, the mountaintops beckon. Even though my retirement income is limited (really limited), I have the freedom to do what I want. I am nearly finished the second draft of a science fiction novel for teens. I am exploring new directions in filmmaking and photography. I am part of an artists' collective in a small town, and surrounded by creative, younger people. And most important, I still love, and am loved by, my wonderful, understanding partner of 45 years, a woman who knows my struggles with porn and loves me anyway. And I have two wonderful, grown-up kids who are close to me and know my kinks (even if now so well as my wife does).

These are the ingredients of a potentially great final chapter, one that give the whole story of my life shape and meaning. In that connection, an anecdote: While listening to a Christian radio station recently (a habit from my days as a believer, days that have been over for a decade), I heard someone suggest that death, without a belief in god, robs life of all meaning. As someone who no longer believes in a personal god, nor subscribes to the beliefs of Christianity about redemption and the hope of eternal life, I had to ask myself if my own life was meaningless in the face of my approaching death.

And I had an epiphany of sorts. Not a philosophy-grade insight, but an understanding of something at a personal level: Death, that approaching wall, absolutely DOES gives meaning to my life, in the same way every story worth hearing needs an end to make it mean anything. What's a story without an end? A soap opera.

Instead, I want a solid, satisfying end that reflects the themes I love in stories: people connect, dreams are fulfilled, light triumphs over darkness. For me, that means valuing real people and relationships far above bits and bytes on a screen, as alluring as they may be. That means ensuring that my dreams of modest creativity - a novel series, really good photos and video - are what drive me and give me life, not the unattainable "dreams" (nightmares, really) of sex and power. And finally, that means I want my story's end to be, not about darkness, concealment and shame, but about light, transparency, self-awareness and self-acceptance.

And that's why I'm here, now, on this forum, on Day 3 of a 90-day reboot. I need to make some changes in order to wrap up my narrative the way I want to, and I think this community represents the best chance I have.

 

NewLife101,
Sorry to be so late replying. I've been away from email for while. Thanks for the encouraging comment. I'm still hanging in on day 6. But I can hear rumblings in the back of my brain. Trying to read NoFap stories and tips morning and evening.