New &Embarrassed.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Lot Yanisin, May 6, 2019.

  1. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

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    So yeah... here I am. New.

    Told myself for a while "it's gotta stop"... considered NoFap for a while... then the self loathing hurt too much.

    Religious background which makes it more painful. Not, no hellfire worries... just feeling hypocritical..and not strong enough. Also the number of people that relish in a person of faith having "issues" angers me... it takes quite the dedication and will power...and to know people out there hope for your downfall to create ridicule... smh

    I'm digressing.

    I can't lead others in a clean conscious if this keeps coming up. It's been something for years.... scrambled porn channels 25+ years back... premium channel watching while parents were asleep and checking out in newspaper TV guides if it may contain nudity...

    stumbling into my cousins XXX VHS stash...going to his apartment when he was gone to watch.... even at college... sitting in the back of computer labs...downloading them to floppy disks (remember those?)... just to get some relief.

    I've "done it" to lots of things... even categories I wouldn't have fathomed in my late teens or early 20s...

    then my late 20s hit...and early 30s... family life boredom... I needed excitement...and would seek it.

    I'll cut it short...I'm sure there's a bunch of threads to contribute to..or probably new ones to create (maybe a journal too) about it...

    I've taken initiative into finding out how to "do NoFap right".... couldn't find it...so I figured... "Ok, I guess....you just stop it. And go cold turkey with urges and no particular game plan..."

    So far that's what I've been doing. It's going to be almost 3 weeks I believe.
    Last two days have been difficult.

    Erections are a lot better than before (I got lucky like 3 times.... 3 1/2 if you count sucky-sucky).

    But I feel as if though I have so much pent up sexual energy/frustration.... keeping celibant before matrimony can do that and being a dad crazy fast, too.... then being in 2nd place...and then 3rd place (another kiddo)....

    Maybe it's an early mid-life crisis (Jesus that sounds old AF).

    So anyway, yeah... 3 weeks.... last two days difficult...

    I was looking at pretty chicks online... then happened to wonder if this one waitress a guy I know had a one night stand with was online at her job's website... then I remembered a club I went to nearby... checked out the site...

    why the hell was that? Waitresses/servers... perform also... short shorts, fishnet stockings... thick butts...twerkin'.. smoking hookah... started catching myself watching like 9 clips.... then realized "whoa crap, don't fall for it... you've come a long way."

    Then turned it off.

    But even now while working... just... wanting some kind of intimate female connection... and it doesn't have to be the romance kind... XXX has f'ed me up likely. And I've been thinking about doing the nasty as hell things I've seen just to feel alive and liberated.

    Confessional... I'm sure some of you dudes have done it...
    Check out the women's section of NoFap... and fantasy briefly about DM sliding
    and hookin' up.

    Yup. I hate this.

    (religious self imposed shame will ground me a bit. I know sex is a natural function...it's just--by my faith--it has ground rules. Sometimes jealous of unreligious/atheist people...there's no worry of God's approval... just knock-your-socks-off. Lucky mofos. I crave that 'blue pill' many a time.)

    I was doing so good, too :(

    Ok. That's about it for intros.

    Hoping to make it to week 4 and for my mind to be clean of the accumulated images over the years and several "dang, I could've had her" times on business travel.
     
  2. Thistimeitsfinal

    Thistimeitsfinal Fapstronaut

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    Clearly you want to quit, but need tips and advice, and there will be lots. So here is mine, take what you want from it, we are all different but I feel the need to share my "2 cents worth". I am also a Christian, attend church regularly and am a respected member. So I too feel the guilt and am ashamed of what I have done and put my wife through. But we can and do ask for forgiveness and it will be given, but we are also given some common sense and that tells us to try harder!
    Perhaps going all out "hard mode" for 90 days may be a thought? It is working for me so far, because every time I tried to give up it was the "chaser effect" after regular sex that got me back at the masturbating addiction within a few days. And that in turn triggers the P or as in my case, the PSUB habit. The theory is that your brain can "reboot" when going "hard mode" with no PMO. Either way, stick it out and we are all here to cheer you on. It is worth it.
     
    Lot Yanisin likes this.
  3. I encourage you to read Psalm 73.
     
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  4. petros1982

    petros1982 Fapstronaut

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    Lot,
    Your story sounds a bit like my own. I would like to offer my view on some of your introduction, hopefully some of it may help.
    Firstly, well done for getting here and for posting such an open start. Beginning your journey with 3 weeks on the clock already is excellent.

    I also struggled with the change in priorities once kids entered the equation. I'm still working it out, but it strikes me now that the opportunity to humbly serve my family is a great blessing. "For it is the one who is least among you who is greatest."
    However, part of my journey is realising that I need to stand up and define the person that I am and the person I am aiming at being. This includes understanding that I have needs. These are better met head on and addressed in as healthy a way as I can manage. This initially seems self centred until you stand back and realise that the respect you generate for yourself benefits those around you also.
    This was a key realisation for me. I would ask if maybe this generalises to "wanting connection" for you?
    What options have you got for meeting this need outside of sex/PMO?

    I've been there brother. I've struggled with the "is it wrong or not?" question. Ultimately I refer to Paul's statement "All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful". I think the higher standard is intended for our good. When we walk this out we will reach a place where we see the discipline we have undertaken as a great gift. You have taken this road on in faith and I respect you for that. I get glimpses of where this all leads and I have great hope for those of us on this this journey. I believe that this is a beautiful, gritty and powerful tool for self knowledge.
    May you have strength, discernment and self control today Lot. Keep coming back.
     
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  5. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

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    Good Psalm. Forgot about that one. I've read it before... lesson on not envying the "unsavory actions" of others... which I certainly have been doing when it comes to (this may sound 1960s/1970) "sexual liberation"...

    Thank you.
     
  6. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

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    Appreciate you, man.

    Fortunately I haven't caved in... I flirted with some material...(looked at a social media page of a club I went to where the women servers are... aye yai yai and they do all sorts of 'things').... I did do that two times..but after like 3 minutes was like "Ok, stop. You're gonna goof up." (no nudity or sex in it btw)

    I like your point about it being the best time in one's life to show servitude to family and faith. That's a good point. Wish I thought of that to chill out sooner.

    With my then girlfriend....wow.... loooooooots of pent up sex energy. Never lived together. Never did "the deed" and that was YEARS. Then finally...marriage...and in like barely 3 months I think "I'm pregnant"....

    I feel like I've been getting 'looser' if you will (not with her...just in anything online...or offline when I'm out) because of making up for lost time. Kinda like when a girl becomes a teen-mom at 17...then when she's 33 is trying to make up for her 20s and act nutty? Yeah... concerned about a male version of that for me

    [digressing, sorry. i'm typing from the top of the head as thoughts enter]

    A major major issue as far as taking the matter head on with the misses....

    I'm going to sound like a dickhead.... let me just get that out the way...

    The physical attraction is..... eh. I know I know.... two kids can change a person's body and priority to get in shape but..... my "member" isn't convinced. (probably thanks to years of XXX...dammit)

    She'll say things like "I feel fine" or "things are ok, aren't they?"....... and the times I shared my feelings...this overwhelming sense of "dude, you're super needy...selfish...and way out there hoping to have a sex life like XXX even if it is all fantasy la-la-land fake stuff."

    But the thing is.... I want that. It looks like it feels amazing as hell and you're king of the world.
     
  7. petros1982

    petros1982 Fapstronaut

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    I hear you. it can be very personal and scary to talk about the expectations and desires that we have ended up with. I guess for me, right now, I'm much more interested in understanding some of the other needs/desires I have in life, such as time quietly taking in nature, one on one time with my wife focused on friendship, one on one time with my kids, time with friends, creative activities like drawing, Lego, writing, fitness/sport, etc.
    I feel that if I can acknowledge and satisfy some of these needs, then the PMO won't be required in the times where lack of self care is the issue. It still leaves the addictive element and it's by no means a get clean quick scheme, but I believe it's worth it.
    Remember that your brain has been shaped by porn use. Right now porn is offering cocaine and she's offering a steak dinner. One is really exciting, but the other is nourishing. You may not be able to know what you truly want until the reward circuits that PMO is feeding have been starved for a while.
     

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