On day 21 since my last relapse. My longest streak has been 66 days which still cant believe how i broke it. It was the day before one of my biggest days I was going to present before a huge crowd and i guess the pressure/anxiety just got to me and found myself in deep PMO mode. this current relapse was the worst because i binged on porn for around 2-3 weeks and in between visited around 4 street girls. The girls were so empty and would just urge me to hurry up, they couldn't even pretend to be enjoying it. The last one was really voloptuous but my CD broke and this is in a country teeming with AIDS. So currently have to take antiretrovirals for 28 days to prevent me contracting HIV/Aids. Its not the first time am taking theses drugs. So yeah this has really become a huge concerning problem. Am very determined to stave this off once and for all,I've joined this forum,doing kundalini meditation to channel my energy upwards,and I really think I need a girlfriend as I think my biggest triggers are loneliness,depression and anxiety. Anyone with other suggestions to help strengthen my fight, I promise to reach at least 100/days ,but that's the question what if I reach that stage and still my shadow mind starts deceiving me and be like you deserve it now or none of this really matters,it's just religion making you feel guilty or if something that feels this good should not be wrong or you're just going to die anyway. Those are just some of the ways my shadow mind tries to break me. Really hopeful and planning by that time to have successfully rebooted and gotten myself into a meaningful relationship. Thanks guys and also giving all of you great energy to better ourselves and the world around us because I realize the porn industry is just another control mechanism. Stay strongest.
I get those same thoughts you describe as coming from the "shadow mind" as well... excuses and rationalisations to make it seem like it's ok to engage in this behaviour. Hopefully meditation should make it easier to step back, look at those excuses and recognise what they really are..... I think the most dangerous thing is that thought 'nothing really matters.' Telling oneself that allows one to do things that a self-destructive or immoral. But the price is then having to live in a world where things don't matter, where there's nothing that bring any sense of joy or meaning- kind of the definition of hell. I really admire that you got to 66 days! And 100 days will be awesome! Even those deceiving thoughts come, hold on to the truth that life does matter, there's a difference between right and wrong, and yes you can have a happier future without porn and the sex industry !
Sounds like it's time to recover. Risky behavior sounds like a mild way to describe the above. Well I mean it technically is high risk behavior. I am not sure it can get much riskier without you going to prison. I mean the worst that can happen to people who struggle with sexual compulsion issues including porn is they start raping or using child porn, which basically equals prison. I have been with 4 escorts in the past. If it helps to know you are not alone. Porn led me to calling the first one. Like the sexual compulsion driving me to view porn escalated and demanded more which turned out to be an ad in a local paper for one. Why ads like that are allowed in it is beyond me. Anyways I think you need more than kundalini meditation and a girlfriend. Using prostitutes is usually a sign of some serious underlying issues that you need to face. Generally kundalini and a partner are not required to address them but hey I am not discouraging your goals.
Thanks for the reply. Very risky fully agree and that's the thing when am caught in this states of intense lust,its literally like am a different person altogether. Usually starts when am in a very low mood or very tired and lonely and I start searching YouTube or Instagram for some kind of stimulation and all of a sudden am in the throes of hardcore p. From there my mind tells me the only way to end the cycle and restart is by going to visit a call girl or an escort which due to the expenses and risks involved is usually the stop gap as opposed to watching p which I can do for 3-4 days consecutive having not watched any for up the 30-50 days prior. Am trying to figure out those deep issues causing all that which I think stems from possibly being lonely cause haven't had a girlfriend in a very long time. What other ways do you suggest could end this once and for all?Am currently even doing daily night stop porn addiction hypnosis sessions. Like literally this time I will consider all avenues even if its getting professional services. Thanks once more
Thanks for your reply. Yeah the shadow was mostly described by psychologist Carl Jung as lurking in our psyche and taking Thanks for the reply. The shadow mind was described by Carl Jung saying it stems from repressed emotions and is responsible for devious acts we previously didn't think we were capable of doing. Nietzsche also talks more on it. Our minds are very complex tools and can enhance us but have fail mechanisms that set us back greatly as well. I think one has to start facing this part of oneself early when you're in a good mood and understand it fully before it emerges when youre at a weak frame of mind and the fore easily swayed and controlled. That's just my thinking that you also mention you experience the same. Would like to hear what you think of that and how to address it?. Cheers
Yes, I see. It would definitely be great to use meditation (for example) to be able to analyse these feelings and impulses from a feeling of stability and maybe be able to make them less powerful by bringing them into the daylight. For me, the pitfalls don't just come when I'm weak. Some of the riskiest things I've done (going to prostitutes, engaging in other risky behaviour) have come from an impulse that arrived just when I was feeling very strong, mentally clear and energetic. It's hard man!
