Porn induced fetishes/interests

Thank you for posting. I'll answer from my own experience: I've been in recovery for about two years now, before that I was trying to quit on my own for about five.

I am no expert on P-induced fetishes, but from my own experience, I believe he can re-wire his brain to no longer be stimulated by these sorts of images. It's going to take time and patience, (we're talking months and maybe years YMMV), but if he's committed to doing it, he will. What's happened is, his view of intimacy has been warped by a computer screen showing him these graphic, outlandish things. He's conditioned himself. It's going to take some time to get that back to normal.

I can offer hope though. My fiancee and I went through a year long period where sex was disastrous between us. When I did initiate she would become greatly insulted when I couldn't maintain an erection or finish. She would often feel not good enough because of her weight, and thought I preferred other women because of my past P-use (my ED was P-induced). It became nerve-racking.

However, ever since I started group meetings (SAA) last year, we have slowly worked our way back to a better place. It's not completely healed, but things are so much better.

The best advice I can offer is to be patient, and reach out and find a support group. Being in a relationship with an addict is lonely and frustrating for both partners. You'll both need support to get through this, (do not become his accountability partner; you are not impartial and besides which, this is HIS problem, not yours).

I hope this helps. I'm sorry you're going through, but keep faith, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. God bless.

 

I don't have experience with P-induced fetishes - but I do have thoughts that may or may not be helpful.

(personal note on fetishes in general) I believe everyone has things that they tend to like a bit more than others, and sometimes they can be influenced by porn, but blaming them ON porn I think is tricky. We have no clue if porn created them, escalated them, or simply allowed someone to find them.

Some good news for you - those are not extreme fetishes compared to what's available online. Hell, I'd say anal and group fantasies are pretty widespread, and you could argue normal in today's society. The internet is full of weird and extreme stuff, and the good news is his admissions aren't in those categories. If there are things you also want to try, or are willing to give a shot, they're pretty accessible and easy and such.

Now the less good news (not bad, just harder) - has he ever talked to you about these before? Have the two of you discussed the activities - your comfort level/his desire? I would say it's OK to "want" something, and I would say it's 100% ok for you to say no to it - however, if he HID these from you that's something to ask about (not the fetish, but why he couldn't say it out loud).

From MY experience, I absolutely hid things from my wife that I wanted. I was afraid of coming across as selfish or weird or perverted, or any number of things that in my mind would trigger her to want me less. And honestly, she has probably done that to me - talks about sex are HARD, even in marriages. We've tried anal - and to me not a huge deal. She wants me to try eating her ass, but we'd both have to be kinda drunk as we're more timid when sober. We've both thought about threesomes - but we both admit we're too jealous to ever try them in real life. Now, in the past few months I've been a bit more open about things, and so has she, not that it's resulted in changes, but at least there is a bit more honesty.

Back to the original question and post - it's not about you living up to something. Porn isn't real, so even the things he saw online I hope he can understand are like watching a michael bay movie and thinking that his car is going to turn into a robot. Not gonna happen, no reality. DO NOT try to live up to anything he saw online. Just Don't. You are who you are, you like what you like, your boundaries are your boundries. If he can't deal with that - it's his problem and not yours. Don't try and fufill expectations for him, let your boundaries be yours and lt him know that if he can't deal with it, it's something he needs to adjust in himself.

 

Don't worry about TMI, and TBH - I was really curious about anal. We tried it and it was sort of a let down compared to expectations. Not that it's off the table, but the curiosity factor is severely downgraded. So much more prep for minimal improvements over regular intercourse. if she wants it, not gonna say no, but have I pushed for it, nah. Do want to try her curiosity I listed above just to see how/if she likes it.

For many addicts it's not the ACT that they desire, but the emotional reaction to it (power, control, escape, desire). For me, it was (and is because addiction can't be cured) about being desired and wanted. That's a big reason I loved porn, I could pretend to be the guy who's supremely wanted by overtly sexualized women and can do no wrong where everything they do in bed is responded to by incredibly fake reactions, but ones I wish I could elicit. If your partner is going to therapy or working on the steps, finding these inner reasons may be key. For me just being able to tell her that being wanted is more important than the actual sex - having her reach for my hand, having her move to my side of the bed to cuddle, having her give me compliments, etc. It's so much better than 10-20 minutes of making out and sex.

I think the best move forward is to actually talk about this. It's gonna suck and be uncomfortable for both of you. However, the goal isn't to shame his desires (everyone has desires) or to make you feel pressured (you just said above you tried it and nope). The goal is to find a middle group and come to the realization that sexual desires are healthy and they can be discussed openly instead of hidden away in a shame box that is only opened by pornography.

 

I agree, discussing expectations about sex is very helpful for working through problems. For instance, I learned through talking about it that my fiancee doesn't take intercourse as seriously as I do.

It can be awkward at first if you or your partner aren't used to be overtly sexual, but baby steps make all the difference.

I disagree with you on the P-induced imagery: if he's been using it for awhile (months,years), then it is absolutely coloring his view and expectation of their sex life, consciously or not. It certainly helps that he is aware of this, but in my opinion, it's going to take some time before he stops seeing real-life sex as something that is only as real as what he sees on a screen. The images bury themselves deep.

I think the question for him to ask himself, without fear or shame, is this something he really wants or is it something he THINKS he wants, re-inforced by repeat viewings of unrealistic acts (re: staged coupling by actors who have no interest in each other or what they're doing beyond money). Having said that, yes, she should not feel any expectation to meet some standard that is not based around love or intimacy.

 

Well that too. Very much.

yeah - i get his side. I HATE being open (working on it) - because I'm simply afraid of having the "wrong" opinions or feelings or saying them wrong and offending. It's tough to feel safe to be open if:
A) you already have screwed up and feel on thin ice
B) you know you're going to be judged and your answers will be examined and translated
C) you're afraid the truth will hurt the other person.
D) you're not used to being able to be open - new is hard

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

 

Yes, P is much more common than it used to be, and much more accepted as commonplace. Some therapists even encourage couples to view P together, which I have mixed feelings about.

In my own situation I tend to dissociate the act of making love, of truly being present and intimate, from the physical act of sex--something commonly done in P videos. This is why I see it as so harmful to anyone looking to recover their sexual sanity. When expectations for 'earth-shattering' sex have been built up in the mind of the P-addict, the reality of two naked vulnerable, real people coming together can't compete. Focusing on your relationship on how you can help each other become more intimate is the way to go. He will recover, but it'll take time.