This is quite the thing for me! I've never before contributed to any online forum, and have never really told anyone about my porn problems. Honestly, I feel so anxious admitting I have an issue, even if it is to an anonymous forum, but I feel so excited to! I'm 22 years old. I've had a serious porn addiction since I was 12. Serious to the point that there are very few days I have gone without viewing and even many days where I watched multiple times a day. It's become so bad that I don't pay attention to life. I'm a master at numbing myself to my consequences. Last week, I stumbled across Your Brain on Porn and NoFap and became instantly intrigued. For the first time, I felt like I understood what was happening and why. Everything in my life made sense as I related it back to my severe dopamine addiction caused from super excessive PMO. Even the feelings of disassociation from reality and myself make sense now. Anxiety and depression and lack of interest in the world all had a central cause. As a bit of a backstory, I come from a very religious background (Mormon to be exact, and I am proud of it). I was raised in a very devout home where I was taught not to view porn or masterbate but I think there was some innate curiosity as sex was not really discussed.... ever...? I found softcore porn when I was 12 and then found more and more hardcore porn as time went on. When I was 18, I went on my mission but came home early after 7 months with a lot of bizarre digestive issues that they never could put their finger on along with strong anxiety. It's amazing to me looking back how all of the issues and the weird emotional instability I experienced on my mission was due to a forced PMO withdrawel that i didn't understand and wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with as an 18 year old on their own for the first time. I came home, enrolled in my conservative Christian university, found porn again, and here I am 3 years later. High school was it's own thing (though, I can't even remember it at all...) But college has been hell. My memories of school are truthfully blank (a result of porn I've learned). I've failed a ton of classes and have been on academic probation. I still don't know what I want to graduate in and I'm supposed to graduate next year. I love my job where I have a ton of fun but that's all I look forward too in life... Back in January, I saw my doctor about ADHD (something I now realize is probably just from the porn). I was put on ritalin and I had an amazing PMO month. I was getting up early every day, exercising, eating healthy, dating and going to class. I'm not sure what happened but it seemed like everything came together to allow a great month but 28 days in, I relapsed and now I'm worse than ever. It's amazing all that I've learned in the last week in regards to dopamine addiction and why I do what I do. I finally understand the role that Netflix and social media have played in preventing me from consciously processing my issues and trying to fix them. Every time I think about how much I hate myself and my life, I just numb with social media and tv. I'm super excited to start this new journey. It's been 12 hours but I feel so invigorated having read everyone's successes and positive stories. I think I'm finally prepared for the nightmare that's about to ensue with my reboot!
