Starting to notice more about the various stages I go through when I fap and when I don't . When I fap I don't care as much. I do but my mind and body is at rest . Too much though can keep me indifferent numb and isolated . When I don't fap it doesn't take long until my body is kicking up a storm and the mental aspects that come with change me completely they direct me in a way that I obviously want to be with women and subconsciously am just directed in that way even though most of the time it just feels like suffering. What I've noticed when I fap if I'm talking to girls online I won't feel it as much . But when I don't the feeling is strong and because of that the feelings are more likely to be mutual . What I've also noticed is I care alot more about certain things I get involved more and speak my mind . Even though the entire experience is physically disconcerting . There is more turbulence When I'm addicted to fapping. I just feel the world around me less from my own inner drive that seems to be driven from an inner suffering . probably testosterone It's difficult to explain It reminds of the days when I was very social and got with girls a hell of a lot more often . Although I was Living I was suffering. That suffering is probably my high ass testosterone levels and who the fuck knows what else goes on in my mind . So yes living .... But suffering they just seem to go hand in hand . When it comes to porn I'm barely alive in that regard but I can shut my brain off . The worry though is trying to build a life of that internal suffering when that is what it is suffering. Just makes me question so much I'm an odd one in real life I keep alot bottled up the quiet one . But I've had some pretty great and intense moments but all came with some degree of suffering ..that bottled up quiet shit and the high ass test levels life can be confusing But I found a way to numb it all .....with porn. NoFap is brutal man , life is brutal I had my test level tested a couple of years ago and they came back at 1100ngdl which is 95th percentile . Alot of the time when i go NoFap for more than a couple of days I feel like I can't control it it just makes me miserable . At the same time I'm fucking up my life entirely by numbing out to porn like what the fuck is the point
I hear what your saying high ass t can be challenging especially with NoFap . The best way forward is to get a grip on it and try and channel the energy into something . Physical or mental
