Hello everyone, I am Jeremy and I am new to NoFap. I am currently 24 years old and have been struggling with pornography since i was 12 or 13 (can't remember exactly). I have been married for almost 2 years now and my wife who is my number one supporter in the ongoing fight. We've been together for 8 years and she found out about my pornography a few months in to our relationship. I still used and it was alright for the first 6 months and then it started to bother her so that was the first time I tried to quit. With the help of a youth pastor I managed to last 9 months and then fell off the wagon and ever since then porn has only made my life a big mess. It wasn't until I guess early last year that things started to get really bad. I had tried without success to stay away and had off and on continued to use but at this time was when it really began to screw up my new marriage. I has gotten to the point where I would lie to my wife when she would ask me if I was looking at porn because I was afraid of getting yelled at or put down more than I already felt about using in the first place. So I would use when she was not around and lie to her but we also stopped having sex because I used and never felt like having sex. To my shame, this really hurt her self image and made her feel like I did not like her or care about her which was not true. It then got to a point where I was trying to be honest with her thinking maybe I could manage my use and our sex life but obviously was not smart because as expected nothing changed. That continued on until 3 weeks ago when I finally realized how damaging this had been to her and how big an ass I had been. So I've been clean for 3 weeks and 2 days as of this post but I must admit I am struggling a lot right now. I have begun to dream of watching porn and waking up feeling like I actually had. It also seems to be messing with me head because I can see such vivid thoughts in my head of porn whenever I am bored and it just makes me want to screw everything up without regard for my wife or myself. I really am lost as to what to do about these things because honestly I watched porn when I was not even horny, I just watched because I liked to when I was bored. I know I am not painting a pretty picture of myself and trust me I have a lot of shame in my heart for all times I've done it to myself and to my wife. I really am a kind, caring person or I try to be; it is just a really hard thing to stop as I am sure all of you reading this know. That is my story though and any advice or thoughts you share I would be grateful to hear. Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from someone. Jeremy Bullock
Major, major props, Jeremy, for coming here. This is the place for you. Nothing in your experience is unusual for lots of us here. Yes, you are kind and caring--and must begin to be more so toward yourself and your dear wife. Love and caring are shown in NO other way than by action. So that is your major motivation. Spend some time and think of other reasons why you want to/must quit this slavery. Maybe your wife can add some, too. In addition, fill in the blanks: As a Man who no longer PMOs, I will be... I will feel... I will be able to... My wife will say that I... Give these some "good" fantasizing. It's very helpful to get frequent exercise. Make yourself sweat! Maybe you can partner with your wife or a friend (male). Also, cold showers!! They help reduce your lust and clear your brain fog. Lots of guys testify to this. Jeremy, do NOT make the mistake of letting sexual dreams (incl. wet ones) trouble you. They have, IMO, only "good" significance--they're a way of your memory discharging this stuff from your subconscious. And it does not matter what the content of the dream is, or how nasty or porny. You have no responsibility for them. No wet or other sexual dream ever breaks your clean streak or sets you back in any way. Go to bed when your wife does. Get out of bed in the a.m. when she does. Use porn blockers, such as k9 (Google it--it's free). Have your wife set and keep the password. Contact your phone provider to set controls on it. Do not bring you phone into the bathroom. Can you tell your wife the whole, general story of your PMO addiction, right up to the present, incl. your determination to use her and this site to help stop? Would you feel comfortable sharing your posts/journal with her? Is there any man at church you could share this with who can be an additional support? You also must know that there are many Christian boys and men who suffer as you do. Brother, you cannot prevent yourself from seeing other hot women everywhere in "real" life, on "innocent" tv, internet, movies. But you definitely can control taking a loooong look or fantasizing! That's a good time to substitute good thoughts and fantasies. For me, Jeremy, my faith was a huge factor in getting/staying pure. And so for you, too. You believe that God designed and created you to be His "beloved son." He has an image in His heart of you as an honorable, noble Man, husband, and maybe dad. As much as you want to be free, He wants it even more, and He will make it happen IF you want it and strive, with His help, to achieve it. Bless you and your wife, brother. Post often, and do a lot of reading here. Ask anything, anytime. Talk later. Peace. Mike
