Pain!

Pain! Pain! Pain!
And just Pain!
There is no one who is yours for real, except you and you must never expect anything from anyone because it is not okay and your expectations will always only hurt you. Anyone can do anything at any time, even if it is someone you trust the most, you can only trust them but you can't control someone's actions and what they will do. You are your very first responsibility and you must only depend on yourself at your hard times, if you need someone emotionally to comfort you then it is your blunder not theirs. If there is someone who can help you and if there is someone who you can depend on then it is only and only you, yourself. You need to take your own responsibility. Love yourself first, it is not selfish, it is your dharma, you must be your priority emotionally. You must only depend on you emotionally. You must only depend on you, just you!

There is no one else, not your mother or your brother, or your lover, depend only on yourself emotionally, self-love is not a want, IT IS A NEED. It is the hardest thing you will ever do but is going to be the most savage thing indeed.

These are a few of many lessons that I learned. I wish I knew them earlier, I wish I learned from others mistakes, but here I am after making blunders and ruining myself, after being all alone emotionally, I will keep all this aside and focus on my goals. I will give myself the love and emotional comfort that I never received. I will make myself happy once again, I will make myself feel alive once again, I will make myself capable once again, and I will make myself proud once again.

I pray that others will learn from my blunders and of course, typing all this here helps, but I don't expect any replies of course, I am enough for myself.
Pain will end, I will turn it in my powers, I will end it because IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO MEND!

 

Yes, I didn't mean that we must not trust anyone, but only that we trust ourselves first. And yes, I like spending time with myself.
You know, the thing is that we always tend to need emotional comfort when something bad happens to us, it is a tendency or what I don't know but almost everyone needs that, be it bullied child, or failed student, or a broken heart, or someone who go cheated by his lover, or a rape victim, or a child beaten by his parents, or someone who lost his family in an accident or someone who was stabbed by a Jihadist, almost all tend to need a little comforting and a little support, it makes them feel a little better and I don't know if it is right to have this comforting from others or we should only comfort ourselves, because those who are comforting us today may break our hearts and trust tomorrow and we will end up feeling even worse. I never received any comforting and those few who comforted me broke my heart over and over again. We all tend to do things for others, for our family members, for our society, for our motherland. For instance, a father works day and night for his son and daughter, a mother does the same, a teacher works for his students, army men works for his country, a priest works for god and so on. It is easier to do things for other. Like recovering for others, for those we love and live for others. But these are the biggest of all mistakes I ever made. I used to recover for my mother but she used treat me wrongly and then it was helpless because the one whom I was doing all that for doesn't treat me right and respect me, this conditional comforting is cruel. Then I used to do it for my lover, and I did awesome because she comforted me in ways I never received, it was the best time of my life, I was growing everyday eith lightening speed and was so happy and comfortable, I felt that it was the only thing I ever needed and all, I wanted to show her all the good things and treat her as my Queen, I know I used to call her my superpower but then, it was only to have darkest chapters of my life, I was broken day and night, I tried to stop her, and I scared to lose all that comforting and her from my life, I believed that she was my lucky charm. But she never listened, she was blinded by her religion and wanted to leave me forever, she read verses and said to me that our love was not permissible and that it will take us to hell because we were of different religions and she chose to break my heart instead. Though I never doubted she loved me, but she said to me ridiculous things and I was heartbroken, I had no one to share my pain with anyone, no one to comfort me from my experiences and so I burned myself in hell on earth, punished myself endlessly for her treating me wrongly and breaking me down. I ruined myself completely, she never used to comfort me but only used to make me feel more and more uncomfortable and my another mistake was to still stay in a relationship that was killing me emotionally, physically and mentally. It just killed me emotinally so perfectly. She used to build me up and I used to feel a little relieved but she used then read another verse and break my heart again and again, in this process I lost my desire to got comforted ever again. It was hell of an experience.
But I still don't deny the fact that sometimes I need comforting too, like sharing all this here feels a little relieving but now I don't like feeling comfortable by others, be it anyone because I am so scared, you said that we must not stop trusting others but I am so scared to share my things with anyone, I used to do it only with few, very few people but now I don't do it, though I admit that I like it and that it relieves me and heals me a little but still there is not chance that I ever want to got myself any comfort from any other, because I am just scared.

Also doing it for God is something, that I used to do but in my past experiences with her, I lost myself spiritually too, I am trying that again now but it doesn't help me much but I don't doubt that it can help me so much and it will.


It is the hardest thing to be there for ourselves and to comfort ourselves when something very wrong happen to us, it is so hard and the hardest. It is easy to say in words but so hard to do actually.

But it is stupid to ask for comforting in this jungle world too, I don't like to be a beggar for other's sympathy. I don't need anyone and I need only myself and God now, I hope I will be able to make myself feel alive one more time.
I thank you for taking time and listening to me, I can't remember that last time I received this comforting, I thank you, brother.

I will start to comfort myself too, because it is what matters the most!