New here , PMO for 20 years. Any advice welcomed.

[joe59]

Hi, I am a 50 year old and I think I suffer from PIED. Any advice would be appreciated.

I do not find having straight sex with a woman arousing at all or very interesting and have problems maintaining a strong "hard" erection. I am not aroused by the sight of a naked woman at all.

I am very aroused by woman dressing up in pencil skirts, high heels & suspenders like stewardess's, teachers or secretaries where their looks become totally irrelevant to me. If they are dressed right, I would want to have sex with them. I have had this since school. I just want to pull their skirt up & have sex with them. She would also have to act "slutty" like those woman in porn videos as one would say to hold my interest.

I do watch porn from time to time but I do not think I am addicted to it. I do think of woman dressed up as described all the time and masturbate almost daily to those thoughts. I now have strong urges to MO again as it has now been 25 days since my last PMO.

Do you think the ED comes from watching porn? What would be the best course of action for me to get aroused by "normal" straight sex without having her have to dress up or act "slutty" for me?

 

[Shadow_Monk]

Hi Joe, welcome to the group. I'm not sure I have the answers to all your questions, but if your goal is to have a more healthy sex life, this is a good place to do that. I completely get your fetish/kink - I share it, and always have as long as I can remember. I find women sexier with clothes on than off. I don't think that's a problem in and of itself, but if its the only way you're aroused, then yeah, you might want to fix that.

There are all types of addicts here. Some like me are P and M addicts, some just P addicts, some just M addicts. It sounds like you may fall into the latter category if you're used to masturbating daily. I don't have enough info to figure out if you have PIED or not (well, that, and I'm not a doctor - just an Internet weirdo). But it sounds like you could have some porn-induced symptoms. Let me ask this - you said you masturbate daily... how many times would you say you masturbate in a week and how many minutes or hours would you say you spend masturbating and/or watching porn in a week? That may help give some insights.

The best course of action is probably to do a complete reboot - no P, M, or O for the full 90 days or until your libido and performance goes back to normal. Everybody does the process differently, and you've got to find your own way, but that's my two cents worth. I also always recommend starting a reboot log and setting a short-term goal you can work on achieving, like "not one peek at P" today. Good luck brother, I hope to hear more from you soon.

 

[Delta Tango]

Welcome to the community.

I'm not so sure that you necessarily have a problem with your fetish from a strict perspective. If YOU have an issue with it and want to broaden your horizon then that's a different issue. Let me put it another way. I love fat women and I have a fetish for certain features that they have, but none greater than "chub rub". Yeah, weird, right? But get this: I find it very difficult to be turned on by a woman who does not have chub rub. I'm also not turned on by slim women in any way shape or form. BUT...I don't let that bother me. It is what it is. I am turned on by what I'm turned on by.

Now, if I had a problem with this and say I wanted to start being turned on by slim women, I suppose I would have to associate myself with them more than I do now. That would be difficult because I would either have to watch them on porn or actually go out and date/have sex with them. Apart from the fact that I'm married, I would no doubt encounter erectile dysfunction and the associated depression and anxiety that comes with that. Why bother? I'm too damn old to stop loving big women now. I'll just live with it. The masturbation though, is probably more of your problem because the convenience of it makes it more appealing overall than regular sex.

 

[PIEDSufferer]

Welcome to the community.

I'm not so sure that you necessarily have a problem with your fetish from a strict perspective. If YOU have an issue with it and want to broaden your horizon then that's a different issue. Let me put it another way. I love fat women and I have a fetish for certain features that they have, but none greater than "chub rub". Yeah, weird, right? But get this: I find it very difficult to be turned on by a woman who does not have chub rub. I'm also not turned on by slim women in any way shape or form. BUT...I don't let that bother me. It is what it is. I am turned on by what I'm turned on by.

Now, if I had a problem with this and say I wanted to start being turned on by slim women, I suppose I would have to associate myself with them more than I do now. That would be difficult because I would either have to watch them on porn or actually go out and date/have sex with them. Apart from the fact that I'm married, I would no doubt encounter erectile dysfunction and the associated depression and anxiety that comes with that. Why bother? I'm too damn old to stop loving big women now. I'll just live with it. The masturbation though, is probably more of your problem because the convenience of it makes it more appealing overall than regular sex.

I agree with this completely. I think there’s a fine line between unhealthy fetishes and simple selective preference. If you like a woman to dress up, and get yourself sexually involved with women who like doing that, then why rob yourself of that pleasure? Is it because you’re afraid that most women DON’T like doing that? Because if we explore the idea of what women are truly into, THAT is a diverse conversation.

Take me for example: I absolutely LOVE receiving oral sex. It occurs a lot in porn, obviously. But I used to be so ashamed of that preference because I figured nearly all real women would HATE doing that. Turned out, I was dead wrong. Lots of women actually truly enjoy giving and receiving oral sex. So I decided “You know, it’s something I like, and I can find women who like it too. So why limit myself by feeling guilty about my preference?”

Something that comes to mind: A lot of women are actually fairly shy about their naked bodies. So the idea of being fully dressed and having some upskirt sex might actually make some women feel more comfortable. Have you ever talked to any partners about this? Because unless you communicate this, you may find partners that would actually prefer doing it that way, and only undress fully because they assume it’s what YOU want as a guy. So just be yourself, man! And trust that someone will appreciate that.

 

[joe59]

First of all, a big THANK YOU for your comments.
It is very encouraging that there are others out there with similar problems as mine.


@Shadow_Monk: It is good to find someone who has the same desires as me. It seems to me that this the only way I really get aroused and a "hard" strong erection. I usually masturbate 4-5 times a week. I usually only spend 2-3 minutes on it until I climax. Even there it is not really fully "hard". The masturbation is only a means to an end for me. I just want to climax. If I watch porn then I can get hooked very quickly and spend a couple of hours at a time. Usually I watch porn in phases sometimes once a week, sometimes only twice a month. Would like to hear more about your fetish/kink and how you deal with it in communicating it to woman? Also there is a strong fear of rejection.


@Delta Tango: I agree with everything you say. I suppose it is more a fetish that I have. I am just no able to sustain an erection long enough in "normal" straight sex. Also, it just does not get "hard" enough. Only when they dress up and act "slutty". I suppose that is OK. Just finding a partner who is willing to par take is another matter.


@PIEDSufferer: To date most women are not open to my fetish. And, yes, I am ashamed of it. It is only lately that I have been able to communicate my desires to some partners. The fear of rejection is great. Me too am really into oral sex (giving & receiving) and that is as far as most women I have met are willing to go but with some resistance. I do not then dare go any further or mention my fetish after experiencing the resistance. I come from a metropolitan area where women were let's say a lot more open and experienced. I did not have a problem there.
I now live in a very rural area/countryside where women are not very experienced at all. They live a more "sheltered" life. They seem to only know of "straight" sex. I suppose I have to work on my communication skills better. I had one mature woman who lead a very "sheltered" life but she was open for everything and enjoyed it more and more and was willing to go along with everything but that was when I was living back in the city. Sadly, this was a one-off relationship. Any advice?


@everyone
It appears that I do have a strong fetish/kink for woman dressing up and acting "slutty". Reading between the lines, I suppose that is OK and I now feel better about it. It is nice to finally have it defined. Getting women to par take in it is another matter. I would welcome any advice on how to tackle this sensitive matter.

That with the masturbation & associated ED maybe another problem? I think the main issue is not being able to sustain a “hard” enough erection unless my fetish is fulfilled. It would be nice to change that.

I am on day 26 (30 day challenge) today, PMO free but the urges for MO are very strong at the moment. I intended to do the 30 day challenge and then to MO once. Then do another 30 day challenge. I know I can't do the 90 day challenge at the moment without relapsing. What are the opinions on this?

I can stay away from porn without much effort. I have been having wet dreams for the last few days. "Morning Wood" is not present at the moment. I never seem to have urges to watch porn. Only the need to climax every few days.

I welcome your feedback & advice as I find it all very helpful.

 

[Shadow_Monk]

It is good to find someone who has the same desires as me. It seems to me that this the only way I really get aroused and a "hard" strong erection. I usually masturbate 4-5 times a week. I usually only spend 2-3 minutes on it until I climax. Even there it is not really fully "hard". The masturbation is only a means to an end for me. I just want to climax. If I watch porn then I can get hooked very quickly and spend a couple of hours at a time. Usually I watch porn in phases sometimes once a week, sometimes only twice a month. Would like to hear more about your fetish/kink and how you deal with it in communicating it to woman? Also there is a strong fear of rejection.

I just come straight out and say what I want. Mrs. Monk is very well aware of my kink and is happy to oblige. Occasionally I've had other partners (I am poly-amorous), and I just state early on what I'm looking for. If I get anything other than an enthusiastic response, then I'm just not that interested. I don't look at rejection as being scary - I see it as way to save a lot of time by not having to deal with people not interested in what I'm looking for.

I would say you have a P problem for sure as that's a lot of time to spend, be it monthly or weekly. Masturbating 4-5 times a week certainly isn't doing you any favors either, and it sounds like their might be a fantasy element to it. All of these are a substitute for real sex with with women, and you're in control of the fantasy. No real woman could compete against that, and it's no wonder you don't find real women as arousing. That's part of the porn trap - it makes the real world seem less interesting and we tend to want to stay lost in Wonderland.

I am on day 26 (30 day challenge) today, PMO free but the urges for MO are very strong at the moment. I intended to do the 30 day challenge and then to MO once. Then do another 30 day challenge. I know I can't do the 90 day challenge at the moment without relapsing. What are the opinions on this?

I can stay away from porn without much effort. I have been having wet dreams for the last few days. "Morning Wood" is not present at the moment. I never seem to have urges to watch porn. Only the need to climax every few days.

Congrats on making it past three weeks - hopefully you are starting to see some benefits from abstaining, and I'm glad to hear that staying away from P isn't really challenging. Some people live and die by the counter, some don't. I don't think anything magical happens at 30 days or 90 days. I think progress is a gradual thing and the ultimate goal is to be free of unhealthy PMO habits for life. You can do your challenge any day you want, but if it were me, I think I'd just keep on going after 30 without resetting just to see how far I could take it. Best of luck to you brother!

 

[joe59]

I just come straight out and say what I want. Mrs. Monk is very well aware of my kink and is happy to oblige. Occasionally I've had other partners (I am poly-amorous), and I just state early on what I'm looking for. If I get anything other than an enthusiastic response, then I'm just not that interested. I don't look at rejection as being scary - I see it as way to save a lot of time by not having to deal with people not interested in what I'm looking for.

I would say you have a P problem for sure as that's a lot of time to spend, be it monthly or weekly. Masturbating 4-5 times a week certainly isn't doing you any favors either, and it sounds like their might be a fantasy element to it. All of these are a substitute for real sex with with women, and you're in control of the fantasy. No real woman could compete against that, and it's no wonder you don't find real women as arousing. That's part of the porn trap - it makes the real world seem less interesting and we tend to want to stay lost in Wonderland.


Congrats on making it past three weeks - hopefully you are starting to see some benefits from abstaining, and I'm glad to hear that staying away from P isn't really challenging. Some people live and die by the counter, some don't. I don't think anything magical happens at 30 days or 90 days. I think progress is a gradual thing and the ultimate goal is to be free of unhealthy PMO habits for life. You can do your challenge any day you want, but if it were me, I think I'd just keep on going after 30 without resetting just to see how far I could take it. Best of luck to you brother!

Thanks for your reply.
I wish I could have such an understanding partner.
I think you "hit the nail on the head" with your assumptions.

At the moment the urge to MO is far too great. 30 days without will be a milestone for me from 4-5 times a week.
For me it will be easier to abstain from MO if I do it in stages. Maybe I shall next try a 40 day abstinence of MO and see how long I can go without any P at all.
How does that sound?

 

[Delta Tango]

Let me see if I can help you with some answers:

It appears that I do have a strong fetish/kink for woman dressing up and acting "slutty". Reading between the lines, I suppose that is OK and I now feel better about it. It is nice to finally have it defined. Getting women to par take in it is another matter. I would welcome any advice on how to tackle this sensitive matter.

I have some very odd fetishes. Nothing deviant, but odd to the average person. I'm into chub rub as I mentioned before and practically every "fault" that women are generally ashamed of. Cellulite, stretch marks, rolls, and folds. All sexy to me. It is almost never easy to convince women that this is the truth. I have been laughed at and even cursed out after mentioning this to women. But I like what I like and I am not ashamed. I had a girlfriend who was the kind of "who gives a shit" kind of person who allowed me to explore her body and just enjoy all her "faults". I would literally just lay beside her and just stare at her bits and pieces. She put a name to a lot of the things that I had secretly indulged in and convinced me that it was okay to talk openly about my sexuality. She actually encouraged me to masturbate whenever I wanted, including times when I could have sex with her. That confidence allowed me to be more open even after she and I had broken up.

Here's the thing, though. You certainly don't want your fetishes to be a very early conversation when you are propositioning or dating a woman. It should flow naturally and calmly at a point where the topic of sex comes up, but try not to let it lead you into that conversation. You should not sound or act to eager to get that underway either. "Getting to know somebody before you have sex" is not just good advice to void sexually transmitted infections but is also good advice in order to enjoy sex. Remember, you are trying to convince her that this is okay with her and so you have to take it easy at first. This may seem to contradict @Shadow_Monk but remember that he is comfortable with his fetish and has more experience with it.

I have found that lots of women from rural areas are far more willing to indulge in sexual fantasies than you would expect. They may not be socialized to talk about it, but the more you get to know a woman on an intellectual level is the more she will reveal and the more she may allow. What should never ever happen, though is for you to spring that kind of information on her moments before you are supposed to have sex. Always always always discuss things before hand so that nobody is surprised or taken off guard. If she is not comfortable with the idea, ask her what about it disturbs her. If she doesn't know why, don't be pushy, but ask her if she would object to trying it at least once. You will find that she may say "maybe". If you get that answer then work with it. Stop there for the moment. If she gives you a definite answer as to what bothers her, then you might ask her if she would be willing to try it provided she had the chance to be in the decision-making process. She may even be secretly turned on by the idea but, like you, is embarrassed that she is. You may want to reassure her that fetishes make sex fun and it could be fun having a conversation about what turns both of you on. That may relax her to find that she's not as weird as she thinks she is.

That with the masturbation & associated ED maybe another problem? I think the main issue is not being able to sustain a “hard” enough erection unless my fetish is fulfilled. It would be nice to change that.

You may want to ease into it. How about only going through half a session with her dressed up and then undressing her the rest of the way. Then shorten the time she is dressed up further until hopefully you can go an entire session without her being dressed up. Of course, you would first have to get her to dress up in the first place.

At the moment the urge to MO is far too great. 30 days without will be a milestone for me from 4-5 times a week.
For me it will be easier to abstain from MO if I do it in stages. Maybe I shall next try a 40 day abstinence of MO and see how long I can go without any P at all.
How does that sound?

It's worth a try to do the journey in stages. But remember that you may need to push yourself beyond what you feel is possible. I started my journey 83 days ago and I have been doing it in one go. I have acknowledged milestones as I achieved them, but my goal has always been focused on 90 days. So 90 days in one go is possible. This is from a person who used to watch porn and masturbate as long as I was alone and at home. That would mean edging for hours at a time and no less than 3 orgasm a day, every day. I couldn't wait for days that I would be off work because that would mean masturbating all day. This was my routine for YEARS, but more so in the last 2. And I just got up one day and set it aside. You can do it if you put your mind to it.

 

[joe59]

Let me see if I can help you with some answers:



I have some very odd fetishes. Nothing deviant, but odd to the average person. I'm into chub rub as I mentioned before and practically every "fault" that women are generally ashamed of. Cellulite, stretch marks, rolls, and folds. All sexy to me. It is almost never easy to convince women that this is the truth. I have been laughed at and even cursed out after mentioning this to women. But I like what I like and I am not ashamed. I had a girlfriend who was the kind of "who gives a shit" kind of person who allowed me to explore her body and just enjoy all her "faults". I would literally just lay beside her and just stare at her bits and pieces. She put a name to a lot of the things that I had secretly indulged in and convinced me that it was okay to talk openly about my sexuality. She actually encouraged me to masturbate whenever I wanted, including times when I could have sex with her. That confidence allowed me to be more open even after she and I had broken up.

Here's the thing, though. You certainly don't want your fetishes to be a very early conversation when you are propositioning or dating a woman. It should flow naturally and calmly at a point where the topic of sex comes up, but try not to let it lead you into that conversation. You should not sound or act to eager to get that underway either. "Getting to know somebody before you have sex" is not just good advice to void sexually transmitted infections but is also good advice in order to enjoy sex. Remember, you are trying to convince her that this is okay with her and so you have to take it easy at first. This may seem to contradict @Shadow_Monk but remember that he is comfortable with his fetish and has more experience with it.

I have found that lots of women from rural areas are far more willing to indulge in sexual fantasies than you would expect. They may not be socialized to talk about it, but the more you get to know a woman on an intellectual level is the more she will reveal and the more she may allow. What should never ever happen, though is for you to spring that kind of information on her moments before you are supposed to have sex. Always always always discuss things before hand so that nobody is surprised or taken off guard. If she is not comfortable with the idea, ask her what about it disturbs her. If she doesn't know why, don't be pushy, but ask her if she would object to trying it at least once. You will find that she may say "maybe". If you get that answer then work with it. Stop there for the moment. If she gives you a definite answer as to what bothers her, then you might ask her if she would be willing to try it provided she had the chance to be in the decision-making process. She may even be secretly turned on by the idea but, like you, is embarrassed that she is. You may want to reassure her that fetishes make sex fun and it could be fun having a conversation about what turns both of you on. That may relax her to find that she's not as weird as she thinks she is.



You may want to ease into it. How about only going through half a session with her dressed up and then undressing her the rest of the way. Then shorten the time she is dressed up further until hopefully you can go an entire session without her being dressed up. Of course, you would first have to get her to dress up in the first place.



It's worth a try to do the journey in stages. But remember that you may need to push yourself beyond what you feel is possible. I started my journey 83 days ago and I have been doing it in one go. I have acknowledged milestones as I achieved them, but my goal has always been focused on 90 days. So 90 days in one go is possible. This is from a person who used to watch porn and masturbate as long as I was alone and at home. That would mean edging for hours at a time and no less than 3 orgasm a day, every day. I couldn't wait for days that I would be off work because that would mean masturbating all day. This was my routine for YEARS, but more so in the last 2. And I just got up one day and set it aside. You can do it if you put your mind to it.

Thank you for such a detailed response & advice given. Well done on reaching 83 days!!!!
I already feel better about accepting that I do indeed have a fetish and can now move forward trying to gradually wean myself off it.

I do believe that P does cloud the mind and one wants more & more and weirder & weirder to get the same kick. I experienced this recently by finding myself watching more bisexual MFM 3somes even though I am definitely not bisexual. The idea of giving oral to a male and having him climax in my mouth started to appeal to me. This is definitely P induced.

 

[Delta Tango]

Definitely P induced. And that is quite common in porn-addicted persons. I was blessed (if one can call it that) to be pretty consistent with what I found erotic and didn't deviate from that too much. But I just needed massive doses of it - daily. I was like a baleen whale ingesting 10,000 lbs of food per day. Just hoovering in the stuff. But to be clear, you don't have to be embarrassed about any habit or fetish around us. We've pretty much seen and heard it all. And even if we haven't heard it before, we are generally in no position to judge. We all have at least one problem that we are trying to quit.

 

[Shadow_Monk]

I wish I could have such an understanding partner.

One thing at a time. If you take this journey seriously, it'll lead you to self-discovery in other areas, and you'll probably start to find that PMO was covering up some deeper issues that need resolving. At least it's been that way for quite a few of us on here.

I think you "hit the nail on the head" with your assumptions.

Only because I'm an Internet weirdo with a porn problem... At first we feel like we're the only one with whatever weird fetishes/habits/etc, but it's shocking how many of our stories are so similar.

At the moment the urge to MO is far too great. 30 days without will be a milestone for me from 4-5 times a week. For me it will be easier to abstain from MO if I do it in stages. Maybe I shall next try a 40 day abstinence of MO and see how long I can go without any P at all. How does that sound?

Hey, it's your journey, you can do it any way you want. For me, and I'm just coming back from a damned reset, there's no way I would want to have a day in mind where it would be ok to MO, because I've learned that this is a big warning sign from me that I'm nearing a reset. However, not everybody is that way at all. I think it's @keith69 has taken a very statistics oriented approach where he was weaning himself off. You might take a look at his journal or maybe he can shed some light on his system. Like I said, there's not wrong way, you have to choose your own path.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck brother, and I believe that healing, freedom, and peace with your sexual needs are all there for the taking if you'll commit to the process.

 

[joe59]

Thanks for all your help.

 

[Shadow_Monk]

Thanks for all your help.

Of course brother, we're all in this together.

 

[joe59]

Unfortunately, I relapsed last night. The urges to MO where just too great. The last 2 days have been spent with nothing but thinking of relieving the urge. I couldn't get anything else done. Today I feel fine about it. The way I think about is that I went 27 days without MO. That is very positive. I did notice a positive difference of ejaculation strength. There is a 30 day challenge on here with 2 modes. Hard (no PMO) and soft mode (MO once a week but no P). I think I will try that next in soft mode and maybe increase to MO every 2 weeks.

 

[Delta Tango]

Get back on that horse and keep on the journey. This is a trial and error trip so I'm happy that you're not bashing yourself. But recall that you have to rip the muscles in order to build them stronger. You have to outlast the strong urges to heal. When the temptation is strongest, that is when you want to not give in, but to fight the pain even more. Keep at it and stay the course, brother.

 

[joe59]

Thanks for the encouragement.