Porn first became a part of my life before I was a teenager, and a regular part of it in my early teens. I thought nothing of it for well over fifteen years. I've never used to-do lists, but if I did, porn would have always made it on and been checked off. Looking back to two years ago when I first decided on quitting porn, I now find it ridiculous that I was surprised at how difficult porn is to leave behind. My decision to quit was based largely on acknowledging that porn had been a crutch. An easy mechanism to rely on for acquiring a quick surge of gratification. But it could be replaced easily. That was the assumption, at least. As I think many of us who visit this site have come to realize, we turned porn into much more than a mere crutch to lean on. The viewing of it took on the form of sacred ritual--I had a preferred time, place and device for the rite of fapping. Even cutting some of those off, which I actively did bit by bit, doesn't destroy a ritual that deeply rooted. Instead, the ritual has just taken on new forms. In my recent failures, part of the ritual--and an exhilarating part--is working around the blockers I have installed. I'm not sure why I'm posting this. I today failed a twelve-day streak and, as is customary, a wave of despair and shame hit me after. It has ebbed as I have been writing this, which is a shame. Maybe if those feelings remained salient to a greater degree, I could get passed porn. I guess I just wanted to put something out there. Two years of trying to quit porn and I've not mentioned the struggle to anyone. Good luck, everyone, who's similarly trying to leave this crap behind.
12 days is a lot better than 0 days, and if you get straight back on the wagon you won't have undone what those 12 days achieved. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but if you can do another 12 days back-to-back, that's just 1 use in 24 days.
