Porn wrecks teen dating(highly triggering)

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Clean_Pilot, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. Clean_Pilot

    Clean_Pilot Fapstronaut

    6
    0
    0
    My grandfathers porn addition passed down to my dad and his eight brothers and one sister. [NSFW]An aunt and uncle lived next door to us, and my two female cousins there had been used as sex toys by my uncle. One day when I was in the basement with my cousins, my older cousin, who was about 9 years old stripped naked and made me give her oral sex, and then do it to her sister. I was hooked instantly. Her little sister, my cousin, was the same age as my younger sister. My cousins and I played "doctor" for the next three years. Then one night my little sister had a friend spend the night. They took a shower together that night, and played with each other in the shower. They came out, wrapped in towels, and proceeded to flash me and convince me to finger them. It didn't take much convincing. I decided to focus my efforts on my sister because we were home alone together much of the day, and often evenings while our parents were out bowling and drinking. That led to us looking at our parents huge porn collection together, watching porn movies, and using their huge dildo and vibrator collection on my sister. By the time she 12, I was 15, and we were basically each others lover/boyfriend/girlfriend. I didn't want anyone but her. She developed huge breasts, and I loved making love to her. One day though, I came inside her, unprotected, and she decided it was over. We were lucky she didn't get pregnant.
    I never dated girls in my class, or even my age. Then I only wanted younger girls that reminded me of my sister. I became the 20-something guy dating 15yo girls. They never asked my age, I never asked theirs.
    After that, I found out that it's true that sin leads to greater sin. I married the first really-naughty girl I found, and fell head-long into her exhibitionism, then letting other men touch her, and then a full cuckold relationship where I serviced her bulls and masturbated watching them do her. She saved herself for her Bulls, and we didn't have sex together for the last year we were together. I found myself going to glory holes every day, for hours at a time, servicing mostly black men, and still fantasizing about my wife, thinking about them doing her while I did them.
    Two marriages later, my biggest struggle has been avoiding the men near me who are bulls, or are just looking for a quick cum-and-go. I couldn't get my wife to be naughty, so when she'd let me take pics of her, I'd post them online without her knowledge, and certainly not her approval. The naughtier and sluttier the pics were, the more sites and people I shared them on and with. Now they are everywhere. Now I don't want them to be. It becomes out of control. Sometimes I think it's that loss of control that becomes so addicting. It's like the "extreme" sports. They take their sport to its or their limits, which is an adrenaline rush. I used to get excited about my wife falling asleep nude because I knew I could take all the pics I wanted with her in any position I wanted, or live cam her nude to thousands of other men. I wanted that more than sex with her.[/NSFW]
    It takes a total "reboot" of the brain to stop this action.
    Every action we take is a decision. Whether we realize it or not, we always have a chance to say no to that behavior.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 8, 2015
  2. db_dan

    db_dan Fapstronaut

    20
    0
    0
    Good lord that is fucked up. I'm so sorry you've had to grow up in that situation. I can't even imagine the effect that has on the brain. I sincerely hope you're able to recover from this.
     
  3. definitely tough stuff. The cool thing about this site and community is that it's kind of like a safe secret club where we can truly be free towards our recovery; for people that have extreme pasts not able at times to make it public or "surfaceable" trying to get better . For years I couldn't tell anyone about my SA and my dark past until I found outlets like this site, therapists and SAA meetings. Here's to a brighter future for all of us.
     

Share This Page