New to the Forum - Hoping to Give Up Masturbation and Porn for 90 Days

Hello everyone. Until mid-week, I had no knowledge that such a community existed. I knew, like me (especially those who became teenagers just as internet porn became available, 54kbs at a time) there would have been many with a similar addiction, but no idea that some many have been affected by this. In a way, it's comforting to know many are going through the same feeling, but I was also sorry to find that thousands of people seem to be suffering the same.

It helps me to write, so please allow me to offer a brief bio, to explain why I am here. As I said, for the past week, I've read a lot about the symptoms of heavy porn use and masturbation addiction. Both this site and http://yourbrainonporn.com have really helped me. I turn thirty at the end of the year, and I feel a bit ashamed - at 29 - that I've only just realised that many of my problems, both in regard to depression/anxiety, and especially in regard to women and forming a meaningful relationship, are all related to my addition to p and m. I've probably been masturbating heavily since I was twelve. Like most people, it started with a tug after school about girls in one's class (these early 'wanks' are probably the most healthy I've ever had), but by 13/14 internet porn came in. I'd say that I've probably watched pornography every day since then, give or take a few weeks (family holidays and such). On average, I say I masturbate 2-3 times a day, though it has been (shamefully) as high as 7. I think I have caused physical, aesthetic damage to my penis, as it seems wrinkled beyond its years. If someone could point me towards any article or posts about cosmetic damage to one's genitals, because of heavy masturbation, I'd appreciate it.

How I know porn has damaged me: my last relationship was almost four years ago; I have always been shy with women, but now the idea of a healthy, normal relationship seems beyond me. In this previous relationship (2 years), intercourse was pretty regular, though I regularly lost erections throughout. I probably only achieved orgasm through PVI twice in as many years. At the time, this didn't bother me, because I could 'release' through porn or when she performed oral sex. Or I masturbated in her company, over her, etc. (I realise now that this is pretty demeaning behaviour). I rarely achieve a sustained erection without visual stimulation, so I have the symptoms of ED. My occasional numb reaction to women makes me feel awful. I even began to question my sexuality at one point, because at one point I could never imagine having a relationship with a woman again. The fact I now know this is because of p and m addiction makes me want to quit. On the one hand, the fact I've now realised this seems like a good thing - I can do something about it.

I have now not watch pornography for 4 days. Today, as I am terribly stressed at the moment, because I've recently moved abroad and I'm starting a new job, I awoke up feeling awful, so I used masturbation as 'the cure'. Not using porn, I felt worse after, because I can't achieve a firm, hard erection, without visual porn stimulation. So, discounting today, I will tomorrow attempt the 90-day reboot. I will continue to read what everyone has to say on here, and try to contribute. What I am worried about is that the stress from the new job will inhibit me. When one wakes up at 4am, experiencing a "dark night of the soul", 'fapping' always seemed like the relaxing solution. The fact I'm attempting both, at the same time, seems risky, but I am at least going to try.

Being active in this community will no doubt help me, so I wanted to introduce myself. I know this is a rather long post, but it feels healthy for me to just blabber on. Yesterday, I had a date with a woman for the first time in a while (from a dating site). It went really well, and we're meeting again next week - I want to have healthy relationships with women again.

Thanks for reading,

Radio.