prisoner of my mind

I'm 20
Been trying to quit this since I was 15. I've had my ups and downs, and a couple moments I could even say I was proud of myself.
But now being in college, I'm haunted by the thought that I'm still so behind.

When I was 15, I realized that I was living life on autopilot. I was closed-off, ambitious yet scared to go after my goals publicly, timid, and a kid ridden with social-anxiety. Growing up though, I had always been seen as pretty normal. Good grades had a few friends, for the most part except for being a kid who wasn't terribly athletic and went over the top with some of his class-project videos, I was pretty normal. A little cringe, but normal enough to get by. Outside I was terribly self-conscious, which played a big role in me not being a burden on my classmates. But at home, I was just me. No effort, I simply lived life being the me I was without thinking. The split became terribly apparent to me when I turned 15. Hormones hit, and the young me realized that on the trajectory I was going, I wouldn't be the person outgoing enough to get the women I wanted. So, I worked on it; I hit the gym, I participated in an unnecessary amount of small talk, and was a little more annoying in class.

I grew, undoubtedly, but the more I opened up, the more and more I retched at the me I put out there. I felt slow, incompetent, forgetful, aloof. Only took a couple months for me to start asking whether I was autistic. I learned to lean into the uncomfortable and keep pushing myself. And whenever I did fail, I was reminded I was doing NoFap; that after enough time, my brain will heal, and I'll eventually escape.

That was COVID year, now I'm a sophomore in college. I'm struggling with the same issues of social anxiety, c*rn, and loneliness. I even did a summer sales internship to work on my social skills. I talked to people all day 80+ hours a week, and I came out still feeling miles behind my peers. It's as if no matter how hard I try, or how much I let go, nothing ever works. I'm still a loser, despite my thought processes not being able to position myself as one. It's as if I know I don't think like a loser, but because I see that I am, I can tell that my thoughts are keeping something from me. And if my own mind is working against me like that, then how can there ever be an escape?
I know it's never okay to give up, but I can't tell if I'm lying to myself to say there's a way out. I feel like I'm so close to everything I want to be, yet soo far. Like the confident version of me, the outgoing, the respected, the competent version of me is just behind a curtain just within my grasp.

In fact others see it too. I'm someone who a lot of people expect to be cool, but overtime, the more I reveal myself, the less respect is felt. I've seen awe turn into disgust.

Every failure, either socially, or privately with images, just feels like a blaring sign that this isn't something I'm built to get through. Am I autistic? What am I missing? How many times must I be reminded how bad this is before I make the permanent decision to quit? Who else my age is going through life like this, stuck being the failure they never thought they'd still be?