Question for those who are in a relationship.

I can't speak for every woman, but when my husband told me he relapsed, it was as though my world crashed again. I lost all trust in him.. It made me feel worthless, insignificant, and unattractive. I had thoughts of "I'm not good enough because he has to look elsewhere" and "this man never really loved me because if he did, he wouldn't have betrayed me like this". It becomes a downward spirial that lasts for quite some time.

The only advise I can provide would be, should you get in a relationship and relapse, be 1000 percent honest about it. Answer all her questions truthfully. The "trickle out" confessions cause more damage than just spilling it out all at once. If you commit to change, actually take all steps necessary to do so. My husband would tell me he was committed to change, but would continue to lie. Our marriage as a result is barely hanging on a thread.

 

I am sorry sister
I should not ask this Question but pls help me
How did you felt when you came to know that your husband is porn addict and watching other girls to masturbate.
Should i tell my Gf that i am addicted or without telling her should i manage by myself to overcome this Crap
Sorry for Bad English Sister
Love from India
I will pray for you and your husband.
Things will get better Soon

 

I think honesty is the best policy when it comes to being in a relationship. Mainly because you will be hiding this aspect of yourself from her. She will pick up on it at some point, and she will find out whether you tell her or not. It would be best to let her know up front that you're struggling.

When my husband first told me, I felt devastated. It was as though he had been cheating on me with a bunch of different women through our entire marriage. It still feels that way. I wanted to leave him. I didn't want to deal with it. It was my love for him that kept me with him and trying to help him overcome the addiction. When he does something now, I feel it in my chest. The longer he lies about it, the worst the chest pain becomes.

 

Thank you for this valuable guidance Sister.
I will do as you said.
I am orphan i don't want to lose her because she is the only one who loves me.
Thank you Sister.
I will not relapse Sister I promise you.
When i will complete 90 days i will tell you as a younger Brother

 

I think it is also important to work on the past and address issues and trauma the led to the addiction because that will help with the healing process as well. Working on your heart and mind is as important as working on your body. To feel enough is a process that occurs from within, and it also prevents you from being taken advantage of by someone who may not have the best of intentions in the relationship. It will prevent the "i deserve to be treated this way because of this.." mindset. I wish you the best in your healing

 

Trigger maybe? About my intense feelings on D-Day.

@DefendMyHeart This is spot on: “It was as though he had been cheating on me with a bunch of different women through our entire marriage. It still feels that way.“

As for how I reacted/felt, I’ve been writing in a journal that my therapist recommended. In it, it asked me to list all the feelings I experienced on that night when after 11ish years of white knuckling, then fishing, my husband revealed his massive relapse. This is what I wrote.

LIAR. Destroyed. Gutted. Lost. Betrayed. WTF. Chaos in my head. Broken Hearted. Isolated. Vulnerable. Hate. Insecure. Ugly. Not Enough. Doubt. Violated. Torn. Furious. Pulverized. Dumb. Screaming inside. Anxious. Worried. Horror. Embarrassed. Anger. Restless. Aching. Fear. Shock. Pain. Scarred. Curious, then regret. Broken Dreams. Why did God allow this? Insomnia. Crying. Sick. Nauseous. Depressed. Haze.

So many all at once and then ping ponging about them at any given time thereafter. But even through all these feelings, the best thing he did was reveal everything to me instead of me discovering it. It gave me the 1st glimmer of hope that discovering would not. I do not think I’d be where I am today if I found out on my own (which breaks my heart even more for all these sweet people who do end up discovering it first). Some of these feelings are still a cloud over me, some are slowly fading. But years into our marriage there was something subliminally sucking the soul out of it slowly that I couldn’t put my finger on. Once he admitted his relapse to me, and got the *proper* help this time, it has allowed him to be the most vulnerable, open, person that he’s ever been. I’ve never, ever seen this side of him before - and I’ve known him for almost 20 years.

Through the devastation, I do see many things happening with us that I only wished could have been happening during our 10 year marriage. He is horrified with what he’s done and has chosen that he finally wants to change for himself. This is what we were missing before. He changed for me while dating/engaged so we could get married. Didn’t work. He changed for him this time, joined a group, is seeing a specific safe therapist, journals, put software on everything, deleted all social media, has accountability partners, etc... He says he is finally feeling freed.

We still have really bad days and definitely a long way to go. I get in my head a lot recalling things... specifically about certain people he deliberately looked up over and over. And fear/trust for the future of course. Those two things continue to be the biggest hole I’m trying to climb out of. But we are baby-stepping forward to real healing at least. I didn’t think that was at all possible on D-Day, and/or the weeks after.

 

Pain/Job Stress/Worthlessness.. This is exactly what brought on my husband’s fishing and then the PMO daily relapse.

I’m so sorry you are feeling pain. I hope you can find the right/safe person to help you unpack it.

 

Lol ok maybe I shouldn’t have listed them all, but yes, betrayal can come with a lot of negative emotions - especially when you’ve finally started trusting again and then you’re hit upside out of the blue. It’s truly heartbreaking and even physically painful.

D-day is the day of the reveal or discovery.

And doing this for your future spouse sounds noble... but from everything I’ve seen, continued success comes from doing this for yourself and taking the hard - but right- steps to get there (SA Therapist, SA/PA classes, Accountability Software, etc).

 

I second what @MountainInMyWay says. You've got to do this because it is for you first and foremost. You're more likely to heal and overcome the addiction that way

 

Hey @Jonny1992,

First I’ll share a tip that may help you to talk about it with your friends, then I’ll share how nofap is like with my relationship.

Try to see if there’s other people you know who have bad or destructive habits they are trying to stop or trying to start positive habits. The negative ones could be overeating, procrastinating heavily, drinking too much, watching way too much Tv etc. etc. That’s the common ground, for you to share up to what you are comfortable with. It’s not the same, but feelings of regret when failing to commit to stopping/starting something, the resolve/excitement to start again, the difficulty in persevering share similar psychology with what you are doing.

For example, I have a friend who was an alcoholic (now possible chronic weed smoker) who went through his own journey with alcohol and that’s who sometimes I share stuff related to NoFap.

—-

Regarding my relationship:

My girlfriend, appreciates that I made not watching porn a goal, and encourages me like she does with my goal of working out/exercising. She doesn’t really care though if I relapse or not. And during the beginning when I think I was talking too much about it, she would roll her eyes and would tell me just watch porn, and that this would just be another thing I started and stopped and in 2 months I would forget about it.

That helped to understand that it’s all on me, and this is my journey only. The commitment is to myself, and no one else. In the beginning I wanted her to care more, but seeing how it’s just me, made me more accountable. Once progress started, and I understood that I couldn’t talk about it to her all day - that’s when she encourage me more when I would reach a milestone (Like 15 days, 30 days and so on) and she understood that I was taking this seriously. It also helped to balance the Nofap talk with the exercise/working out talk or other goals.