On a road to success - 60 days report (no PM)

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by oldpunk, Jun 22, 2020.

  1. oldpunk

    oldpunk Fapstronaut

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    Hi all,

    At first I was a bit hesitant to make this post because I feel that I am still at the very beginning of my reboot/recovery process, but then I thought that if somebody finds my post helpful in some way then it is certainly worth to write it. I will update this post in the future if and when I feel that I have something important to share. If you want to take a look at my journal you can find it here: I can do this - oldpunk's journal

    Background

    I am 43 years old man who has been heavy user of porn for about 20 years. Before that I wasted almost 10 years of my life by fapping to fantasies of girls I knew. When most of my friends hung out with girls I fapped at home to my own fantasies. Not something that I am very proud of. To make matters even worse, I quickly learned a technique called edging which meant that I kept myself aroused for hours at time and only allowed myself to O at the very end. If I would have time machine I would travel back and slap myself onto face.

    I have suffered from PIED for most of my adult life. There has been absolutely nothing wrong with my equipment, but I just have not been able to get aroused enough from real female to get erection. I have consumed ED drugs from the age of 25. Sometimes they worked if I used dose high enough, but way too often I couldn't get (or keep) it up even with them. Which is pretty understandable because I didn't feel aroused enough.

    For big part of my life I have carried shame inside me. Something that I have had to hide from everybody else. I have felt so broken that sometimes I have thought about killing myself to get rid of all the pain and memories of failures.

    Motivation

    I divorced last year and began to think about my past life. I understood that porn has played a major role in my life. I have let it ruin so many years of my life and I didn't want it to ruin my future too. Some months ago I met a very kind, loving woman and fell in love with her. I made a decision that I will not let my porn addiction to destroy the beautiful thing that we have together. At first I didn't have courage to tell her about my addiction, but last week I finally confessed it to her. She didn't judge me, but hugged and understood me instead.

    60 days clean

    Already at the day one I made a decision that I shall not relapse. It is not an option. Also, I made a decision not to fight porn. I simply will not think about it at all. I realized that porn has not been about sex for me, but about managing my feelings and emotions. When I have felt bad, anxious or nervous, I have used porn as outlet for those feelings instead of actually dealing with them. For me this was the key thing to understand. Now when I feel bad about something I go outside for a walk, do heavy workout at gym or just write down my thoughts.

    I have not masturbated at all during the past 60 days, but I have O'd quite many times when I have made love with my loved one (there was a weekend where we made love four times during 24 hours). I am still using Tadalafil but my dose is only small fraction of what I used to have in my previous relationship. I am planning to use it for some months and then taper down the dose to get rid of it totally.

    I did have few weeks flatline some time ago and I got shit scared of it at first, but then I remembered that it is part of the process. I will not be surprised if it returns on some day. The recovery process is not linear and we are not machines, after all.

    Benefits so far (although honestly I didn't expect to see much benefits at this point when I started my reboot):
    • I feel no shame about my addiction anymore. I have forgiven myself and learned from the mistakes of my past.
    • My morning wood has returned.
    • I get strong erection already when I'm kissing my loved one. I know that I'm physically able to have sex with her if I want to. I don't need to be afraid anymore.
    • I have felt horny for the very first time in my life. I was really surprised when I felt that first time when I was close to her and damn it felt great!
    I have not gotten a single random erection yet nor I feel horny all the time, but it doesn't matter at all. The only thing that matters is that when I am with her I really want (and can) to make love with her.

    Even though I have already seen quite many benefits during the past 60 days I do know that I am still at the very beginning of the recovery process. But it is a damn good start!
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2020
    New_born, jax2k19, Apparition and 6 others like this.
  2. Hello,
    Congrats on hitting 60 days without P&M. You are a hero to the community and an inspiration for all the people here who aspire to reach this far. I'm happy that you are regaining control over your body, and now I'm sure you will enjoy the happier moments of your life more than ever. Keep posting and best wishes for your journey.
     
    MixerAwersome and oldpunk like this.
  3. oldpunk

    oldpunk Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your encouraging words, @mathtronaut!

    I try to focus more on how I feel and what I can do to improve the quality of my life instead of just watching the day counter, but of course it feels good to reach some milestone and notice some real benefits as well.
     
  4. Mitsuro

    Mitsuro Fapstronaut

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    Well done. Thanks for sharing you experience, its great to hear how much you’ve progressed over a couple of months. I hope I can also get there, the most I’ve done is 29 days, I’m currently on day 15. This time is different and I’m working on recovery rather than abstinence.
     
    oldpunk likes this.
  5. oldpunk

    oldpunk Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, @Mitsuro! To be honest I didn't expect any progress in sixty days so I'm positively surprised. I'm very sure that all the cuddling and intimacy with my loved one has helped a lot. Then again I do know that I have just started my recovery. Very likely there will be ups and downs, but I am prepared. Some things that I have learned during past couple of months:
    • We addicts don't really crave porn because we crave sex. We crave the dopamine high.
    • Quite many of us (me included) use porn for masking negative feelings and emotions (lonelineness, frustration, anxiety, ...). I am just learning a new habit of writing down my thoughts and feelings when that negative mood hits me. Maybe I will learn something about myself in the process. There's no reason to suppress negative feelings. Let them come and go.
    • Don't think or fight porn. Pretend like it wouldn't even exist. If the craving hits let that feeling just pass you and do something you really like (walking outside and working out works for me).
    • Take one day at a time.
    I'm sure you'll get there too. Stay strong!
     
    Mitsuro likes this.
  6. 103

    103 Fapstronaut

    Awesome job. In a few minutes, I'll hit 6 days, which isn't much; but it's the longest streak I've had in a little while. I love reading posts like yours that inspire me to push through the urges and maintain my progress. Thanks for sharing!
     
    oldpunk and Mitsuro like this.
  7. Mitsuro

    Mitsuro Fapstronaut

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    That’s some solid advice. I appreciate the support. Here is to another 60 days for you, a day at a time!
     
    oldpunk likes this.
  8. kiddomo

    kiddomo Fapstronaut

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    Do you think the ED drugs helped with your performance anxiety, and do you think that taking it once was enough
     

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