Hi, I am married to a porn addict, we have been together for just over ten years and I'm really struggling at the moment. This whole thing started (well I noticed) about six years ago with what I felt was excessive porn use, I knew he used it but it was becoming a daily thing and the things he looked at changed from vanilla to teens, which made me uncomfortable. I knew he didn't stop but thought maybe I was being unreasonable so I tried to ignore it. The next thing was a hook up site where he had been messaging a woman, swapped numbers, arranged to meet etc. Insisted nothing happened and we kind of got past it but then a swinging site looking for I dont know what. I really thought that after all those things he had stopped but it hasn't stopped, it has escalated! We nearly broke up recently due to something he did (the escalation was out of control - I think he is a sex addict now), still probably will split up as I can't handle feeling like I do now, it homestly feels like my life is ruined beyond repair and I will never trust any man again. He has admitted it's a problem and has said it has to stop as he doesn't want to lose me so he is reading a book by Paula Hall about sex addiction and has stopped everything, including sex as I just can't. The strangest thing is that we had a good sex life and he was always very loving so how could he do these things behind my back?
Sorry to hear what happened to you. Your husband should be here, and also on the Your Brain On Porn web site (he can google it). He's addicted, it's going to be a long and hard journey, and he need all the help that he can get. You need help too, this site has some, I don't know enough about to advice you more. I wish you all the best!
I am sorry you are going through this. It is so hard for us to understand and hurts beyond anything else in a relationship. We have an SOS (significant others support group) that I will invite you to join. You are not alone and this is the site to get support from SOs and addicts as well.
Thank you for your reply. Maybe he will join this site, I hope so. I have asked him to look at your brain on porn as its really useful and the programme was too. I am hoping that this site will help me cope.
You're correct HE should/MUST be here on his own. This site is mostly geared towards people who are addicted to Porn, beware of the advice that you get, some is very.... self righteous to put it mildly, I know you're hurt, but use your brain, don't follow someone else ideas just because they crucify your husband and make you feel good. It might be a good idea to seek professional help, you know a therapist? To help you cope.
Some guys, like myself, have to hit rock bottom or something close to it before we have the motivation to kick the habit. Unfortunately, we drag our SOs down with us. If he's like me, he's not letting you in because he's ashamed, he's afraid, and he's numb. Porn addiction can do all of that to a man. You are in no way responsible for his addiction, but unfortunately, there is nothing you can directly do to make it stop. You cannot replace porn. He has to decide to end it.
Well said @Meshuga. I had to hit bottom with ED and I still didn't realize it was PIED. I am not dragging down my SO (my girlfriend) who actually doesn't know about my porn addiction, she knows I was struggling with ED and now she enjoys the benefits of my improvements.
I'm so sorry for the situation you're in but glad you're here at nofap. You can see links in my signature for things that have helped my husband and me immensely, if you do decide to stay with him. FANOS is especially helpful. Please know that none of this is your fault. You didn't cause it and you aren't responsible to fix it. You can, if you choose, support him in his fight, but he has to be willing to do the work.
Elena46, where there's life there's hope. Courageous post, thank you. If he can know enough to know he needs to seek forgiveness, and you can forgive, then there's also hope for your relationship. But if either of those factors are not present, there's still hope for you both as individuals. You deserve love and life. That's your birthright. He does too, but he's got a rough road ahead before he will be open to that possibility. Fingers crossed for you - as a couple and, importantly, as individuals.
Really well said. Especially this. The addiction takes over. It's everything. It ignores anything that may get in the way of the next fix. Reading this book helped me understand. It talks about "self," which the addiction slowly destroys and addiction personality takes over. https://www.amazon.com/Addictive-Personality-Understanding-Compulsive-Behavior/dp/1568381298
