Ready for change my life willing to fight for it

Hi friends and brothers,
I am 23 year old guy who is struggling with an issue,, i am ready to fight for my life but these days i have only little hope left to continue my journey,, i am sharing my story, please support me guys :
well i am a male i want to see myself myself as a male right now i am 22 i am struggling with this issue since 10 years and it really became worse from last 6 months..... when i was in school until 5th class i was under some influence of a guy like i used to do what he says to me like rob those books, fight with them etc. just because he makes me feel fear he used to say he will rob my books like that so i used to do whatever he says... not only me there was another guy too.... he used to act strangely meaning like g a y ? i am not sure but he is strange.... we are of 2 batches and i used to do whatever he says against the opposite batch.... when we are at 6th class, glad that guy left the school i was happy and both those batches united into one,, then the problem started bro... we 2 (me and another guy ) who acted how that guy (who left school) were with other batch (whom we acted against),, i dont know why they accepted the other guy but not me,,like as i said i have done some things against them ,, they dont accepted me as they friend,, thats the problem man.... at that time only i was introduced to fapping bro... as far as i remember my mastrubation started by rubbing my hands with my penis,, it suddenly generated cum and it made me sleep,, as first i did only for females. beginning it was all fine man,, like i only used to fap for females . there are no limits for my mastrubation, even now also there are no limits for my mastrubation bro,, like i will do as much as i can in a day and will do everyday,, as i said at first only for females.. when i was in 7th class,, some friends made fun of me man,,did some kind of marriage with a male and laughed,, from then i used to have these fantasies bro,, as far as i remember i started fapping for males where i did have some kind of sex/kiss etc. with someone i know and used to fap for it,, then when no one is at my home, i used to download a seductive song of my language and play it where i used to be naked on bed with a pillow on my body where i used to rub it on my body and fap,, i think it will last max 10 mins then i stopped it by saying this is not who i am ,, i am male... sometimes i used to fap for males where i will ready as a female and have some kind of fun with them(max some kind of close with them),
i used to do this occassionally bro,, not all the time,, i promise bro for most of the time around 80% i used to fap for females only ,, i didnt consider this problem seriously and take it easily
the problem is i was not into porn man,, me along with my friend went to internet cafe and saw nudes of females,, i used to go to cafe to watch actress hot songs and stills as there was no internet for me at that time
when i was in 6th class, she entered into my life bro, my first crush and my first love,, it was one side love,, after 10th class i called her to wish her on her birthday and we used to chat,, i do wanna propose her for this i thought she will come to our common friends birthday where i can propose her but sadly this didnt happened... she changed her number and texted me i didnt save her number one day she texted me i saw her dp not sure of it was she so i asked who it was? from then till now i didnt got a reply... when i was in inter i dont think it was love or attraction when i was in love with her i saw this girl who kind of give that vibes,, followed her and yes didnt proposed her..

 

i joined in btech bro engineering i am from computer science department,, like i lost my second love when i was in 1st year i believe, i still dont know if it is love or attraction but for me its a beautiful feeling. like i used to have a lot of fights with all my friends in btech at a time i really searched for love in every girl i promise,, it was in the last year of my engineering i found her..... it was really unexpected bro,, when i am in final year exams she helped me and there satarted a rumour that i was sighting her... i dont know really about this,, it went to her and he said i just wanna talk to you but that day i couldnt meet her,,, on our farewell day i cried because i am gonna miss my friends and then in farewell they played an emotional song for which i cried and went it from there in the middle,, it went like i cried for her and its her birthday that day,, she messaged me why did you cry that day? i said that its because of farewell then she asked are you hiding anything but at that time i dont know about this rumour so i said there is nothing,, then we became friends then i slowly started liking her,, on our farewell we have 2 farewells bro on the 2nd one i went there she also came at end when i was coming she called me and asked to have a photo i said yes and we have a photo together,, slowly we became friends we used to talk a lot bro everyday like that
i really love her man, but fear to propose to her because she will reject me she had a doubt she asked if you have that feelings on me,, i will stop talking less so you dont get that feelings more but i said no the reason i want to talk to her man,, you get it right.. slowly the feelings on her increased, but i was waiting for the right time to propose her,, it was 27th dec last year i got her message like her friends are making fun like she is talking with me right? so they are teasing her about me,, she said it to me i cried a lot bro because of him she faced that situation i asked her then can i stop talking? she said only talk upto 2025,, then my heart broken bro,, like i had plans with her i imagined some future with her but she only saw me until 2025,, we had some fights before this happened bro,, but at end we are still talking,, from that day like may be we started talking less,, from my side i am still messaging her,, at first before this happened i said i will leave this platform and stop talking to you for just joke but she said NO! but after this happened, i said the same she said your wish.. i dont know what happened like she still talking fine to me until mid jan this year,, then suddenly she started talking less,, iam still messaging her she seeing those messages but no reply,, one thing i missed bro she got the job before all this happened,, luckily in the same company i am working,, the interview happened as same to me she didnt said but she said may be she was busy then on feb 21st this year she suddenly removed me as her friend in that platform,, i didnt understand bro i messaged her then she said she stopped using that she was busy,, and then the actual problem started...

 

well this january i went to my cousins place bro,, at that time we all decided to go to a restaurant local one there, so we started off with 2 bikes,,i dont know how to ride bro,, so i was at bike,, we are total 5 so 2 on 1 bike and 3 on other, my cousin is riding the bike i am btw and the other was at bike you get it,, at that time we are riding there are so many breakes on the road, at that time he rode bike faster so my body touched his body suddenly i got this weird feel, i dont remember exactly but as of i remember that night i fapped for it bro,, i dont remember exactly bro , i am honest.. i dont exactly remember why i mastrubated,, maybe because of the touch i think,, but i think it is not okay right? for a male to a male ?
so i dont remember exactly bro i will say what i remember then will add the details i missed later,, when it was feb this year, i dont remember that date exactly and why it started,, but i have an instagram account where i changed my username to a female name(a random),, i added some friends like who will sext with girls,, i chatted them sexually saying i am a girl like i am virgin they used to send me girls having having sex with boys pics, videos etc. i used to sex chat them sexually seeing all photos and vidoes and fapping where i play the female role,, normally i will do this meaning i used to fap like this before right? after i fapped i got a feel that this is not me and only when i fap for females before i used to get a satisfaction ,, but that day even i fapped where i play the female role i didnt stopped the reason is i dont know exactly but i was in a high that i have continued as much as i can,, this went for three days,, i cried a lot that i am not perfect,, for one week i am okay meaning didnt fap for these fantasies,, again this happened for a week,, with a 3 days break,, again this happened for a week i started getting to know i am not100% straight,, from that time only i decided to speak up this to find a solution
as i mentioned, upto this feb i didnt do this bro,, like i started sexting with boys where i play female role i started this in feb this year,, as i mentioned before this feb i used to fap for these som kind of fantasies but only less once i completed i got a feel that this is not me so i didnt considered it serious because for most of time i used to fap for only females,, and i am in love which is ofcourse one side love though,, but that day i mentioned right? i started fapping for it but i didnt stopped becuase may be there is a high that pushed me to continue,, and also i really ask this doubt broo,, as far i remember before i started imagining me as female i think i fapped for boys where i was getting sex with them i think? does this make sense now? so i am not perfect right?
i am honest i remember i fapped a lot for my friend sorry this is true but this is female okay? that day i didnt stopped i want more of her now when i think is this me? but i fapped a lot for her long back i wish that is me(btw i fapped a lot for boys also)
but the main problem here is i am not into porn bro,, i too read about this due to porn we may have these fantasies but i was only fapping to actress hot stills, hot vidoes which max dont include porn,, it was my mind who imagined this? so this also considered as porn?
i am continuing the rest of my story here, after i struggled i started talking about this problem for the first time,, there is a platform called 7 cups i joined as a member i shared this problem with so many there all said only this thing : Be strong , dont give up some even didnt listened to me,, when i started this topic they left,, i discussed the same with strangers online too,, but didnt got much info ....
btw i missed one thing i too fapped for lebasians sex songs tooo
i decided to die bro at that time my only thing is SUICIDE then....

 

later on after some time i started going into a website i am from andhra pradesh bro so my first language will be telugu,, i started visiting a site called GAY SEX CHAT TELUGU bro,, in that site i have seen many people coming for sex chat roleplay and to meet up for sex asking contact details,, i too chatted with many people there,,, at there i learned this thing: there are 2 types TOP and BOTTOM , TOP will the one who fuck the other whereas BOTTOM will be the one who gets done by TOP,, i chatted with many people saying i am virgin 22 bottom, and fapped most importantly here i went for sex chat or roleplays where i play the female role,, this is one thing i have doubt i am always as bottom so am i gay?? second thing is : i saw many females coming into this websites,, i sexually chatted with them too,, i asked them why are you coming here, some said casually and i sexually chatted with married women also bro,, i asked them why are you coming into this website ? they said they are not sexually satisfied by their husband,, this incident triggered me a lot bro,, the reason is : 1) i am not 100% straight i too fap for these fantasies i said earlier to you 2) i always played BOTTOM role 3) i am a cross dresser bro : yes,, when no one is at my home,, i weared girls dress and fapped, tbh i am saying i even put an object some kind of vegetable into my ass and fapped,, this much intense feelings i have at that time bro, i have done this 2 times 1st time i feel odd feeling tbh i dont remember how exactly i felt strange weird and 2nd time i didnt feel anything bro
so from these 3 points i started thinking this way bro: as i am not perfect if i marry a girl i cant keep her happy sexually so i started fearing that she need to face the same situation as those women ,, i dont know but these cuckold kind of fantasies are making me happy inside bro ,, they are trigggering me,, but yes i will never be a cuckold i just want to value the relationship divine marriage and yes if i feel i cant keep a women happy i will never get married but promise i will never make a girl trouble
well continuing my story bro,, until may i am struggling like with these same kind of fantasies with men and the love i have on her,, yes she stopped talking but when i tried to message her she used to just reply to my messages only,, i love her so much that i want to solve the problem i am facing related to these fantasies and want to completely say everything to her and if she agrees i want to marry her,, if i cant solve the problem i am facing i want to leave her for her happiness, i did 2 weeks of NoFap in may and i felt like i am back as a male,, according to me there is a reason for starting on these cuckold fantasies bro : its like i said right on feb 21st she removed me as her friend in that platform,, we both have a common friend(male) he completely knows about my love story,, when we talk he asked about this to propose her i said i will wait for right time its like i felt like there is somebody listening to this conversation from his side and i thought it was she... because after this conversation some days she removed me as her friend,, i thought she knowed about my love i didnt proposed to her at that time right? she used to ask me about this she had a doubt that i love her i used to said no because she used to said she dont have feelings and said will talk less becuase it might increase her feelings on me,, so i used to said no ... i thought she got to know confirmed that i love her and that too from me from then i stopped talking to him,,, in may i randomly watched a porn video bro i promise for me it was first time to see like this i triggered me a lot and i started fapping for this ,, i started imagining me and her in that scene and fapped as i am thinking because of our common friend she stopped talking i started to have these cuckold kind of thoughts bro,, its like when ever i tried to fap for me and her i used to get thoughts of she and him,, i wrote a letter to her expressing my love and this time gave it to her girl best friend and said to give it to her,, but she rejected me bro
i started losing complete interest on girls i dont know why but promise this is not me before an year ago,,
i am honestly saying you might end up feeling worst about me like saying the same thing again and again but this is me bro : when this problem started i am okay,, meaning this problem started i fapped for males then slowly it converted into a fetish kind of thing where i played the female role,, until this beginning of year i am really OKAY I PROMISE !!! the reason is i didnt concentrated much on this because i am happy with my life okay? i am happy man really, these fantasies will come sometimes and go and for most of time i am attracted to females only for max time and at that time they give me happiness love feel when i think of romantic they only come into my mind,, and i am in love also even though one sided and also when i fapped for females it only gave me sleeply feelings,, but now the complete reverse bro : i lost my complete life so i am searching everywhere for a solution
i really no hope in my life bro really its like my heart is saying i am gay and still i am fapping for these fantasies and i lost complete interest in girls,, i started looking girls as normal when i try to look them sexually i didnt feel anything now,, i started doubting and looking bad over all girls because of cuckold fantasies i have ,, i dont know to ask like this is fair or not am i really bi bro? can i be normal again? can i have a family? wife? kids?
i dont know who i am friends,, but i want to start a family i want to have a wife and kids ,, i want to be a father and husband i dont know if i can afford for this

 

i have man boobs i read it in google it is called
Gynecomastia,, it get due to increase of estrogen(female hormones) in male body,, and it may be reason to male infertility,, also when i fap i didnt get much cum which means my sperm count is low which results to male infertility,, so i cant be a father,, so i cant marry a women,, tbh my penis is large max time and it is not hard it is soft i read it in google it is symptom of STD,, so i cant have a girl in my life all these lead to the same thing i cant marry a girl and i cant be a father either and one worst thing is i really feel uncomfortable bro with this tight men's chest i dont know why? i tried to force myself into dating or loving a girl this will never workout i feel i shouldnt be born

 

please help me support me to win this bro,, i am ready to fight for my life

 

Hi brothers,, can anyone please reply on this please,, my urges regarding these fantasies are too high i wore girls dress put a vegetable into my ass and fapped by playing a seductive song is there anyone with the same situation as mine and won this? can i have a family? can i be a husband and father? can i have kids?

 

these days i feel i lost everything brother, when i do nofap for 3 days(so far it is the maximum) i find males as attractive rather than females, when i thought of them liking my heart feels maybe excited? and i tried to fap for a girl but i need to pressurize a lot for me to fap for a girl and even it didnt gave me the happiness, ):